Best Of 2023 - Signs that years have passed

(Press play then start reading)

I was going to title this blog “signs you’ve matured,” but that implies these are all good things. So I thought about titling it “signs you’ve gotten older,” but that implies they’re all bad. This blog is neither of these things so both titles wouldn’t have made sense. They’re just factual statements. Years have passed. This is the way life is now.

I like dark chocolate

I don’t know how it happened, it wasn’t a conscious decision, one day a switch just went off and I eat almost exclusively dark chocolate now. I still can’t tell you my blood type but I know my favorite cocoa percentage. 

My brain doesn’t always work

This isn’t the same as being dumb. I’m still dumb, but it’s different now. I used to get out of bed and as long as I was conscious then my brain was functioning at whatever its highest level is. Now I work at max capacity for about two hours per day. Depending what time I wake up you better catch me between noon and 2 or 1 and 3, otherwise try tomorrow. 

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Anne Hathaway is incredibly sexy

I never used to think about Anne Hathaway one way or another. Now every time I see her I can’t help but think I’d love to meet her at a lounge at a reasonable hour, role play and pretend we don’t know each other, she’s in town for a medical sales conference and I’m a stay-at-home husband who’s looking to regain a sense of manhood with a night of debauchery, then wake up and read the paper together over coffee and parfait in a sun soaked breakfast nook.

Sock Sigh

Going to a friend’s above ground pool and seeing who could hold their breath the longest used to be the only time I’d take a deep inhale and hold my breath, now I do it every morning when I put on my socks. The life-filling gasp of air that used to come right before I found out if I had the best lung capacity in the neighborhood now only means I gotta put my right sock on next.

While we’re on socks, I know girls have an “ick” for guys who leave their socks on during sex, too bad. There was a time in my life I was a ninja with getting my socks off. We’d kiss as we shimmied towards the bed and I’d spryly step just beyond my toe with my heel and as I moved they’d slip off. “Did he not wear socks to the bar?” you’d wonder. Oh yes, I wore socks to the bar. They’re laying in the path back to the front door you just didn’t notice. Now? If I take the time and energy needed to pop my socks off I promise we both won’t be horny by the time that mountain is climbed. 

I put hip slang words in quotation marks because I feel weird using them

See “ick”

I’m not even sure if hip slang words are still hip

See “ick”

I say sentences like “when did everyone start…”

When did everyone start taking their shoes off at the gym? You look by the squat racks now and there’s just a pile of shoes. I know it’s better to lift in Chucks or barefoot or whatever but pretty sure that’s for elite athletes. Do your 3 sets of 12 with your cross trainers on, you’ll be ok. 

Boobs > butt

Ass is great for shaking at the bar, boobs’ll feed your family.

I hate technology

I firmly believe the internet ruined everything. Bits and gags that used to be fun for weeks or months now become eye-rollingly dumb after a few hours. We’re not supposed to have access to all the information and opinions we have now. You shouldn’t know your friend’s exact coordinates at all times or what everybody alive thinks about you. There’s no need to be aware of every anxiety-inducing news story that happens anywhere on the globe. You shouldn’t be able to google the answer to a question being debated at a bar, you’re supposed to yell about it for 45 minutes then a stranger overhears and confidently says something and you go home thinking that’s right and that’s just what you think is the truth forever now. The way god intended. 

Red wine makes me slutty

Certain alcohols never affected me certain ways, now I get halfway through a nice, light-bodied Pinot Noir and I have a medical need to fuck.

I notice hunger affects my mood

I get cranky every three hours now then realize I haven’t eaten in a bit and the world is my oyster again. This will happen every three hours until I die.

Jackets and coats are very important

Arguing with my parents about putting on a coat was on the calendar every day between October and March. It would cover up my cool graphic t-shirt. Now a nice coat is the only thing separating me from looking like a child in a cool graphic t-shirt and jeans.

It’s not uncommon to fart so loud I wake myself up

Particularly if I’ve been hitting the mangoes pretty hard.