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Buying A House is Bullshit

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Im in Chicago this week looking for a house to settle into before the big move. It'll be the 2nd time in two years that Ive purchased a new home and I gotta say, fuck this process. I spend every spare moment looking at Zillow, redfin, actual MLS listings, and Realtor dot com. It's terrible. Every single aspect of it's terrible. Well, except for my realtor. She is great. Other than that. Bad. But with a name like  Rachael Real, how can you possibly be bad at real estate? She's not. She's great. 

Some folks have told me that they enjoy the process. To that, I just simply say how. How in the wide wide world of sports can you love this process? It's like getting your teeth pulled but instead of getting your teeth pulled, they come in and drill your gums to high hell and then charge you several hundreds of thousands of dollars. But right now, it's even worse. People are competing against each other for the most painful tooth-pulling that the world has ever seen. In fact, it's almost like people are sitting in the waiting room and offering the dentist more and more money to get their teeth pulled out by the roots. 

"Ill pay more! Across the board on everything, Ill pay more. Do you need that dick sucked? Pull it out? Wanna do a little Cleveland Steamer? Done. Blumpkin? Done. Oh shit. Has someone else already offered that? I'll do it for one week straight or even two if needed. I will say I can't afford to eat ass for 45 minutes but what else am I supposed to do in this market??? Fuck it. Ill eat the ass for 90 minutes."

"Someone just came in at 120 ass eating."

"Too rich for my blood."

After you say no, you regret not going to 130. Fuck. 

Anyway, you walk in and give the possible home a quick glance through. You see the floors. "Oh. These floors are nice. Think they are original? No stainless steel appliances though. Still all white? Gross. You look poor as fuck with those. Granite counters instead of quartz? A relic of the past but you cant be too picky."

"Yeah, I like them too. A white fridge is an easy upgrade. That's like 1500 for a really nice one. Back to the floors, it looks like they are original but we gotta see what's under the carpet upstairs to ensure they are throughout… let's head up there. Oh yeah. I think we have some original floors under this carpet."

"I can't imagine they'd take out original wood floors… that would be crazy. Why would you cover it with carpet unless you're a twat tornado?"

"You'd be surprised what people do when it's really cold outside and the floors are unforgiving on your feet," says my wife. "But why do you say shit like twat tornado? You're a sicko."

What else was I supposed to say???

"That's true," I say with a growing bad attitude because she still doesn't get my language 14 years later. Just for that, Im gonna say Im not in the mood for Mediterranean food despite the fact that I could really go for some pita and hummus.

Every realtor must hear the same shit over and over and over but have to act like it's the first time someone has said, "All this really needs is a fresh coat of paint. I bet that brightens the whole place up. A couple of other things here and there but nothing is perfect. The curb appeal isn't ideal but that can be changed easily. Well, maybe not for us lol. We've never been accused of having a green thumb."

Good bones. 

Nice kitchen. 

Great little backyard. Not huge but cute and plenty of room for entertaining.

Oh. Two fireplaces. That's a bonus. 

Good area with great schools.

Not our first choice for location but the inventory is low so we'll take a look.

HUGE basement and it's finished. I love that.

Lots of storage in the bathrooms which is great for towels to stay out of the way. 

Oh. Look at the primary suite. I think it's the original tile but you know what, I kinda like it. Charming.

Over and over and over. You also feel stressed waiting for the offer to be accepted or denied. 

Again, Rachael Real is fantastic and making the process as seamless as it can possibly be but when the market is hot, it's hot. It feels like I'm only looking when the market is hot and I'm ready for shit to cool all the way down.  

Hopefully, I have a new house under contract before I leave here. For the sake of my brain, my peace of mind, and my wallet still decently full, I need to. It's not a want but a need. If not, I will cry louder and longer than I ever have which is saying something because I'm the Steph Curry of crying. 

PS: This is a free ad but Rachael is for real great. I don't get anything from sharing this at all but if you are moving to Chicago and need a dedicated agent, look no further. You'll have an inbox full of perspective houses for you and your partner to fawn over. 

That being said, pray with me to whatever god you wish that we'll find a home cause I gotta move out of Texas.