How To Lose Weight The Complete Half Assed Way
I threw this half assed tweet out this morning as an obvious humble brag. It's nothing earth shattering or even worthy of sharing, I just felt like making all you lard asses reading this feel guilty about yourselves for letting your bodies become too disgusting to even glance at.
Fast forward 10 mins later and I found myself laughing at the tweet with nobody BUT myself in my Nissan Altima.
But WSD, the tweet wasn't funny, wtf could you possibly laugh about 10 mins later?
Well you see, I was laughing because while it's true - I have lost weight - I still eat pretty much as shitty as I always have, kinda, like the McDonalds #2 with an extra hash brown I had this morning when I laughed at this tweet. We'll get to that in a little bit. Jokes aside, I def needed to make a change. Not some LIFE ALTERING change, but a change nonetheless. I was never FAT fat, but goddamn was I grossly out of shape from 2019-2022 aka when we were hired full time by Barstool.
Having Miller Lite and Italian Beef sponsors ain't the best way to keep the weight off.
I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew I needed to make that change, too. Like ACTUALLY do it. It was when I was on Barstool vs. America in the Spring of 2022 and I was offered paramedics for almost dying while throwing frisbees and climbing out of ball pits:
A few notes on this challenge:
- We were in Boston coincidentally the same time the White Sox were at Fenway, and I was out until like 2am getting wasted with Chuck Naso at Fenway the night before for Sox vs. Sox. I was VERY hungover. Incredibly. I even kinda/sorta remember telling Alex Bennet it was a top 5 worst hangover I've ever had.
- The challenge itself was WAY WAY WAY more physically difficult than people would think after watching. KB, a former collegiate wrestler, took 20 mins to finish it (I took 30) and he was sucking eggs just like I was. He wasn't about to die, but he will also tell you that the challenge was deceivingly physically taxing.
But still. I pride myself on being a world class athlete. World class athletes don't have lungs and hearts that are on the verge of exploding after throwing frisbees through holes and rope climbing out of ball pits.
So I had an epiphany that day. I love being the guy that is always down for a good time, but it was time to grow up. All jokes aside, that ball pit frisbee fuckface of a challenge was what did it. I was embarrassed about what I looked like not just getting in/out of the pit, but embarrassed about what I looked like on camera the entire series.
So thanks, I guess?
Anyways, I get back to Chicago and got on a scale. 216 pounds. As someone who's 5'7", 216 pounds is WAY too much. I'm dense as it is so I'll always weigh a lot for my height, but 216 pounds is fucking pathetic. 5-6 weeks after the ball pit challenge, I was 190 pounds and I lost that 25-30 pounds doing it just like I do everything else.
COMPLETELY half assed.
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And over the last year I've maintained that 185-190 weight keeping the same half assed regimen. I never planned on blogging this until I got this tweet like a week ago, because I'm the last person that should be teaching (for lack of a better word) anyone how to be healthy, considering my lifestyle.
Ummmm wtf? Just because I'm not completely and pathetically gross anymore doesn't mean I'm "sick". I was just very out of shape and now am back to what I should be.
BUT WSD, JUST STFU AND TELL US ALL HOW YOU DID IT!!!
This is a legit step-by-step of how I lost 25-30 pounds.
1. Bought a scale. Wrote the number down (216). Subtracted my "normal" weight from that number (185-190) and made that my goal weight loss (26-31 pounds)
2. Bought a Peloton. I got the most expensive one you can buy. It was $3200, but I financed it through Affirm. Zero down and zero interest if you pay it off on time and don't miss a payment. Easy peasy. With the peloton app and installments, I'm paying about $100 a month. Over the 13 months since the BvA challenge the last year I've had about 110 rides*
3. Bought an Apple Watch. Set move goal to 1000 calories and exercise goal to 45 mins
4. Started to make sure I walk 10,000 steps a day, which isn't too difficult at all with a dog
5. Started eating "half assed healthy" Monday through Friday. Low carbs like a burrito bowl instead of a burrito. No pancakes or french toast or shit like that. No cereal. Just an assload of red meat, eggs, etc. I know this isn't all that healthy. That's the half assed part.
6. Started being semi-conscious about calorie intake and measuring calories burned.
7. Cheat meals on weekends followed by a Monday "pound nothing but gallons of water" cleanse until a LIGHT dinner/briner where I'll eat a 100% keto meal, like a shitty Mariano's strip steak and 2 eggs. If I do have a mid-week cheat meal like…a burger (where I'll avoid a good amount of the bun) I MAKE SURE to burn off every ounce of the calories I took in, like the McDonald's I had for breakfast today. If I go out to a nice ass Italian dinner on a Wednesday, I'm going HAM on the 'Ton the next day
8. I drink a TON of water. I fill up a 1.5 liter of water bottle with tap water and drink at least 3 of them while at home and 3-4 bottles of water at the office. Rarely drink beer unless vodka soda isn't readily available, like at a baseball game. Never ever ever touch pop/soda/energy drinks/etc. That shit is poison. This isn't new to me though, I've done this my entire adult life.
Boom. 5-6 weeks later, back to the old me. Now I just do what I can to maintain that. Not trying to be some vegan weirdo with a 6 pack. Fuck that noise.
Again, everything was half assed. I have no idea if it's because I wasn't naturally FAT fat and just out of shape or some other reason, but it only took me like 5-6 weeks to lose that weight. Idk why people are now starting to notice, I've been the same for just about a year now.
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I'll get bored with Peloton workouts and skip a few weeks and just run instead. 4-5 mile runs at like a 9min pace. Nothing grueling. Now I'm bored with running the same exact loop I do around my neighborhood and I'll hit the bike again. Just always make sure to hit that 1000 calorie goal and 45 min workout goal and yes, walking counts towards those mins.
That's it. That's the secret sauce to not looking like a complete slob. Many people say you can't lose weight with just cardio
People will legit argue with me about this online. I am not a dietician but I know for a 1 billion percent fact you can lose weight while solely doing cardio. Ya know how I know that? Because I haven't touched a weight in fucking YEARS. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy. Why would I need strength training when I can throw a 91MPH pitch?
Fuck. That.
Also - no, I don't do drugs. I've never have touched a hard drug, they sound too fun and I'd never stop doing them. One of those "ignorance is bliss" type deals. I've also never heard of Ozempic until people started tweeting it to me over the last week or two for whatever reason.
I'm sure a ton of people will bitch and moan about how my "weight loss journey" was an unhealthy one and I didn't do it the "right way". Fuck off, losers. I'm happy with where I'm at right now and didn't kill myself to get here, not at all. It was half assed and frankly, pretty easy. There's no excuse to not get a peloton and ride it for 30 mins 3-4x a week and get 10K steps in. None at all. Shout out Kendall and Emma.
Get off your asses and get one and half ass some weight loss like I did.