Vicious Goose Running Around Fordham's Campus Reminds Us That if Birds Wanted To They Could Kill Us All

NY Post - Students at Fordham University’s Rose Hill campus in The Bronx have had their feathers ruffled by a wild goose in recent weeks.

And they say the “belligerent” fowl has left them injured and traumatized.

“I heard some screams outside of my window. Continuous screaming. I looked outside and saw a girl hiding behind a tree,” Violet Marshall, 19, a sociology major at Fordham, told The Post of one recent encounter.

“At first it was kind of funny … but then it was scary. I met one girl who fell running from the goose — she hurt her wrist and now she’s in a brace,” Marshall said of the flight fest that began April 10 and went on for weeks.

Advertisement

Look at the amount of havoc a single Canadian Goose can cause. Just one rogue goose who decided he was fed up with the bullshit, and was sick and tired of these asshole college students walking politely to class. This one goose caused enough chaos to have a New York Post article written about him (which I think makes him him the most famous goose in the world). Fordham students are shaking in their boots every time they walk to class, because they know if they make eye contact with the goose, it's game over for them.

Birds have been letting humans go about our business for centuries, but the Fordham Goose serves as a friendly reminder that at any point, if they so choose too, birds can ruin our lives.

What do you do if a single robin picked you out? Just one wee little orange bellied robin would make your life HELL if it decided to target you. Every time you walked outside it was on your ass. It might not kill you, but it would certainly ruin your life if everywhere you went, you had to fend off a robin. That's horribly inconvenient. And that's just a single bird. There are an estimated 50 billion birds in the world, as opposed to 8 billion humans. That's 6.25 birds per person. Good luck dealing with one bird, let alone 6 and a quarter. Even if you had a shotgun. If 6.25 birds plan a coordinated attack… I mean you might eventually be able to get rid of them eventually (depending on how good your shot is) but you will bleed your own blood. Best case scenario, you kill the birds but end up with some sort of nasty bird disease.

We've all seen Alfred Hitchcock's cinematic masterpiece, "Birds"

Well.. I haven't actually seen it. But I know what it's about. Birds are a problem.

How would we even begin to combat a bird war? We could all carry around shotguns. Every time we leave our home we grab our shotty's and walk out the front door blasting. We'd all dress like Elmer Fudd and slowly creep around with our heads to the sky hunting bird, shooting every one we see. That would be the most American way to go about it. An America where everybody walks around with a shotgun would be kind of sweet.

Another option would be to build large dome over our community like in the Simpson's Movie, or a series of domes that cover high traffic areas. 

Then we would only have to worry about the birds while moving between domes. But in that case, gangs of birds would just wait outside the doors of the domes, and peck our eyes out a soon as we stepped outside. We'd end up confined to our domes. The birds would shut down our supply chain, and importing & exporting would become extremely difficult. Dome life is only sustainable for so long.

Advertisement

We would have to invent some type of bird repellent, or an agent orange spray that kills birds on the spot. But killing every bird would severely mess up our ecosystem. I don't understand how, but I know if we eliminated birds there would be some very negative environmental effects. Also, a few years after we started using the bird repellent, we'd probably learn that the repellent has negative affects on humans, and all of the sudden we'll start having babies with 3 arms and stuff. That's no good.

All of those ideas are very stupid. My only point is that birds have the power to ruin on lives. If the bird revolution ever comes, I'm confident that humans would prevail in the end. We do have thumbs and brains after all. But there would be casualties. The would  would change forever. If there are any birds reading this, thank you for letting us live our lives. Next time you see me out I'll toss you some bread crumbs.