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The Worst Part Of Spring Is Here: Birds Banging And Crapping All Over Everything

Frank Wagner. Getty Images.

Every day I see more and more people becoming weather red pilled. We were lied to for our entire childhood. Spring is a farce. A complete and utter waste of months that feel like they drag on forever while we wait for summer fun. It's the worst season and it's not even particularly close. Sure, in winter you might lose a toe to frost bite because it took so long to scrape the ice off your windshield with a credit card but at least you know what to expect.

Spring is a merchant of lies. It promises warmth but delivers nothing but rain and 40 degrees. Spring is the ever-disappointing middle child of the seasons family. He got his entire six years of college paid for by grandma and grandpa and all he has to show for it is two DUIs, a coke habit, and a sports management degree.

But perhaps the worst part of spring is how the hoards of aerial disease terrorists (or "birds" if you prefer to use their government name) return like a pestilence upon our land. Just fornicating on top of anything and everything and desecrating all over our property. Birds are the most vile animals on the planet.

Look at these two. Just banging out in the open on my power line like a couple of vagrant hippies. God damn you. 

The gift of flight has made birds arrogant to the point they no longer fear us. I'd venture to say they look down on us both literally and figuratively. If I were to go down the street, climb on my neighbors roof, and start banging someone then I would be locked up in the psych ward and forced to register with the city. But when birds do it it's a sign of fertility and new life. I call bullshit.

And that dude wasn't even putting in work. Thats a thicc ass hen up there shaking her tail feather and this chump won't stay on and ride it for more than three seconds. I know a dude trying not to bust when I see one. That cock has no cock game whatsoever. 

But what comes next after he prematurely ejaculates all over my siding? Those fuckers are going to build a nasty ass nest, that's what. Dragging sticks and debris into my gutters causing inevitable water damage from the torrential spring rains. These birds are agents of chaos. I don't care if their pterodactyl looking ass kids need a home. Those bastards are nightmare fuel and I want them off my property.

"But it's the miracle of life, Will!" 

No. The only miracle here is that I don't end up having a mental breakdown with those annoying little shits chirping outside my window every morning at 6am. For the love of god will your deadbeat mother puke in your mouth already so you can grow old and she can kick your punk ass out of the nest? I need my beauty sleep.

Once the babies leave the nightmare is over, right? Wrong. That's when the shit starts raining from the sky.

Every day in the latter half of spring I walk outside to see my car defiled by thick white globules of whatever these assholes ate last night. And you know damn well they are aiming for the cars. This is a game to them. Our cars are just the boats in their never ending game of aerial battleshits.

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

Damn you. You sunk my Nissan Altima for the third time this week.

I know some people will read this blog and say I'm being too harsh on birds. That they are actual some vital part of our ecosystem and without them life would be thrown off kilter and somehow global warming would speed up. And to that I say good. Let the ice caps melt then. You gotta crack a few eggs go make an omelet. 

And I can't believe people own these things as pets. You bird people disgust me. My old neighbor had a parrot that would scream out the window all summer long. It sounded like he was in there abusing a cat. But no it was just that evil beaked bitch trying to ruin my peaceful afternoon with his screams and screeches.

I don't know what the solution here is other than opening up a nationwide bird hunting season. Allow everyone to carry crossbows and let's put a stop to the exploding bird population. That would be awesome.

I wish I believed in the whole "Birds Aren't Real" movement because I think I'd be way more content having government drones spying on my actions 24 hours a day instead of actual birds banging on my power lines. 

"From 1959 to 2001, the government mercilessly genocided over 12 Million birds and simultaneously replaced with surveillance drones in disguise."

Whether or not this kid is joking doesn't change the fact that he did way too many mushrooms in high school. But magic mushrooms or not, he's on to something.

We need to destroy the entire bird population. We are supposed to be the top of the food chain and these fuckers are just flying around above us shitting on us (both literally and figuratively, again). It's time for bird genocide. The only industry that stands to lose in this situation is Big Car Wash™️. And if they try to stand in the way they'll have to pry the next $11 for a Deluxe wash from my cold, dead bird shit covered hands.