Dave Portnoy has a knack for seeing things in people that no one else does. Sometimes including themselves. A keen ability to spot the Frank The Tanks and Alex Coopers of the world. And after Paulo Banchero's SLAM cover I now understand the reason I exist in the Barstool universe. Dave knew 90's fashion was coming back and it's my time to shine.
No one here could possibly know the level of cool you feel when you pull up a pair of JNCO jeans and a strap on a pair of ski goggles like me. I grew up smack dab in the middle of an era where the soundtrack was divided equally between 311 and West Side Connection. Back when rollerblading was cool and the more you hated your parents the bigger the bottoms of your pants were.
Back when getting a ride to the mall meant Camelot and FYE record shops were about to lose approximately a hundred dollars worth of merchandise to a few punk ass shoplifting kids. It's how we fought corporate greed back then. All while wearing pants that our mom begrudgingly bought for us with her Kohl's cash.
You know how big of an item you can shoplift from a store in JNCO jeans that size? A 5-foot long black light, that's how big. I know because I watched my buddy Gary do it from Spencer's Gifts right before his mom picked us up in her mini van.
And let me tell you, nothing got the ladies wet like smoking a joint with us in our musty ass JNCO jeans that had not been washed in months under the glow of a blacklight. They weren't laughing at us, they were just high and excited about how handsome we looked in our Warped Tour bell bottoms.
The exhilaration you feel when you slip on a pair of pants that could fit a family of three in each leg is indescribable. Unless of course you count how my mom used to describe it when she would say, "you look like a fucking idiot."
I know I have a kindred spirit in PFT when it comes to the most awesome jeans ever created. He too appreciates the breathability of 40" pant bottoms. He has been fighting this good fight for over a half a decade at this point and his efforts have not gone unnoticed.
We now have bucket hats and jeans back in action. But I won't let this movement stop there. I'm making it my personal mission to take this all the way to 1997. We need Fubu shirts. We need ICP blasting from boomboxes. We need bowl cuts back ASAP.
I never understood the phrase "Make America Great Again" until now. Because the 90s were fucking amazing and we all should 100% be walking around looking like were headed to the next Gathering of the Juggalos.
And to the James Hardens of the world trying to dabble in the big pants lifestyle, I simply say this: My culture is not your costume.