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What The Denver Nuggets Are Doing is Disgusting and They Have No Place in The NBA Playoffs

I had the displeasure of watching Game 2 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals between the Phoenix Suns and the Denver Nuggets last night, and let me be the first to say that I am fed up with the Denver Nuggets bullshit. 

Hey Denver, if you're going to bother finishing 53-29 for 1st place in the Western Conference, if you're going to bother making a deep playoff run, would it kill you to have more fun players?

Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. What do these 3 players have in common? They don't play for the Denver Nuggets. The list goes on. Giannis, Curry, Durant, Harden, Embiid, Morant, Tatum, Trae Young, Chris Paul. Not a single Nugget. Not one of them.

When I watch the Los Angeles Lakers play, I'm treated to LeBron James who is just as likely to score 50 points & 20 rebounds as he is to show up to the game piss-drunk off wine. The 76ers give us James Harden, one of the ugliest, fattest, most volatile Rick Ross-looking players in the league, alongside Joel Embiid who is a stiff breeze away from a gruesome, viral leg injury. The Golden State Warriors shoot the basketball exclusively from 40 feet away from the basket, while Draymond Green stomps on the ankles of his competition every time he runs down the floor. The Miami Heat have Jimmy Butler, who is the greatest player in the history of playoff basketball all of the sudden, and spends the entire game yelling at the top of his lungs for some reason. The city of New York will literally burst into flames if the Knicks win another series. I'll be fired if I talk negatively about the Celtics, so I think they're great. The Suns take part in the annual tradition of "Chris Paul blowing his last chance to win an NBA title." Sprinkle in a little KD and Devin Booker, and that will make this year's Chris Paul implosion even more special.

So many fun potential story lines. That's what I want to see. 7 of the 8 teams remaining in the playoffs are pulling their weight. But what do you bring to the table Denver Nuggets? What the FUCK do you have to offer us? 2 time league MVP Nikola Jokic? A chubby Serbian? YAWN! YUCK! Get a load of this ass hole.

Pedja Milosavljevic. Shutterstock Images.


My dick doesn't get hard for a chubby Serbian. Not a male one at least. Is nearly averaging a triple-double for the season supposed to impress me? Is 39 points and 16 boards in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals using fundamental basketball on both end of the floor, a strong post game, and unprecedented range from 3 for a big man supposed to be "fun"? How is no-nonsense basketball going to be hilarious on Twitter? If it's not hilarious on Twitter, how it that helping anybody?

Let's take a look at the rest of the Nuggets roster.

Bart Young. Getty Images.

Jamal Murray

Is Jamal Murray the player who I'm supposed to be exited about? I can name 5 cooler Murray's off the top of my head.
- Bill Murray
- Demarco Murray
- Andy Murray
- Eddie Murray
- Cousin Murray 

Dylan Buell. Getty Images.


Michael Porter Jr.

Michael Porter Jr. gives nothing in the needle moving department. The most fun fact I can find on Michael Porter Jr. is a tie between "He used to be coached by Brandon Roy" and "He lives a vegan lifestyle."

Bart Young. Getty Images.

Aaron Gordon

I didn't even know Aaron Gordon played in real basketball games. I was under the impression that the NBA kept him locked away in a drawer and pulled him out every 3-4 years at the All-Star Break in a desperate attempt to have a watchable dunk contest.

Giphy Images.

* Kentavious Caldwell-Pope

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope is so irrelevant that Barstool Sports doesn't have the rights to any of his pictures. I would have to pay Getty Images $5 to use one for this blog. Normally, I have no problem doing so, but I decided to not validate the Nuggets by paying someone else's money for the rights to use his picture.

* I will admit it was fun when he was playing for the Lakers on a work-release program, but that was over 5 years ago.

Elsa. Getty Images.


Jeff Green

Ok… I do like Jeff Green. I will pay the $5 to use his image. How is he still playing meaningful basketball? I swear he was 50-year old man when he entered the league. He was a nice in NBA 2K back in the early 2010's. He could hit the corner 3. But that was several sets of knees ago. I suppose marveling at the fact that Jeff Green still playing in the NBA is enjoyable. But that's it. Jeff Green is the only player I'm interested in, and to say I'm interested in Jeff Green is a stretch.

The Denver Nuggets are nothing but a group of solid players playing good team basketball. Sure, good basketball is a bonus. The Nuggets are a team full of quality NBA talent who mesh well together and play the game the right way. But that's not what the NBA is about. Not my NBA. The NBA is about keeping us entertained with bullshit off-the-court controversies, and petty drama between filthy rich adults in their 20's & 30's. The NBA is about your star player brandishing a gun on social media in the midst of a mental breakdown, and challenging Shannon Sharpe to a fist fight in the middle of a game. It's about photos of that player's strip club room covered in 100 dollar bills leaking on the internet. The NBA is about pretending to read The Godfather so people think you're worldly. It's about wearing a stupid fucking hat at the post-game press conference. It's about going to a strip club the night before an important Game 7, and being too hung over to shoot the next day. It's about your team's former 1st overall draft pick being so petrified to shoot the ball that he passes up open dunks and get ran out of town by his own fans. This Denver Nuggets roster gives us none of this. Do you know what the Denver Nuggets do instead? They play defense. It's disgusting to watch. They held the Suns to a vomit-inducing 87 POINTS. Do you really want to win this way? I know I wouldn't.

But the Denver Nuggets insist on winning games. We're a couple weeks away from a potentially all-time Western Conference Finals. Kevin Durant, Devin Booker, Chris Paul and the Suns going up against either Durant's former team in the Golden State Warriors, or LeBron James, the most prolific reader in NBA history. The Nuggets are threatening to rob us of that. Conservatively speaking, there are no more than zero people who would rather watch the Nuggets than the Suns. I'm not entirely sure how ratings work, but I'm confident that if the Denver Nuggets make it to the Western Conference Finals, the ratings will be so bad that the NBA will fold on the spot. They won't even bother finishing the playoffs.

Nikoli Jokic, if you're reading this, please give me something. Denounce Vladimir Putin. Or better yet, praise Vladimir Putin. I know you're not Russian but Serbia has a similar vibe.

Jamal Murray, maybe consider cheating on your wife with a porn star. Maybe spit on a fan. Maybe bite Kevin Durant's ankles next time you're matched up against him. Do something despicable.

Aaron Gordon, try playing the next game with your penis out. 

I'm begging you Denver. Give me one headline. If you're going to insist on winning, I'm going to need you to meet us halfway. Give us a reason to watch you. And that reason better not be because you're "playing good basketball."