A Dead-On Balls Accurate Preview Of The New York Giants 2023 Schedule

I think everyone has gotten their 17-0 jokes off, started making plans for which games they are seeing in person, and watched all the schedule release videos each team did. I give the Giants schedule release video a C-

Granted, I only watched a few seconds of it then tuned out because my attention span has been shattered by damn near two decades of social media. But if you aren't getting my old ass hooked in after a few seconds, you sure as shit aren't getting the Youngs hooked in. I feel like escape rooms are more fun to do than to watch, even though there were a couple of funny quotes I got as I quickly scrolled through the video before realizing it was FIVE minutes long. There is no reason for a five minute video to ever be on Twitter considering the Titans had maybe the best schedule release video ever clock in at just under 2 minutes.

Anyway, I guess it's time to get down to business and make my dead on balls accurate (it's an industry term) preview of the 2023 Giant schedule that will no doubt be 100% correct since nothing major ever changes in the NFL on a week-to-week basis.

- First off, shout out to the Giants for once again becoming good enough to not only warrant five primetime games but get that Week 1 game vs. the Cowboys back on the schedule. There is no way Jerruh wanted his Cowboys to play the guys with the lowercase ny on their helmets when the Giants absolutely STUNK. But now that Joe Schoen and Brian Daboll took a giant air freshener to the mess that Dave Gettleman left behind, the Giants can play a bunch after dark. Not that I'm happy about it because once again, I'm an old man that has trouble making it to halftime of the night games. But not having to worry about my team while criticizing all the other teams during the Sunday day games is always fun.

-  Remember those leaked schedules that said the Giants were playing 7 road games the first 10 weeks of the season? 

Yeahhhh, that was all bullshit (Thank God I wrote the blog just in case it was fake since I still got those sweet sweet pageviews). Turns out the Giants only play six games on the road in the first 10 weeks, with two games out West in five days during that time!

I won't complain too much about that however since the Giants are catching the Cardinals without Kyler and the 49ers likely without former Mr. Irrelevant and future Hall of Famer Brock Purdy. Then again, maybe it's best to catch the 49ers at the end of the season when they are on their 15th QB of the year as the Football Gods continue to fuck Kyle Shanahan over for the sins he has committed against fantasy players that draft his running backs. 

I would say there is some sort of player wellness issue about playing two games in a row across the country on shortened rest. But I think it's quite obvious the NFL doesn't give a flying fuck about the wellness of a single player let alone a group of players.

- Gonna come out and say that going Seahawks, Dolphins, and Bills after that start may not be fun considering they all made the playoffs last year, which takes us up to five 2022 playoff teams in the first six games. Something tells me I'm going to miss watching the Giants play the AFC South like they did last year.

- I guarantee that Commanders game will be an ugly, pretty boring game that comes down to the end of the 4th quarter as almost every Giants game against the Commanders/Football Team/Redsk has for years. I don't know who their QB will be for this game and I honestly don't care. Just thinking about this game has me wanting to take a nap.

- The Snoopy Bowl is BACK! I can't wait for the usually civil online discourse between Jets and Giants fans to reach a fever pitch of anger despite both of these teams being outright embarrassments for years before last season, with Giants fans holding the trump card of the 2011 Christmas Eve game that springboarded the G-Men to the Super Bowl and was the beginning of the end for the Rex Ryan Era following him covering up the Giants Lombardi trophies.

Nonetheless, it should be a good game and I'm preemptively marking this as the one Giants game I go to during the season since I love the game before Halloween where everyone dresses in costumes. Stop by L21 and say hi if you are tailgating.

- Three road games in a row doesn't phase me in the least considering most of my best Giants memories came with them wearing the white jerseys, with a bunch of those memories coming against the team they return home against. Obligatory videos of a bunch of those honestly still unbelievable memories.

- Now here's a gripe. I hate that Week 13 bye soooooo fucking much. Playing seven of your first 11 games on the road doesn't hurt as much if you get a bye snuggled in squarely in the middle of the season so the players can rest up from the hundreds of human car accidents they put themselves through every season. But a Week 13 bye feels like its almost definitely going to come after the turning point of injuries hits, even if the Maras were finally smart enough to rip out the dogshit turf they had that was a menace to Giant players' ACLs.

- Seeing Green Bay on the schedule without a future Hall of Fame QB on their roster is weird. Unless Jordan Love is going to become that, which would honestly be so fucked up for fans of NFC North fans to endure.

- This Saints game is a complete nothing burger to me outside of how much I want to go to New Orleans to watch it live. If you are young and like to party, go to New Orleans at some point with your friends. Trust me. The music, the food, and the vibes are all unlike anything I've ever seen and Saints fans were some of the kindest people I've ever met despite me rooting for the Giants in the Superdome. There is also a former coworker I'd love to say hi to if I ever got back to the Big Easy, preferably at a Pelicans happy hour.

- I hate the idea of my happiness on Christmas coming down to what 53 strangers do in Philly, especially since the Knicks will almost be definitely be finishing up their Christmas Day game a little before kickoff. But playing marquee games on holidays is what happens when your team isn't absolute dogshit, which is a tradeoff I will gladly take over utter irrelevance.

I also hate that the Boston Scott Giants Killer legend has somehow only grown over the years to the point the Eagles are tweeting shit like this out after the announcement of the game.

- If the Rams are actually trying in Week 17, it means Sean McVay is back on his bullshit, which will piss me off. The first half of this schedule looks like a beast, so we deserve this game to be an Aaron Donald rest day that is started by Stetson Bennett.

- Ending with the Eagles just feels right. The time being TBD just feels right too because it feels like there will be rested starters involved. Whatever. Fuck the Eagles.

- I said in last year's schedule preview that Giants Over 7 was my pick on the Barstool Sportsbook, which was right as usual. And I am taking whatever is the Over this year. It's a tougher schedule on paper since last year was kind of a joke. 

But Joe Schoen was actually able to sign players now that the Gettlemess is almost fully cleaned up and will be getting back a 2022 draft class that was ravaged by injury. Add it all together with my little lamb Daniel Jones taking another step forward as he shuts up all the OvErPaId crowd like Jalen Brunson just did and you have yourself another playoff team. 

Tell'em Mike!