It's High Time We Say Out Loud What Many Of Us Have Been Thinking For Years: Brandon Walker Stinks
Let me start by setting the stage - I like Brandon Walker. He is a nice person and we've always gotten along well. He's never put his hands on me. He's never set up a burner account to harass my wife. Despite his commitment to content, I believe he at least respects me and possibly even likes me if only a little bit.
That said, I'm beginning to think he isn't working with too many brain cells and all the yelling is serving as a distraction from the words that are coming out of his mouth. Brandon is certainly opinionated, which is necessary, but in the last 24 hours we're on the precipice of him losing all credibility. Life comes at you fast. Taking a stand in the midst of an angry mob is admirable but that doesn't mean we shouldn't call him out to save him from wallowing in his own stupidity.
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Specifically, this revolves around two topics: biscuits and slow pitch softball.
This is simply a preposterous opinion that can only be described as disgusting. Maybe down in Mississippi the bagels stink but here in NYC/NJ (where you live and work) they are amazing. Our bagels can be eaten on their own. They don't need butter, cream cheese, lox, or whatever your choice of condiment is because they can stand on their own. All of those things only make bagels that much better. But a warm bagel on a fall morning? Are you kidding me?! There is nothing better! I won't even venture into the breakfast sandwich arena because it's not necessary to kick you while you're down.
As expected, Brandon tried to ride hard in another direction - biscuits.
Biscuits stink. I know that is going to be hard for some of you to hear but it's true. Here's why:
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Cardboard doesn't get my taste buds jumping. When a food requires complimentary ingredients to be "good" then the food itself cannot be considered good. If you need gravy, jam, butter, meemaw's special sauce, to make biscuits edible then I'm going to pass. My stat of only 1 in every 10 biscuits being good was fact checked by a group of chefs. To address Brandon's myopic point of biscuits in the northeast - buddy I have eaten biscuits all over the south to include gas stations in Mississippi. I'm not saying a good biscuit doesn't exist but their batting average ain't getting them a contract.
I thought the dumb takes would end there but leave it to Brandon to not let us down. Today he shared this doozy:
This one is more surprising because I've seen Brandon showcase his athletic ability. Now, he's not fooling anyone about his age but you can certainly tell there is some athleticism in there still albeit hiding behind mounds of fat.
Softball after the age of 22 serves a very specific purpose. It exists as a reprieve from your job/life. It's about hanging with your buddies during the week, having a few beers, and scratching that competitive itch that many of us never lose. It's not overly serious and is meant to just be fun without hurting yourself. (Fwiw, the dudes who wear the wacky jerseys, super tight pants, and will end up in fist fights over the game are not who I'm talking about here. Those guys ruin it for the rest of us.)
The hurdle Brandon cannot surmount is that adult softball requires one of two things - a work team and/or friends. We had a Barstool softball team for a couple of summers years ago, which was a blast, but that went away. So Brandon doesn't have a work team and although quite sad, it appears Brandon lacks friends too. Since he doesn't have a team he takes unnecessary shots at something many of us truly enjoy. Yes, as a reminder I did win a softball tourney two weeks ago
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I'm not alone here either.
Then of course when Brandon realizes he's a big ole dum dum, he deflects and insinuates that I'm on the wrong side of the argument.
Don't let Brandon's boisterous ways fool you. He is simple. But we are here to lift him up past those simple opinions. Bagels are delicious. Biscuits stink. Softball is fun. Don't hurt yourself overthinking this, champ.