Last night Domingo German was tossed from the Yankees game after throwing three perfect innings because the umpires deemed his hands to be way too sticky. Then the camera caught him in the dugout with a brown substance on his pants before he hit the showers.
After the game he claimed that the brown residue on his pants was just chewing tobacco but who the hell is going to believe that guy now? The only people who usually have sticky hands and brown stuff on their pants are five year olds who love popsicles and hate wiping their ass properly.
But that got me to thinking, what are the worst things that can happen to a man's pants? Because even if German wasn't playing in a baseball game and he just got a foreign brown substance all over his pants while out to dinner, that can still be a humiliating night ender.
So without further ado here are the top five worst things that can happen to a man's pants...
5. You get too fat for them to fit
Getting too plump for last year's pants to fit comes in at number five because there is no public shame to it. This is something you suffer with alone. That moment of full blown panic when you suck in your gut and try with all your might to get the button to meet the hole and you're still a solid two inches away. Just demoralizing.
No matter where you try and place them on your waistline, which now extends from your mid thigh to right below your armpit (we call that the Mintzy RIP), you just can't find a spot with enough give to get those puppies secured. Time to take the drive of shame to Target with your head hung low and your pants size getting higher.
These days most pants are made with stretchy material and even have hidden drawstrings so this issue is not as prevalent. But there is no worse feeling than throwing on those suit pants for a wedding in the spring and realizing that your cheat day last fall turned into a cheat six months. Maybe you should have been utilizing that Planet Fitness membership for more than just a clean place to crap after you ate fast food on the road.
4. The crotch makes it look like you have a boner
This is a design flaw that I will never understand. What kind of maniac designer thinks that the material right around the groin region needs to be so stiff and rigid that it stands at attention and everyone thinks you're constantly hard? What attacks are we defending here? Is this supposed to be some kind of extra armor against ball taps?
The worst part about this is you almost never notice it on new pants until you are out in public and it's too late. And when you do notice you are never sitting a table eating where it is hidden. You're sitting in a chair with nothing in front of you and inevitably a beautiful woman is going to walk by.
And either she or your wife are going to notice your faux erection and now you're trying to explain the physics of rigid new denim while poking at your dick to show it's really not erect. Just a humiliating situation all around.
3. You get brown stuff on them
You could make a case that any of the next three could be number one on the list. There is nothing worse than sitting in some kind of brown substance and then unknowingly walking around with it looking like you dropped a load in your trousers. By the time someone points it it's way too late. You already walked around for hours in front of hundreds of people who now think you either have no control over your bowels or are just some maniac that doesn't mind traveling with a butt brownie.
Domingo German's brown stuff was part of the reason he got tossed from a baseball game and will lose a nice chunk of money. You having brown stuff on your pants is the reason you got tossed from Applebee's and lost a huge chunk of your self-respect as the local teens pointed and laughed at you. Either way it's a tough tough scene.
2. Zipper down in public
This is another one that somehow only happens at the most inopportune times. I find that it happens most frequently at parties when you have had a few drinks and there is pressure to use the restroom quickly. You're so preoccupied with it not looking like you were taking a dump that you forget one key step in the exit process. Secure the damn emergency flap.
If you really think about it this one is by far the silliest. Unless you're some kind of gigolo you're probably wearing boxers and no one can see anything anyway. But the shame of a zipper being left down is ingrained in us from elementary school. It's a sign of stupidity and weakness. It was something the bullies prayed upon. Now it's just something that makes your wife give you the look of death as you awkwardly grab for the zipper in front of her coworkers and stand on your tippy toes while you pull that bad boy up.
The figurative manhood is now secure behind a zipper but your emotional manhood has taken a huge L.
1. Tear the crotch of your pants
For my money there is nothing worse that can happen to a man's pants in public than tearing the crotch. There are so many levels the the shame, embarrassment, and hassle.
First of all, you now have to walk around in public with a giant hole running from your junk to your butt hole. Just your entire taint airing out for the whole world. On the plus side, I guess it gives easy access for anyone who is wildly attracted to slightly overweight men with dusty grundles.
Then you have the knowledge that everyone thinks you are fat. This is not something that happens to skinny people. And if it does it's probably because your pants are 20 years old so everyone now thinks you are poor. There is no dodging the judgment on this one.
And finally, you have to go by a new pair of pants. You know damn well you only have two pairs in rotation anyway and now you're down to one. You don't even remember the last time you went pants shopping and the thought of doing so and realizing you are actually two pants sizes bigger and out $60 for some new jeans is a total gut punch.
This is why I don't judge or laugh at someone when I see their pants are ripped. As easily as it was their manhood on display today, mine could be tomorrow. And I don't want to temp the crotch karma gods.