How NYC Appointed It's First Ever Rat Czar

"There's a new sheriff in town!" - Kathleen Corradi (talking to rats)

New York City has officially appointed it's first ever Rat Czar. The Rat Czar's name is Kathleen Corradi. I'm not sure what her qualifications are. I'm not one to read articles, or write factual stories. I'm more interested in speculating wildly on how the Rat Czar came to be. If you're going to be dubbed the Rat Czar, then you better have an extensive history with rats. I'd like to imagine my Rat Czar growing up something like this:

This completely hypothetical Rat Czar who I will not give a name for legal purposes grew up bright-eyed and bushy tailed on the gentrified streets of Brooklyn, New York. By all measurements, The Rat Czar should be a true New Yorker. From spitting on homeless people to eating dinner on the subway, The Rat Czar embraces the New York City lifestyle to the fullest. But there's one thing about the city that The Rat Czar has always refused to embrace. The rats.

As a child, the Rat Czar (hypothetically female) would pull her skirt up and shriek like a Looney Toons character every time she saw a rat. 

"EEEEK!!! IT'S A RAT!!!", she would scream.

For the longest time, she avoided rats like the plague. She refused to attend her best friend Carole's 8th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, as well as her Mighty Mouse themed 9th birthday party. Her stubbornness caused a rift in their friendship.

Carole: "They're not even rats, they're mice."

Rat Czar: "Mice are just rats with better PR."

It wasn't until Carole's 11th birthday when The Rat Czar finally overcame her fears when Carole invited the whole class over to her house to play the board game, Mouse Trap.

Rat Czar: "What the fuck Carole? You're really having another rat themed birthday party? This is starting to feel personal."

Carole: "Again, they're mice. And not everything is about you. I refuse to be held hostage by your irrational fears. I saw a commercial for Mouse Trap the other day and it looked incredible. It's my birthday, and I want to play Mouse Trap."

Rat Czar: "I thought we were past this bizarre rodent party phase. Remember how much fun we had at the water park for your 10th birthday? Why don't we just do that again?"

Carole: "How dare you suggest that. You know that my dad was laid-off. We can't afford to take the whole class to the water park this year."

Rat Czar: "Then why are you inviting the whole class? That's stupid. You don't have to do that. Nobody else does that. You're the only person who invites everybody in our class. We don't even like most of our classmates. Just invite 5 or 6 people to the water park. That would be way more fun."

Carole: "Well I'm sorry for being inclusive. Have you even seen the Mouse Trap commercial? It's so good. It's the coolest board game I've ever seen. Just get over your stupid fear of mice, or rats, or whatever the fuck it is and come play Mouse Trap with me for my birthday."

The Rat Czar eventually watched the commercial. She couldn't deny that the game looked spectacular. She wasn't thrilled about playing, but figured if she stole a Xanax from her mother's purse, she could muster up the courage to attend.

So the morning of the party, the 11-year child ate a Xanax bar and went off to her friend Carole's birthday to play Mouse Trap. 

At the party, the kids wasted no time. They had all seen the commercial as well, and were just as fired up as Carole. Carole set up the game, and they began to play. Within 10 minutes they realized that in reality, Mouse Trap sucked. It was far too complicated, and nothing like the commercial. The kids quickly tried to move on to Nerf Guns, but The Rat Czar was having none of it. 

"OH COME ON! Do you realize what it took for me to get here. I stole drugs from my mom. I'm 11-years old, and I stole drugs from my mom. Do you know how addictive Xanax is? My chances of developing a life altering-drug habit have skyrocketed, all so I could sit in a corner and watch you a ass holes play a game I never cared about in the first place. And you're just going to quit after 10 minutes? Not on my watch. Everybody sit the FUCK back down. We're playing Mouse Trap whether you like it or not."

Advertisement

The Rat Czar took control of the game. She split up the party into teams, and successfully guided a class of 6th-graders through a game of Mouse Trap from start to finish. When the game was over, everyone at the party agreed that the game was, "ok". Not a game they would play again, and not nearly as fun as the commercial made it seem, but with someone motivated taking charge, it was at least playable.

Better yet, The Rat Czar had overcome her fear of rats. Leading her class through a game of Mouse Trap taught her that rodents were not meant to be feared, they were meant to be conquered. 

This completely hypothetic person spent the majority of her career as an educator. She bounced around from organization to organization, but she could never find a place she felt comfortable calling home. Until 2015, when she caught her big break. She learned that the Department of Education was hiring for a Sustainability Manager. She had always wanted to be a Sustainability Manager. As a Sustainability Manager, she oversaw the implementation of sustainability strategies during a project. This usually relates to the environmental impacts of the work being carried out, to ensure that the project adheres to the most economically and environmentally friendly methods possible. 

It was her dream job. As the NYC Department of Education's Sustainability Manager, she did a lot of things. She did all of the things she was supposed to do from 2015-2021. She did the things so well, that in 2021 she was promoted to 'Director Space Planning'.

As Director Space Planning, she caught the attention of beloved New York City Mayor Eric Adams. Mayor Adams liked her style. He took an interest in her in a non-sexual way. The two would frequently go to happy hour after work as platonic friends. One day, on their way to the bar, a big hairy rat scurried across the sidewalk. Mayor Eric Adams, who is deathly afraid of rats, scaled a light pole in fear.

Advertisement

"EEEEK!!! IT'S A RAT!!" - Eric Adams

But The Rat Czar remained calm. Without missing a beat, she punted the rat into the side of a local jewelers. She picked up the rat by it's tail, and spun it over her head like a rodeo cowboy. She bashed the rat repeatedly onto the glass window of the jeweler. She bashed and she bashed and she bashed until the rat was dead, and the window was covered in blood and guts. 

Rat Czar: "Nice try, Derek."

Mayor Adams: "What did you say?"

Rat Czar: "I said, 'Nice try, Derek.'"

Mayor Adams: "You named the rat?"

Rat Czar: "Killing a rat and not giving it a name is inhumane"

Mayor Adams: "Good point. We should probably clean this up."

Rat Czar: "Leave it as a warning to the other rats."

Mayor Adams: "No. It would be a bad look for me as mayor to leave a bloody rat massacre outside of a local jewelers. There's a crowd of people watching us"

Rat Czar (reluctantly): "Ok fine, we'll clean it up."

The citizens of New York cheered as the two city officials cleaned up the bloody rat mess. That's when Mayor Adams had an idea.

Mayor Adams: "You know what, I was recently given $3.5 million dollars in funding to do whatever the hell I want with."

Rat Czar: "Does that happen a lot?"

Mayor Adams: "Yes. The city just throws tax payer money at me all the time. Sometimes I forget to use it haha. I was planning to donate all $3.5 million to the Met Gala, but after confronting a rat for the first time in my life, I've decided that rats are now the biggest problem facing our city. How would you like to be our very first Head of Rat Control?"

Rat Czar: "I would prefer to be called the Rat Czar"

Mayor Adams: "Ok, sure."

Rat Czar: "Then I accept. Can I wear a crown?"

Mayor Adams: "No, I would rather you not."

Rat Czar: "Ok that's fine."

Again, I didn't read the article, but maybe that's how the Rat Czar situation came to be. However it happened,  Kathleen Gorradi was officially announced as the city's Rat Czar on Wednesday morning. For an annual salary of $170,000 per year, Kathleen will be expected to dedicate her life to exterminating rats.