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The USDA Is Contemplating Banning Chocolate Milk In Schools, Which Has Created The "Protecting School Milk Choices Act"

The proposal states, "This approach would reduce exposure to added sugars and would promote the more nutrient-dense choice of unflavored milk for young children when their tastes are being formed."

More specifically, the USDA suggests limiting the amount of strawberry and chocolate milk in high schools and banning it altogether in elementary and middle schools.

Let's all say it together: Fuuuuuuuuck thattttttt. Banning chocolate milk? Why not just ban happiness for children altogether? Take away Santa Claus next. 

The fact of the matter is that chocolate milk is as integral to the American school system as learning the alphabet. Taking multiplication tests. Having recess. Going to Prom. Every single person reading this blog can connect a part of their school experience to those little brown cardboard chocolate milk cartons. In fact, chocolate milk went #2 overall in the Back to School Draft, making it the Captain of perhaps the most dominate team in Dog Walk history.

Didn't listen to this one, but I hope whoever picked Team #1 got the help they needed.

Also, does my brain not work correctly or was it not too long ago that chocolate milk was determined the perfect drink for kids? Now it has too much sugar in it?

Listen, I know no one came here for a lecture from me on why there is a childhood obesity problem in the United States, but I'm going to give you my hypothesis. I've been a teacher for 8 years now (today's the last day of school, no big deal), and in that short amount of time, what kids do for fun has changed a million fold. I'm sure I sound like an old man right now, but my god, did we not used to play outside? I'm currently sitting here, giving each class the option to go out to the football field or stay inside, and as of 9:30 am we're 3 for 3 on staying in to watch YouTube on their phones. If these damn TikTok dances didn't incorporate movement, I think every single kid in the country would be a whale. Yes, America's future is certainly doomed in many ways, but it's not because kids are drinking chocolate milk at lunch.

And apparently some lady in Congress agrees:

And this, folks, is why no matter how insane this world becomes and will certainly crumble down, at least we'll get a few laughs along the way. This lady, Elise Stefanik from New York State Congress, has created the "Protecting School Milk Choices Act". That is what we are spending our time, money, and effort on these days. One side contemplating taking away flavored milk from kids, and the other side acting like they have been denied a Constitutional Right.

We learned about the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in school. Our kids, if this world is still standing, will study the Protecting School Milk Choices Act of 2023. And they'll have an unsweetened almond milk at lunch after they do.