People In The Philippines Are Celebrating Easter By Getting Crucified.. Like Actually Crucified.. On Crosses... For Real

Eight Filipinos were nailed to crosses to reenact Jesus Christ’s suffering in a bloody Good Friday tradition, including a carpenter, who was crucified for the 34th time with a prayer for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine to end because it has made poor people like him more desperate. 

The real-life crucifixions in the farming village of San Pedro Cutud in Pampanga province north of Manila resumed after a three-year pause due to the coronavirus pandemic. About a dozen villagers registered but only eight people showed up, including 62-year-old carpenter and sign painter Ruben Enaje, who screamed as he was nailed to a wooden cross with a large crowd watching in the scorching summer heat.

First of all, my jaw DROPPED when I saw the one old man had been crucified 34 times. THIRTY FOUR TIMES!

Im not sure what the rules are on the blog about posting pictures of folks getting crucified but it's the weekend so I feel like more things can fly. That being said, I aint including a bunch of pictures because it's fuckin odd. Why? Just why? 

It's been a few years since I brushed off the ole seminarian hat but Im pretty sure this is the antithesis of what you are supposed to do to celebrate Easter, which is also known as Resurrection Sunday in evangelical circles. The way I learned about the crucifixion is that it was very, very bad but needed in order to wash the ole sins away. The entire reason that happened is so that we don't have to die for our own sins. These folks decided they wanted to do it anyway. I bet Jesus was watching like

I mean, I dont like when someone eats before coming to my house for dinner. If I'm gonna go through all that damn trouble of making brisket nachos on easter, I want people to eat as much as they want. But if you are eating before you eat what I made you, Id be upset. Imagine getting crucified and then seeing people doing it for funsies. I'd be looking down at the holes in my hands like I was doubting Thomas. Ole "Are You Sure" headass. 

Odd. 

Painful.

No thank you. 

Nope. 

Do not wanna be crucified in any way shape or form. It seems prreeeetyyy miserable getting crucified imo. Why? Well…

Crucifixion was… or I guess is… a method of execution that involves nailing or binding a person to a cross made of wood (typically dogwood in the early centuries). It was a form of punishment and public execution used by the ancient Romans and was typically reserved for slaves, foreigners, and political dissidents. They would often be nailed up outside of the city gates for people to see. It's was kinda like when you hang coyotes over the barbed wire so that other coyotes know what will happen if they start fucking with the sheep. 

The person being crucified would be stripped of their clothing and then either tied or nailed to the cross, with their arms outstretched and their feet either bound or nailed to the cross. The position of the body on the cross would make breathing difficult, and death would usually result from asphyxiation or exhaustion. Miserable. 

Obviously, the most famous example of crucifixion is the execution of Jesus Christ but he was hardly the first or the last. In fact, there was a time when hundreds of people were crucified at the same time because this dude Cesear named Nero was a sadistic fuck. He fucking loved crucifying people. Loved it. Couldn't get enough. 

Nero is known for his tyranny and cruelty, particularly against early Christians. According to legend, he was responsible for the Great Fire of Rome in 64 AD, and he blamed the fire on the Christians, leading to their persecution and execution by the thousands. The hillside was said to be filled with folks on crosses. Not great. It is said that Nero himself was responsible for the execution of the apostles Peter and Paul even doing some crucifixions with the victims upside down making their death exceedingly cruel. 

Centuries later, crucifixion as a method of execution was gradually phased out by the Roman Empire in the 4th century AD because it was too barbaric. Think about that. Too barbaric for the early 400s and these folks are doing it on the weekend for fun and one fella did it thirty four times. Theres not many things I've done 34 times but I've never been crucified even once? Does that make me a pussy? Depends on who you talk to but yes. Ill admit it; I am too big of a pussy to voluntarily get crucified. Nutso buttso. 

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But that doesn't stop our friends that are celebrating in their own ways in the Philippines. If it were up to me, I'd rather hunt some eggs, eat some peeps, toss back some Cadbury eggs, play with some fake grass, carry a cute basket, or even sit on the Easter Bunny's lap. What I don't wanna do is go to the Philippines and get crucified especially when we have work on Monday. Imagine explaining to your coworkers that you can't type because you drove a nail through both wrists or imagine having to sit out of the company slow pitch softball game because you can't run… due to the nail wounds in your feet. To me, that would be enough of a deterrent to not voluntarily get crucified. 

PS: there are pictures of them and it's clear that the nails are really, really nailed through their hands and feet. Insanity. Just insanity. If you wanna see them, scroll through the pictures here because again, Im not sure what the crucifixtion rules are on the blog. We should make that more clear. I'll ask HR on Monday but without holes in my hands. I've been doing that for 40 years and it's worked out well not getting crucified. Anyway, the Masters got canceled today so now I'm reading about this shit and so are you. I hate the rain. I wish I could crucify the rain. Call that Ponchoius Pilate.