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Rumor Has it Tom Cruise Shot His Shot With Shakira, but She's Not Interested and Thinks it's 'Hilarious'

Dan Istitene - Formula 1. Getty Images.

You don't have to be a fan of or know much about motor sports to understand that F1's Miami Grand Prix is a race unlike any other. With it's $250 nachos and $1,300 Jack Daniels:

… it's not an event for the commoners. It's closer to the Royal Coronation than it's an event for the prototypical racing fan who pulls Coors banquets out of the fridge in his garage while he's changing his own oil. As such, Miami is going to draw a rather exclusive crowd to the first class accommodations at the venue. It's where the elites go to seen and be seen. And when appropriate, recorded: 

If you believe the celebrity gossip - and I make it my policy to do so whenever the rumors are more interesting than the actual truth - Tom Cruise didn't merely exchange pleasantries with Shakira. He did her the great honor of selecting her as his latest romantic conquest:

Source - After Tom Cruise and the “Hips Don’t Lie” singer were photographed hanging out together at the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Miami over the weekend, a source exclusively tells Page Six: “He is extremely interested in pursuing her.”

“There is chemistry,” says the source.

Cruise, 60, is single and Shakira, 46, split from her longtime boyfriend Gerard Piqué, 36, last June amid allegations he was having an affair with his now-girlfriend, Clara Chia Marti.

This is great news for all involved, amirite? A few years removed from her exceptional Super Bowl halftime appearance, Shakira is very much desirable. She's on the rebound. And Tom Cruise is the very pinnacle of human evolution. I mean, talk about failing upwards! I don't know anything about this Gerard Pique', but getting cheated on by him and ending up with frigging Maverick is (to borrow a phrase from George Costanza) like discovering plutonium by accident. So you'd be right in assuming that Shakira has spent the days since on her knees, thanking Divine Providence for this glorious opportunity. (I know where you thought that sentence was going, and I'm asking you to keep your gutter thoughts out of my beautiful, romantic blog.)

But not so fast:

Source - According to Us Weekly, the Hips Don't Lie singer finds the rumours 'hilarious' and despite having a 'fun' time with Tom when they met at the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Miami, she has no plans to take things further. …

They went on to explain that the singer is currently taking a dating break after her 11-year relationship with Gerard Pique came to an end in June. 

The insider continued: 'Tom was really nice and she enjoyed his company, but she isn't focused on dating him or anybody else at the moment. She has a lot on her plate and is focused on her kids and career for now.'

What the what? Has the entire world gone mad? 

With all due respect to Shakira, or any other female member of the human race, you do not turn down Tom Cruise's sexual advances! It's simply not done. It's a disgrace. It's disrespectful. Not only to him, but to the entire world. There are hierarchies in nature. The Alpha gets to mate with whomever he wants, and the rest of us fight over his scraps. That's how things work. This is like living in the Persian Empire, being selected to be one of the wives in godking Xerxes royal harem, and turning him down. It would've been considered an act of heresy. So is this. 

If you want to do what's best for your career and your children, great. Start dating Tom Cruise and see for yourself what living in the bright glow of his orbit will do for both. After all, what kid wouldn't want his mom dating Ethan Hunt? I'm coming up on 30 years of marriage, and you can be dead certain my Faithful Irish Rose would get a hall pass for him. I'd insist. Go on. Have fun. Do an Eyes Wide Shut thing. Be his Kelly McGillis as you reenact the "Take My Breath Away" scene. It's a Writ of Prima Noctae situation. One I've been prepared to offer him ever since I first saw Risky Business in college. The least any one can do, given he's hung off cargo planes and climbed down the sides of glass skyscraper to give us 40+ years of top notch entertainment. To say "No" to Cruise is an affront to our whole species. 

And while I'm still trying to process this, and keep it romantic, the only appropriate response to that "hilarious" comment is the Les Grossman reply:

Giphy Images.

Here's hoping the next woman worthy of his attention has a better sense of how these situations are supposed to work.