4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

Latest Sign the End Times are Here: Bizarre, Unexplained, Surgical Cattle Mutilations are on the Rise

Shutterstock Images.

For as long as I can remember, "cattle mutilation" has been one of those disposable catch phrases you throw into a list of things only crazy people talk about, like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster and alien abductions and so on. The sort of thing a lazy scriptwriter will put in the mouth of a character as shorthand to let you know this is a crackpot you're supposed to laugh at and not take seriously. 

Well the next time someone mentions it, before you start rolling your eyes and twirling your finger next to your temple, take a second to realize that, whatever the cause of this phenomena, it is not a conspiracy theory. It is very, very real. And authorities haven't the first clue what to make of it. 

A while back I read the book The 37th Parallel by Ben Mezrich, who also wrote the books that The Social Network and 21, the Kevin Spacey movie about the MIT card-counting team, were based on. Here's a brief synopsis:

Like Agent Mulder of The X-Files, microchip engineer and sheriff’s deputy Chuck Zukowski is obsessed with tracking down UFO reports in Colorado. … But this innocent hobby takes on a sinister urgency when Zukowski learns of mutilated livestock—whose exsanguination is inexplicable by any known human or animal means.
 
Along an expanse of land stretching across the southern borders of Utah, Colorado, and Kansas, Zukowski documents hundreds of bizarre incidences of mutilations, and discovers that they stretch through the heart of America.

"Exsanguination" refers to the process of draining blood. And in all the cases of these mutilated cattle - mainly along that 37th parallel across the middle of the US, though not exclusively to it - the cows are found bled out, but with not a drop of blood to be found anywhere. With very specific parts of their bodies missing. Apparently removed with surgical precision. With no sign of animal predators or any trace of human footprints in the area. 

Which is exactly how this latest unexplained incident is being described: 

Source - Six cattle were mysteriously found dead with their tongues “completely removed” and no sign of blood spilled — mystifying Texas authorities this week. 

Ranchers in Madison County found a 6-year-old longhorn-cross cow lying on her side, deceased and mutilated, along a state highway in east-central Texas, the Madison County Sheriff’s office said on Wednesday.

The animal’s tongue had been “completely removed from the body with no blood spill” after a “straight, clean cut, with apparent precision” had been made to remove the hide around the cow’s mouth on one side, according to the sheriff’s office.

The cow did not seem to struggle during the incident, as the grass around the animal was undisturbed, officials said. 

No footprints or tire tracks were found in the area. 

Ranchers also said there were no predators or birds trying to scavenge the remains of the cow, which decayed untouched for several weeks.  …

Four adult cows and one yearling were reported dead by similar occurrences, lying on one side with the exposed side of their face cut along the jaw line.

All five also had their tongues “completely removed,” the sheriff’s office said.  

On two of the five cows, authorities discovered that “a circular cut was made removing the anus and the external genitalia.” The cut had been made with “the same precision” as the cuts along the cow’s jaws. 

Invariably, these bizarre, grisly findings end up getting dismissed as animal attacks, despite all the evidence to the contrary. And when someone points out that apex predators tend to rip their pray apart, spill quarts of blood, eat their flesh, and generally leave a crime scene behind. Then the speculation typically suggests there could be a cult of weirdos performing ritual sacrifices. That doesn't hold up either, as no one has ever reported roving bands of highly organized Satan-worshiping laser surgeons with a keen interest in doing the bidding of the Prince of Darkness with beef tongue and cow assholes. 

Both these non-explanations are just the cattle mutilation version of blaming UFO sightings on swamp gas or weather balloons. Which I mention because it's hard not to connect the dots between these two unanswered, unexplained phenomena. Which researcher Tim Doyle did last night on national television:

“Cattle mutilations have been going on, in depth, since the 70s. There was a New Mexico state police officer who investigated up to 90 cattle mutilations in New Mexico. In one of those cases, from 1976, Gabe Valdez, the police officer, found evidence of a triangular-shaped object landing near a cow. Then some kind of tripods exiting this craft. And these tripods were anywhere from 28 inches to four inches in length.

“Now Gabe said in his investigation that these tripods - that exited this UFO craft - followed the cow for 600 feet before the cow finally fell dead. And these tripods had little tracks that they left on the ground. Gabe returned to the same incident site for a second time and found these tracks had actually gone over his tire tracks.”

So that was almost 50 years ago. And the cattle in question were killed in the exact same manner as this past week. Clean cuts. No blood. Tongues, buttholes, penises and vaginas removed with the surgical precision you're not going to get from mountain lions, creepy loners, cow vandals, crazed vegan activists, or deranged butchers. 

You might think it's a huge leap of logic to blame this on UFOs, with no evidence at all to support the claim. And to an extent, I'd agree with you. It beats me why sentient beings would cross interstellar space just to come here to collect cow genitals. Especially when there are perfectly good tenderloins and ribeyes right there waiting to be taken back to the mothership for a blowout BBQ.

Advertisement

But before you reject it, you'll have to come up with an explanation of your own. And in over a half a century and thousands of these mutilations, no one - not law enforcement, federal agencies, insurance companies, or the ranchers themselves who are getting their property destroyed in this way - have come up with a single plausible idea. 

Giphy Images.