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Gwyneth Paltrow's Ski Trial Ended in the Most Gwyneth Paltrow Ski Trial Way Imaginable

Rick Bowmer. Shutterstock Images.

Right or wrong, guilty or innocent, plaintiff or defendant, you're not going to bring together one of Hollywood's most, let's call her, quirky, celebrities and a medical professional in a lawsuit to decide who's at fault for a collision at an exclusive ski resort and have it just turn out to be your garden variety court case:

Odd testimony. Motion hearings about whether or not the defendant would be permitted to bring "treats" for the court staff. Cross allegations including Gwyneth Paltrow claiming she felt like the optometrist who sued her was sexually assaulting her while their bodies were getting untangled. His claim he could no longer go to his beloved wine tastings. Some of the most bizarre fan-girling ever witnessed in the history of American jurisprudence:

Expert testimony, including from a "Snow Science" expert (which I thought I was after living in Massachusetts my entire life) who apparently won over the jury with his art work:

We even got the plaintiff making his case by arguing that if the jury let her get away with slamming into him on a ski slope (costing him his ability to enjoy the subtle juniper notes of a fine Pinot Grigio), she'll become a repeat offender. And maybe become Jeffrey Epstein?

And so, it was only natural that it ended the way it began and was conducted throughout. Fucking weirdly:

Source - A verdict has been reached in the Gwyneth Paltrow ski crash trial today in Park City, Utah, and the actor has been cleared of any wrongdoing. Paltrow was awarded the $1 requested in her countersuit.

The bizarre televised trial captivated social media for the past two weeks. Terry Sanderson, a 76-year-old retired optometrist, sued Paltrow for $300,000, alleging that in 2016 the actor skied into him at the Deer Valley ski resort, leaving him with a concussion, four broken ribs and a brain injury. Paltrow then countersued for $1 and attorney’s fees. Sanderson originally sued for $3.1 million before a judge ruled against him seeking punitive damages.   

I'm happy to report that I've never been sued. (Yet.) And only been in court as a witness and a snack treat-deprived court employee. But I think if a guy ever came at me, cost me all that time, billable hours, damage to my reputation, and tried to convince a jury of my peers I was a threat to build a Pedo Island, I'd be hard pressed to wish him well. Or anything, other that he die horribly and burn in hell of eternity. But I guess that's a testimony to Paltrow's character. Or the calming benefit of all her GOOP products:

Giphy Images.

Then again, it could just be her demonstrating the basest instincts of all of us who don't have a line of candles whose aroma is supposed to invoke the sense-memory of smelling our personal bathing suit areas. That she simply beat the wrap, and that "I wish you well" was her way of talking smack. A Hollywood icon's courtroom victory version of "Have a nice life," when you mean the opposite. Regardless though, at least the whole thing wasn't a waste of time. She got the same award from the jury the USFL did when it beat the NFL in court. and what Randolph Duke got from Mortimer for destroying a man's life:

Most important of all, when odd duck celebrities get dragged to court and have to testify to under oath without any scriptwriters telling them what to say, we're all winners. I can't wait for the next one of these.