This WorldStar Video Is The End Of Society

People like to say "there are two types of people in this world," followed by some sweeping platitude that bifurcates humanity into two arbitrary categories for the sake of their point. Usually, this exercise is foolish. There are plenty of types of people in this world. 

But when it comes to using the shoulder/breakdown lane to cut traffic, there are two motherfucking types: those who do, and those who don't. 

We live in a society. Or at least, I used to think we did. I've started to lose hope lately. It all seems to be coming apart. The unwritten rules don't seem to matter anymore. It starts with not picking up your dog's poop because you're out of poop bags. One day you hit the end of that bag spool and, instead of using a stick to flick it into the shrubbery, you look around and see mound after mound of poop all around you. Surely, this many mounds of poop cannot be explained by a poop bag supply chain shortage. What's one more mound of poop, you wonder? Hell, it's fertilizer. I'm helping the grass. 

So you leave it. And the next day, you're eating an apple, and you can't find a trash can. So you toss the core on the ground. That'll decompose quick and, once again, fertilizer. Maybe the seeds will miraculously bury themselves into the earth and by next year, a full apple orchard bursting with macintoshes will stand here! I'm the Johnny Appleseed of Central Park! 

From there, it's an easy descent into littering, hopping the turnstile at the subway station, walking the wrong direction up a flight of down stairs. Fuck it, you're done fixing ball marks on the green—let the maintenance crew do their job. Rake the bunker? Eh, it's late in the day and the group behind us seems to be hitting well enough to avoid the sand. 

You're a bad boy now. Time for a face tattoo. Petty theft, arson, and stealing from grandma's gangster roll in her sock drawer are easy justifications. There's no stopping this train; this is the devolution of morality, of conscience, of collective effort. 

It's been sad to see. But while many have said, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," I will fight the fight until I'm wearing a bullet between my eyes. I didn't choose the cape, the cape chose me. I am the roadblock of justice. 

That worldstar video above nearly broke me. "Fuck everything they got," he says. And that's exactly it: fuck your time, fuck your commitments, fuck your life. At least he's calling it as it is. His time is more valuable. Let's turn the roads into a free-for-all. Let's play Mario Kart on the highway. 

But when all hope seems lost, I take comfort in knowing that for every heartless, selfish, douchebag citizen who acts this way, there are those who will edge their car out into the shoulder and stop these selfish anarchists. Be the hero, folks. 

Unless you hear sirens. Then come back into the lane.