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It's Been "0" Days Since A Colossal Emergency Management Text Alert Screw Up

I'm out in Florida this week to spend some vacation time with extended family and get woken up at 4:45am by some bullshit Emergency Alert test. But you know what? I learned something about myself. You know how the main character gets suddenly woken up in suspenseful action movies and has to immediately take action to save everyone from whatever monster is about to eat them? I learned I'd look that monster dead in the eye and go right the fuck back to sleep. No less than five phones throughout the house went blaring. Didn't stop me.

I didn't have a clue what was going on until hours later when I saw this:

I guess we now know where they transferred the guy who texted all of Hawaii that a missile was incoming with "this is not a drill" five years ago. Shame to see him have to erase the "no colossal fuckups in ___ days" whiteboard. As you probably already know, the field of Emergency Management is designed to program us all into never believing anything coming from it is actually real. And now that everyone in Florida has been incentivized to google how to turn emergency alerts off, they can probably just start using the alert system to send memes to each other from one office to the other. At this point, why not? 

While everyone in Florida chucked their phones against the wall, another "rapid unscheduled disassembly" occurred in Texas with the heavily anticipated SpaceX launch. I watched it online blurry-eyed and all. It was a thrill to hear crowds both cheer out of nowhere and let out disappointing "ohhhs" out of nowhere leaving my already struggling brain wondering if the thing was about to take a b-line out of control. Imagine if it went rogue towards Florida. Everyone's emergency alert would be turned off and no one would ever see imperative emergency text notification: "LOL, hey Rick boss says there's a real missile coming this time, should we chill on the memes or nah?"

Anyway, I think a Stella Blue Coffee exclusive for Floridians is warranted here. Give us $4.45 off an order! Be our hero! 

I'm going back to sleep.

- Jeffro