I Owe An Apology To "The Big Hurt" Frank Thomas
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Last week we drafted the all time best nicknames in sports. Obviously, I won the draft. Perhaps not in the polls, but everyone knows that AK47 Andre Kirilenko could have taken on the other 4 morons on the panels entire teams on by himself. I don't expect any of you half wits reading this or listening to the show to understand that, though.
That's fine though. Nobody's perfect, so I won't attack the mental capacity of our audience anymore than that.
And on the note of not being perfect, I do admit to one fault in my most recent draft performance: I should have taken Frank "The Big Hurt" Thomas instead of maybe…. Teddy Ballgame… and I say that with all due respect to one of baseball's all time greats. "Teddy Ballgame" just doesn't hit (pun kinda intended) like "The Big Hurt" does.
Because that's what Frank Thomas did; he fucking hurt baseballs. If it weren't for that asshole Jerry Reinsdorf orchestrating a strike during the '94 season, Hurt would have put together one of baseball's all-time great offensive seasons. Here is what he would have paced for over 162 should his season not been cut short:
- 55 home runs
- 145 RBIs
- .353 BA
- .487 OBP
- .729 SLG
- 205 wRC+
- .376 ISO
- 10 fWAR
And mind you, that 10 fWAR takes into account his dog shit defense. If you want to use the all encompassing offensive stat of just wRC+, he statistically had the 18th best offensive season ever…
… and that was just over 113 games and against the juiciest of the juiced up pitchers. Baseball legend after baseball legend is listed there. The guy was unbelievable. He's why I love baseball today.
I truly wish I were old enough to remember the entirety of the Hurt's career. Frankly I only remember from like…96ish onward. I don't even remember the strike season, as I was only 5 years old when the strike occurred. That Christ, because it would drive my hatred for Reinsdorf's reign as owner of the White Sox that much more.
So, Hurt… I apologize. You deserved to go 1-1 in our snake draft because your nickname was the perfect embodiment of what you did to baseballs and your massive, massive size as a human:
PS - shout out to Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson for coming up with the nickname. Like always, he nailed it. Just like he does everything else. Half you scumbags reading this from Boston are probably his bastard spawn.
Think about it.
LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S SNAKE DRAFT. NEXT UP WE HAVE "MEAN GIRLS" ALEX BENNETT AND JORDYN WOODRUFF