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Ben Mintz Sweats Pure Margarine

I saw this video that Ben Mintz posted last night, and I'd like us to think about it together. I like Ben Mintz a great deal and I am concerned for him, and for us, from a scientific and medical perspective. Concerned and curious. Because that is not human sweat coming out of his face. That is some different liquid altogether—one that no human should secrete through exercise. 

What is it? What is this fluid dancing in small globules at the ends of his bangs? Note the small, creamy droplets that threaten to shake off into his eyes, permanently blinding the man and forcing him to run his upcoming 5k guided only by the echolocating shouts of track officials. You can see how aware he is of this danger, as he squints protectively each time the spider precum threatens to dislodge from his hair. 

Add to this the mystery of his completely dry shirt. Apparently, 100% of Mintz's pores reside above his neck. God works in mysterious ways. 

I consulted with a doctor out of concern and he guessed that either Ben had covered his face with some fire-retardant gel, like stuntmen preparing to engulf themselves in flame for a trench warfare scene. Or he dove face-first into an overly-saturated bucket of movie theater popcorn before the butter had settled to the bottom. Take a breath, Mintzy. Hogs for a pause. 

Beginning with his trademark, single-sex address—"what's up fellas"—Mintz lets all the ladies know to turn the channel immediately. Not for you, bitches. This is my treehouse and chicks can fuck off. But in a mere 72-second video, Ben Mintz:

1) Calls the day a top 5 day, before revising to a top 10 day. 

2) Pretends not to really know the total distance he ran before settling on a very precise 2.6 miles.

3) Provides a breakdown of his dinner, as well as a full list of glistening amenities featured at our Penn property in Lake Charles. 

4) Plugs the charity and promises to improve his pace. 

"You can probably see it on my face, I'm pretty beat up." 

Beat up by a badger bukkake? What species didn't cum on his face during that jog? Someone needs to check in on this fella. He's too important to ooze. 

Good luck Mintzy. You are a treasure. 

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