4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

I've Decided To Quit Barstool And Try To Marry A WNBA Player

Shutterstock Images.

I'm a man who has always believed in equality. Equal pay, equal rights, equal parts alcohol and mixer in my drinks. I support every aspect of the feminist movement minus the arm pit hair.

That's why I am pursuing my dream of being a stay at home dad and officially on the prowl for a WNBA player to wife me up. 

The idea first came about yesterday in a group text with some of my buddies. One of my friends made the proclamation, "I wish we had a WNBA team here in Cleveland so I could jersey chase them. I’d be a better stay at home dad than Ayesha Curry could ever fucking dream of being."

After a few "HAHA"s and a moment of reflection he added, "Only no go for me would their monster feet." And that's when it dawned on me, I think I have what it takes to be a WNBA husband. 

Let me start by saying I am not a foot man whatsoever. I don't find them sexually arousing and I can only imagine what the feet of a WNBA player must look like. She would take off her shoes after a long day of practice and it probably looks like she has been jumping rope barefoot in a gravel parking. 

Giphy Images.

One time a girl asked me to suck on her toes mid sexin' and at first I just ignored her. She brought it up again a few minutes later and I didn't know what to do so I faked a leg cramp and ended the whole damn thing.

But that was for a random. I think I might be able to handle some bunions and hang nails scraping up my tongue if it meant I got to stay at home with little Ayden and our Rottweiler Zeus. Every man has his price.

I'm also not particularly into tall women in general. I'm not opposed to them but I would say they intrigue me more than they turn me on. When I see a hot tall woman I either want to climb her like a horny Koala or slide tackle her and bring her down to size. There really is no in between. 

This would be a mental hurdle I would have to get over as I can't be taking out of the legs of the breadwinner of our household. How could I afford my Tuesday afternoon Lululemon shopping sprees if she's out with an injury because I went all Messi on her ankles one morning when she was looking just a tad too tall?

Giphy Images.

You may also be saying to yourself, "Will, they don't even make that much money. How are you going to be a stay at home dad on a fringe professional league salary?"

Advertisement

In 2023, the super-maximum base level salary a WNBA player can make is $234,936. The minimum base level salary is that of a rookie selected in the third round of the draft which is $62,285. - Queenballers.club

From what I can find most players make around $100k per year. Throw in endorsement deals and free meals at the local vegan restaurant and that's like $103k/year. As long as she understands I have needs and they cost money I think we'll be alright. High Noons and rounds of golf aren't free so you better go do that autograph signing at the local Subaru dealership sweetheart.

The next thing I would have to be OK with is going to weddings or other fancy events and her towering over me like an older sister in middle school.

According to sportsanalytics.berkeley.edu - The average WNBA player’s height is considerably lesser than the average NBA player’s height. The average WNBA height hovers around 6 feet.

She'll be standing next to me at the wedding, arm around my neck, and I'll just be there looking like…

I am six feet tall but the second she puts on some high heels I'm going to feel like a short king and might get the urge to slide tackle again. Gonna have to work on that.

Maybe I can buy some of those lift shoes I keep seeing IG ads for. The ones where some chochie kid asks a girl how tall he is and then he takes off some ridiculous looking bootleg Converse and everyone pretends like they are astonished. Meanwhile the sole of the shoe looks like this…

Giphy Images.

I will wear her jersey proudly and cheer from the family section like my life depends on it…because it literally does. I gave up my career for this. 

Today I officially begin my hunt. I probably need to focus on Indiana and Minnesota as I don't think $103k is going to keep me a happy house husband in expensive cities like LA, NYC, or Chicago. And you know what they say: Happy hubbie keeps his chubbie. 

Follow me @WillBurge for more brilliant ideas that can bring you financial freedom