Dumping Them Out: 6 Movie Proposals
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. The time is 11:29 AM EST, on April 23rd, 2023. It is a beautiful & sunny 60 degree day here in Jersey City, New Jersey. The perfect day to sit inside and browse the internet for the hottest new GIFs.
I wonder what Barstool would do if I submitted them a whole-ass movie script. They would probably say something along the lines of, "John why would you spend your time writing a movie script? This thing is huge. It must have taken you months. You didn't think to run that by us ahead of time? We don't produce movies, dude. Can't you just write a sketch or something?"
Yeah that's probably how it would go. But hypothetically speaking, if I were to write a movie script, here are some ideas.
Movie 1: Rambo-esque action movie about a low-level Barstool Sports employee who makes the ill-advised decision to spend $8 to verify himself on Twitter. Upon purchasing the verification, the employee is greeted at his front door by hundreds of angry ninjas. The ninjas are besides themselves that a Barstool Sports employee would have the audacity to pay $8 for additional Twitter features. It's the greatest act of betrayal one can make. After all that the ninjas have done for him? He'll be lucky to make it out alive
Movie 2: A movie about myself (starring myself). In the movie I give a homeless person a $1 bill. After I give him the dollar, there's a giant puff of smoke. As the smoke clears, we see that the homeless person has transformed into a fancy man wearing the finest clothes. The fancy man announces that he's been sitting on the corner for weeks, and I was the first person to show him the kindness of a crumpled up $1 bill and zero eye-contact. The man reveals that his name is Rich Uncle Pennybags, and he's been waiting patiently to reward one kind stranger with eternal wealth and happiness. We waves his magic wand at me, and my pockets fill with cash. I check my bank account and I have $1 billion dollars. Rich Uncle Pennybags and I proceed to go to all of the coolest clubs in New York City where we're treated like gods and all of the girls want to have sex with us (one of these days when I give a homeless guy a dollar this is going to happen).
Movie 3: A movie starring Adam Sandler. It will have a very vague trailer. The cast will include Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Drew Barrymore, etc. so everybody will assume it's a typical Adam Sandler family style comedy. But halfway through the movie things get very dark. The big twist is when we reveal that Adam Sandler's character is actually a sex-trafficking cult leader who has been dead the whole time. Then it turns into a psychological thriller. This idea still needs some more flushing out, but people love to be blindsided by movies like that.
Movie 4: Do you know Bunny The Dog? Bunny The Dog is a dog on TikTok who's family wants us to believe that they've taught their dog the English language. In reality, they just shove a camera in Bunny's face all day long, and force her to step on random floor buttons until she accidently strings a few cute words together. In this movie, a group of dogs team up to rescue Bunny from her evil family. In the end, the dogs are able to extract Bunny from her button-filled prison, and Bunny gets to live the rest of her life as a normal happy dog.
Movie 5: A high school wrestling movie about a private school who cracks to code to wrestling success by strictly recruiting wrestlers who don't have legs. Kids come from all around the country come to attend the school, and they turn into the most storied wrestling program in the nation. Since the wrestlers don't have legs, their upper bodies are double the size of their 2 legged opponents. Also, their opponents don't have experience wrestling people with no legs, so they're impossible to prepare for. But the legless wrestlers know exactly what they're doing. However, the movie takes a dark turn, as members of the wrestling community petition to have the program shut down, citing that the team has an unfair advantage. It all comes to a head when a struggling high school wrestler cuts off his own legs so he could join the team. It turns into a whole national discussion. Not sure how this one ends but I think there's a lot of potential here.
Movie 6: Turns out yellow 5 really does make your dick small… it just takes 30 years to kick in. Dicks are shrinking left and right. Nobody knows why at first, until they conduct a study and find out that all of the dick shrunken men were heavy Mountain Dew drinkers as children. The case of Small Dicked Men vs Mountain Dew goes all the way to the Supreme Court. The movie ends up being centered around a Johnny Cochran type lawyer who represents the small dicked men. He yells about small dicks a lot and has some really funny lines. In the end, Mountain Dew agrees to pay a settlement to the victims. But it's a small settlement. Each person only makes like $3,000, which is kind of nice, but it's not nearly enough to make up for their disappearing dick. It's a bitter sweet ending.