9 Ideas For The Miami Heat and Denver Nuggets To Spend Their 9-Day Break Once The Celtics Get Swept Tonight
Oh there's still a game tonight? That's cute. Yeah, I'm going ahead and calling this fight over because quite frankly it isn't a fight at all. Aside from the 2023 Nets, I've never seen a more dead NBA team still walking than the 2023 Boston Celtics. As Ron White might say, "that team has a lotta quit in them". Couldn't even make it to half-time in game three before going full on Jay Cutler "fuck it, chuck it" mode:
No composure. No resolve. No ability to handle failure towards doing anything about it. Total Gen-Z team in the worst way. More like the Gen C's (minor exception for Jaylen Brown who's such an old soul that he plays with potted plants in his free time)
Anyway, this blog isn't about the final clover falling on the Celtics season. It's about the two teams still alive. What on earth are they all going to do with the longest break between the Conference Finals and Finals (nine days) in the modern NBA playoff format? The most ever was eight days in 2015 after the Cavs and Warriors went 8-1. And no conference teams have gone 8-0. Here's how many days it took for the Finals to start every year since '84 for a little perspective:
Nine days is a LOT of free time. Imagine the bullets Adam Silver would be sweating if Ja Morant were still in the picture. But for the Nuggets and soon to be Heat, we need to find something for these guys to do. So here's 9 ideas on spending 9 days off in old school Buzzfeed style:
9. Everyone Grows a Soul Patch And Can't Shave It Until Their Team Wins a Game
We all know it's soul patch season so why not lean your chin into it? Everyone gets to have a little fun in Game One where we see who can pull it off like Billy Bob Thornton or who looks like they put a fake mustache on the wrong side of their lip (not to single out Max). The real trash talk begins in game two when one team is left. This would be a ratings spike master play.
8. Scrimmage Finals Series in South Beach
How cool would this be? Shirts vs skins on the pavement. Double rims is a must too just so they can get the true carni-esque experience us normies typically deal with. Call your own fouls (that'll go well) and every argument can be clipped online by inebriated vacationers.
7. 9-Day Caribbean Cruise
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OK, so they'll have to all leave tonight after the game but here's what the itinerary looks like. The Heat can even wear swimsuits for their social media "first looks" tonight and just go straight to the harbor after the game. Might have to cut an island out to get back in time, but if both teams are on that cruise that sorta gives them the leverage to make Silver postpone things for a day or two.
6. Find Out Where the Lakers/Celtics Are Vacationing And Vacation There Too
Sticking with the vacation theme on this one. Imagine Grant Williams showing up to his island resort only to be told by the front desk that he no longer has a reservation for the Pineapple Suite while Jimmy Butler whistles his way down the hall.
This would be the flex of all flexes. I can see players trying to have dinner to vent about the series to their wives while Jimmy stops by with some menu advice: "Cut that filet into smaller bites Jayson, I don't want to see you choke again now." You'd think Joe Mazzulla didn't show up but he's in the theater room the whole time.
5. Fully Memorize the Script For The Finals
The NBARigged community took a big hit this conference finals as the two teams the NBA would most certainly want to win both series' got or are about to get swept. As a member of any respected conspiracy does in times like these, it's time to pivot to this being all a part of the NBA's plan. With nine days for players to memorize their lines and movements, there's no worry about anyone not being off book by June 1st. A seven game masterpiece with multiple overtimes is certainly in store after the showrunners have made their pitch to the studio.
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4. Play in the World Series of Poker
The main event isn't an option but event #2 and #3 are doable. Event #2 is a $25k high roller event that starts May 30th and should end June 1st. That's cutting it close if anyone makes it to the final table but a quick flight to Denver afterwards is plausible. Of course, there's got to be some gamesmanship here, so rules are the team with a player that finishes the latest wins and the other team has to wear 80's short shorts for the entirety of the finals.
3. Nine Day Silent Retreat
This one isn't as fun in itself but the point of hanging out with monks for a little while is for the end game. No, I'm not talking about the peace and sense of reaching Nirvana. I'm talking about getting ready to talk shit after not being able to say a word for nine days. Game 1 will be wild! This would never work for the Celtics who can't keep their traps shut for more than a minute. Plus I think it'd be too mean to expect Joe Mazzulla to watch The Town with closed captions.
2. Master of Your Own Domain Competition
Classic contest. Scouts honor. I'll put my money on Jimmy who famously didn't invite any of his family into the bubble so he can be 100 percent focused on asterisk playoff basketball. I think the first loser has to shoot opposite handed for the entirety of the finals with the idea that he's giving his shooting hand a much needed break.
1. Actually, I'm out of ideas
Maybe I've watched too many Celtics games lately, but I'm just going to quit before finishing the job while talking some shit. There was always one really dumb Buzzfeed listed anyway so consider yourself spared.
Enjoy the game tonight. And if anyone reading this works for the Miami Heat, I think the classy move is to put The Town on the video board once the Celtics trail by double-digits. Don't worry about Joe getting distracted. He probably wants to save his timeouts for whatever team hires him next anyway.
- Jeffro