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We Need More Sporting Events Where The Loser Has To Retire

Tonight's main event at Rough N Rowdy is a "Loser Must Retire" match between Shizzat and Ninja. Which got me thinking that we need way more events like this in sports. I want careers ended after a loss. I want one man victorious and one man walking out of the arena in shame knowing that he just made his last dollar in the sport. I want pro athletes to feel what I feel every day, infinite sadness and regret.

For example, if the Lakers eliminate the Warriors tonight I think Klay Thompson should have to retire. His surgeon probably won't agree with this take since he's such a cash cow, but a loss here and he should have to limp off into the sunset. He's only averaging 11.3 ppg in the last 3 games so he's basically retired anyway. 

Giphy Images.

The Celtics vs Sixers Game 7 definitely needs to be a "must retire" match. If the Sixers lose I want both Embiid and Harden to have to retire. No one outside of Philly likes watching those two play basketball anyway. Diving around and jumping into people like two disobedient kids at a public pool who refuse to respect Adult Swim time. 

And if Boston loses I think Derrick White should have to retire. He's a fine player and all, but you can't get roasted for your hairline by Shaq and Chuck for two straight minutes AND lose a game 7 in the same playoffs. That is an automatic banishment from the sport.

I'd even be down with The Preakness being a "must retire" event. Would make the Triple Crown a whole lot more obtainable. One horse runs his ass off and wins. He'll get a chance to continue on to the the Belmont. The rest of the field has two options: Go be pimped out for their horse seed or be put down right there on the spot. 

Hope your swimmers are good fellas. 

Moral of the story is you need to hit tonight and join in the action. There is nothing like having some drinks with the boys and watching someone else's hopes and dreams get shattered.