Thoughts vs. Words
I had a dentist appointment Friday morning. My dentist & dental hygienist were nothing short of kind and professional, but that did not stop me from thinking very mean things about both of them. It's hard not to think mean things about people when they're make you bleed from your mouth.
I'm assuming I'm not the only person who does things like that. I can't be. Sometimes you just gotta let some mean thoughts rip, even though you fully know you're in the wrong. They're clearly thoughts that you would never say. In most cases they're thoughts that you don't even agree with. It happens in all sorts of situations.
Dentist Office
Dentist: "Does that hurt?"
My Thoughts: This is literal torture. You are torturing my mouth with a sharp metal object you sadistic ass hole. I know my gums are bleeding. You can see that right? It's not like I floss and am prepared for this type of dental work, DoEs iT hUrT.. Yeah it fucking hurts ass hole.
Me: "Nope."
Dentist: Drills Tooth
My Thoughts: Jesus Christ woman you're really just going to take a drill directly to my tooth? You haven't figured out a more humane way to do this yet? I hope somebody pushes you in front of a bus later.
Dentist: * Says something inaudible because she's wearing a mask and speaking softly
My Thoughts: How can you possibly think I can hear that? Even if I could hear what you just mumbled under your breath, how do you expect me to answer? I can't say a word. My mouth and throat a filled with your 1920's dental equipment. Is this some sort of sick joke you play on patients?
Me: "Ahh.."
Dentist: "I'm just going to polish this up this filling and we'll be done."
My Thoughts: "I don't fucking care just do your god damn job and get me out of here."
Me: "Ahh..
Appointment Ends
Dentist: "How was it? Hopefully not too painful!"
Me: "Not at all that was great! Thank you so much! Best dentist ever!"
Taking An Uber
Uber Driver: "Hey, let me know if you want me to change the temperature or play any music."
My Thoughts: "Oh my god you're going to be one of those Uber drivers who never shuts the fuck up aren't you."
Me: "Ok, thanks!
Uber Driver: "…"
My Thoughts: "It's literally 1 million degrees in here how is this man not dripping sweat? You can't possibly just drive around like this. Are you trying to kill me? I'm literally suffocating back here. Like, I'm going to puke. Oh my god, I'm going to puke, I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke."
Me: "…"
Uber Driver: "…"
Getting Uber Eats Delivery
My Thoughts: Watching driver on map* - "Have you never drove a car before in your life? OMG what are you doing? Turn. Turn. TURN! FUCKING TURN!!! Oh my god he missed the exit. Wait now what are you doing? Oh you're just stopped in the middle of the highway. That's cool, that makes sense. I hope for you're sake you've been in a fatal car crash because what I do when I get my hands on you is going to be SO MUCH worse. You have one job man. Just bring me my food it's so god damn easy. Just wait until Uber Eats sees my review. It's going to be SCATHING. You'll never deliver another Uber Eats meal in your life.
Uber Eats Delivery Guy: * Shows up 30 minutes later * - "Sorry for the wait man, here ya go!"
My Words: "No problem at all! Thanks!" - 5 Star Rating + 25% tip
Random Golfer Who Was Placed In Your Foursome Because Your Friend Didn't Show Up
Me: * Hits a drive so far right it ends up on the wrong fairway * - "Motherfucker!"
Random Golfer: "Hey you found the fairway! Haha! "
My Thoughts: "Did I say you could talk? What is it about me struggling with my driver that makes you think I want to hear words from your weirdly small mouth. It's 85 degrees outside and you're wearing pants. You're not a professional fucking golfer. I saw you drop that ball in the trees last hole. Get some friends you loser."
Me: "Haha yeah."
Bartender Who Clearly Sees You Waiting To Be Served But Serves Someone Else Who Got Up To The Bar After You First
My Thoughts: Ok bitch, two can play at this game. No, no, no take your time, take your time. I can wait all day long. Yep that's right, serve here first. She just walked up. I've been standing here 10 minutes. We'll see who gets the last laugh. Oh wow ok, you're going to serve another person. Clearly it's personal at this point. This bartender obviously doesn't like the cut of my jib and wants to teach me a lesson.
Bartender: * Finally serves me *
Me: "Thank you" - * signs check and leaves a $20 tip on a $10 drink, thus winning the exchange by showing her how rich and unbothered I am since I'm still willing to tip her 200%, despite her blatantly ignoring me for well over 10 minutes *
Bartender Thoughts: What the hell. I hated the way that guy looked, but if he's tipping me 200%… damn. Is he rich or something? Is he just that much of a bigger man that despite my terrible bartending behavior he's still willing to give me all this money. Wow. It's time for me to reevaluate some things about the way I treat my customers.
(This scenario doesn't even fit the premise of this blog, but I've been spite tipping for years and everyone tells me how dumb it is. I've probably already wrote about this. My friends tell me I'm only enabling bad service. But I don't think that's necessarily true. I stand by spite tipping as a concept. I think it can teach waiters/bartenders a lesson)
Woman Who Asked Me Not To Vape In My Seat At A Cubs Game in 2019
Woman: "Excuse me, would you mind not doing that? I have asthma."
My Thoughts: "First of all, we are outdoors. If I can't vape outdoors, then where the fuck can I. Secondly, nobody in the history of the world has been allergic, or has had a negative reaction to secondary vape smoke. It's literally water vapor. Thirdly, the molly I took before the game is starting to kick in, and if I don't hit my vape every 20 seconds I will very likely die. It's a beautiful day outside, I just want to roll my face off and enjoy a regular season baseball game. How about you mind your own fucking business. Go Cubs."
Me: "Oh my god I'm so sorry, what was I thinking. My apologies. Go Cubs!"
The Bouncer Who Asked Me Not To Vape On The Outdoor Patio Of A Wrigleyville Bar After A Cubs Game in 2019
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Bouncer: Excuse me! Sir!. No vaping out here!
My Thoughts: "Fucking ok Chicago. How about you spend less time telling me not to vape and more time not murdering each other."
Me: "Ok, sorry boss"