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The Search For The Gayest Beer In America Has Been Completed And The Results Are In

On social media, in churches, in public bathrooms, at the checkout counter at both Ross and TJMaxx, and at the diesel pumps (the green or yellow ones with different-sized spouts), people are weeping about beer cans. The United States of America is in real turmoil about the gayest beer in the country and it's hard to blame them. These are the issues that truly matter. 

Imagine being out with the fellas crushing some cold ones and you see a rainbow flag on the bottle. Unless you are a big ole gay ball, pour it out! Imagine going to the gas station and seeing your manly beer covered in rainbows. BOOOOO! Imagine having to study an organizational chart so that you can verify that the beer you want to drink isn't tied to another drink that you dont want to drink but you aren't sure if you should drink it because if you do, the fellas will ridicule you as if you paid for Twitter if said drink indeed turns out to be gay-beer adjacent. God damn. That would be awful! Imagine imagining the colors of beer cans and knowing that those cans are ruining the country and no one is doing anything about it! UGH. Pour em out! Pour em out! Or shoot em I guess. 

Folks, I haven't seen this much hullabaloo about cans or cups since Starbucks declared nuclear war on Christmas with red cups or maybe it was green. Wait. I think it said happy holidays. I don't remember. I was too busy shopping online for a non-Carhartt jacket to get the details straight but it was so insulting that I boycotted not only Starbucks but coffee in general, minus the delicious flavor Stella Blue. Buddy, if you think I am quitting that over a boycott I care deeply about today, you are mistaken. It's the only thing that helps me get over my beloved Disney being ripped from my super straight fingers. 

So, in order to help, I posed a question to my friends on Twitter. Really, they are our friends and it's not about these friends specifically. It's the friends we made along the boycott way. 

Let's see the results. Will they be gay enough? If I know this country in its current condition, you're damn right it will be gay enough. Strap one on, fellas (not talkin dildos). It's about to get super gay up in here. 

1. Unicorn beer? That's pretty gay.

2. Not that gay. Brunch is gay but this can is pretty cool, I guess. It's a little gay but the gayest in America? No way.

3. Decently gay but the grey-wash photo makes it less gay but noticing it's grey wash makes it a little gayer. This one is tough. I'll say it's regular gay. 

4. Not gay. This one gets me horned up. I love blackberries. You know what they say, the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Wait. That might be gay. It's gay. Gay beer. 


6. Trying too hard to be gay? That's not for me to decide but I've decided it's gay. 

7. Going to fight monsters with only an ax? Not gay but probably has some internal demons that he's fighting with so in order to cope, he carries an ax to fight the monsters. Closeted gay. Hate to see it. 

8. Gay but obviously geared to lesbians. Obviously gay though. 

9. Goes without saying

10. It's gay enough for a pool party but is it an all day gay beer? Looks a little heavy to me but there could be a market for bears. 7.8 gay. 

Now, Im not sure what the answer is but I do know that there is plenty of gay beer to go around. You could drink a gay beer every day for a month and could still get gayer. 

PS. The ladies doth protest too much. Grow up, nerds. 

Only comment if you're gay but are trying to prove you aren't. Let that pain out.