Advertisement

Kia Drivers Are The Biggest Threat To Society

Justin Sullivan. Getty Images.

I was recently made aware of a phenomenon that makes my blood boil: Milwaukee's Kia Boys. Over the past couple years, these rapscallions have been wreaking havoc on budget vehicles produced in Korea. #KiaBoys is a trend on TikTok, and these youngsters steal cars and drive them in a manner that would appall even the most crosseyed road test overseer. 

Hyundais and Kias seem to be their favorites, for they are the easiest to steal thanks to manufacturing glitches and a shared lack of anti-theft systems. Clearly, the Koreans build their cars behind idealistic principles of trust, civic duty, and an adherence to the social contract. This makes sense when you consider that in 2020, there were 5.4 car thefts per 100,000 residents in Korea (Knoema). By contrast, we here in the good ol' US of A saw 268.2 thefts per 100,000 residents in 2021 (Statista)

Thus, we are 50 times better than Korea at stealing cars. And if that's culturally insensitive to the Koreans, just know that I once listened to a BTS song and did not mind it.  

You can find tons of videos of the Kia Boys, but here are a few favorites: 

Advertisement

That last one is truly insane. It's like how I drive when I play any of those car racing video games. No idea whatsoever on how to keep things smooth. 

Some guy made this video explaining it all, which is very long and boring. But far be it for me to withhold case materials from you:

Ok. You're up to speed. Today, I posted this video: 

Another Kia driver with no regard for human life. A total unwillingness to play by society's rules. Is being an anarchist a prerequisite to driving a Kia? When they sell you the car, do they make sure you hate humanity first? Christ in heaven. I thought Kia was the official car of the NBA. As it turns out, it's the official car of entitled monsters who simply want to watch the world burn. 

Exhibit A: 

Sounds good Sean, thank you for your advice. Let's take a look at this upstanding citizen: 

Advertisement

His profile is like when your math teacher tells your to show your work. Let's see Sean… yes, you understood the assignment.  

Everyone asks "what if the person behind you had a real emergency?" Let's clear that up. First of all, we're all sitting in the traffic and all of a sudden one asshole rips into the shoulder and blasts by. Then the floodgates open. Everyone sees one person do it, and then 30 cars go by. Every single one of those cars has to merge back in to my lane some 1,000 yards down the road. Every single one of them, therefore, is cutting me and adding time to my commute home. They are preventing me from being with my family. 

It does affect me. It is my business. I will not allow the dregs of society to cut into my time, to drag my life down, for their own selfish gain. 

If there were a real emergency, or a pregnant woman behind me, we'd know. They'd be waving their hands frantically. They'd jump out of the car and run up to tell me. I'd move back in immediately and let them pass. That is not what is happening with these people, EVER. They are just bad people. They are scum. And someone has to stop them. 

If a firetruck or ambulance comes up behind me, I'm making way. Obviously. And to those who say I'm breaking the very rule I wish to enforce by "driving" in the emergency lane myself, let's make one thing clear: I'm not driving in the lane. I'm patrolling the lane. I can hedge back in to the highway with a flick of the wrist. It's you people who abuse the shoulder who cause us good citizens to act this way. You are the chicken AND the egg. A rotten egg. 

But blocking the shoulder from cutters is not everyone's calling. I didn't choose this quest; the quest chose me. Let's try to be better, people. If we all play by the rules, we all get home sooner.