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Fuck Chicago... I am moving to Barstool's new Michigan office.

I just learned of an event that made me want to make my triumphant return to the great state of Michigan...

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There isn't a ton about today's society that makes me say, "What a time to be alive!" without being sarcastic.  However, no matter how much I yearn for the simplicity of the '80s, "prettiest butthole" competitions were not even on the radar back then... And that, my friends, is progress. 

The owners of the club reached out to their social media followers for recommendations on categories, and the replies made my heart smile...

  • Steve wrote in- "Flying n from PA and bringing pool water test strips so we can measure their pH."

What a fucking idea!  But imagine how demeaning it would (or will) be for the contestants as they are crouched in front of a crowd on all-fours with their exposed assholes facing outward while a stranger gives them a little "dipstick dunk" in order to measure how filthy the immediate vicinity of their asshole might be?

For those who grew up poor, the pH level of pool water is a measure of its acidity. It is noted on a scale of 0 to 14, with a pH below 7.0 indicating the water is acidic. Conversely, a pH of 8.0 means the water is basic or alkaline. Precisely between these two points is the proper pool pH level: 7.4 to 7.8.

Acidic water not only stings the eyes and nasal passages, it strips the body of its natural oils, so low pH causes eye and skin irritation… Something you do not want after diving face-first into a pool OR a butthole.

Conversely once again, the further your pH level goes into the basic or alkaline range (above 8), the less effect your chlorine will have.  Consequently (not conversely), you'll then find yourself spending far too much money on chlorine and still having water that isn’t clear or an asshole that isn't white.  

  • Johnny wrote in- "How's about making one of the categories MOST LICKABLE."

Johnny got over 200 likes for this rec… More than any other I have seen thus far.

  • Mike followed Johnny's lead and proposed a few more categories- "Judge on TIGHTEST (pencil grab), OVERALL BEST LOOKING, and MOST RESEMBLING AN OLD LEATHER BOOT."

Mike was obviously kidding with that last one, but I have questions about the casual "pencil grab" suggestion in judging the TIGHTEST category… Does Mike want them to somehow use only their assholes to grab a pencil?

At first, I assumed he meant to have these gems pick up a pencil with their buttCHEEKS.  However, since this is obviously a buttHOLE competition, I think Mike might mean a judge places a pencil INSIDE these holes and then get some sort of measuring device that measures how much force is needed to pull the pencil out.

If that's the case, what do you think they do with those pencils after the competition is over?… I assume they sell them out of vending machines in Japan.

  • Pat wrote in- "I feel like no one is discussing dilation.  That seems like a worthwhile skill, no?"

No, Pat… It is not.

And I get the feeling Pat gets hard while feeding koi fish.

Giphy Images.
  • Lazer wrote in- "NUMBER OF SPOKES should be a category for sure."

And now I can't look at a bicycle tire the same way again.

  • Bryan- "Have them try to tie a cherry stem.  If she can do that, I would very much like to meet here."

Agreed, Bryan.

  • Jerry- "MOST ACCEPTING"
  • Max- "HAIRIEST"
  • Ben- "BEST TINT"
  • Saave- "WATERTIGHT INTEGRITY and LINE DEFINITION"
  • Da Hoover Don wrote in- "What about BEST RUST BELT?"

Now we're talking, Don!

Assuming that a "rust belt" is that ring of discoloration surrounding anyone's anus.

  • And finally, one of the only female commenters, Audrey, wrote in- "Make a hemorrhoids category PLEASE!"

Fucking relax, Audrey… You ratchet bitch.

So mark your calendars for May 20th, buy some clean pencils, and get your ass (literally) to Lansing, Michigan… I'll be the guy in the front row, counting spokes.

Giphy Images.

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And if you can't make it there for the buttholes, maybe keep some powder dry until July, and swing by for the big girls…

Take a report.

-Large