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The Newest Unfounded Internet Rumor Has Tom Brady Dating ... Reese Witherspoon?

While Gisele is reportedly dating a billionaire, the other half of the World's Most High Profile Divorcees has remained quiet on the romantic front. Tom Brady is happy to just hang out on social media, appealing to that part inside every adult male that gives him feelings he himself does not understand while watching the Top Gun beach sequences. And leave us to speculate as to whether he'll just be content to live out his days in the sun, embracing the Single Life with celibacy while throwing digs and slants to his handsomest former targets. 

That is until now, if there's any truth to the rumors:

Source - In the wake of Reese Witherspoon‘s surprise divorce announcement last week, we’ve been hearing some different possibilities of how that came to be. She and Jim Toth seemed like such a stable couple for 12 years. ...Then suddenly it was all over.

We’ve heard there may have been something of a “midlife crisis” going on with Jim, and he was no longer seeming like the man the Sweet Home Alabama star married — what with the new tattoos and “chunky weird jewelry.”

So… what if she found herself another classic all-American hunk? THE classic all-American hunk, in fact! Yeah… we’re talking about America’s quarterback Tom Brady! 

That’s the latest hot rumor burning up the mill! An anonymous tipster sent DeuxMoi the goods Tuesday afternoon, writing a blind item:

We mean, both A-listers? Who else could this even mean?? This may be the most transparent blind item we’ve ever seen!

OK, so we currently know NOTHING about these two as a couple. But it’s not hard to imagine these two being into one another. Reese Witherspoon is a big football fan, having voiced her support for the Tennessee Titans in the past. One could imagine Brady is the type of guy the Oscar winner would actually be starstruck around! And for Tom, we mean… she’s REESE FREAKIN’ WITHERSPOON! Boom.

I certainly can't speak to the reliability of information coming from Deus Moi World. Whether or not Perez Hilton is repeating their rumor into his massive gossip megaphone. And just to be totally candid, Reese Witherspoon is one of those actresses I'm aware exists. But since she's never appeared in a superhero movie, a Chris Nolan film, a stupid buddy comedy, a war epic, the John Wick franchise or a movie about an apex predator eating a brick of cocaine and going on a rampage, I've probably never seen any of her work. I just know she always seems to be in those Chick Flicks where the pretty blonde gets underestimated by everyone until she gives them their comeuppance with a brilliant speech or something. 

Where I do bar trivia, they'll do this "Six Degrees of Separation" category where they name an actor and an actress, and you have to connect them with people they've each co-starred with, in the fewest names possible. I'm pretty sure Reese Witherspoon was included one time, and the guys on my team and I looked at the women and said, "OK, help us out here. I know she was in that Johnny Cash one with Joaquin Phoenix …" And they proceeded to name her entire filmography.

Actually now that I'm thinking of it, in 2023, "Name Reese Witherspoon's filmography" is probably as good an indication of your gender than body parts or pronouns. (Re-read that sentence and note that there's no malice in there. Relax and save yourself the time it would take to write an email. No one was harmed in the making of this blog.) She's as big an icon to American womanhood as Brady is to American manhood. So maybe in that respect, they're perfect for each other. The way rival nations used to wed their princes and princesses, maybe this union will bright us all together. 

But still. As someone who is way more invested in Brady's private life than I have any right or reason to be, I'm not feeling it. This could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him. It's rare that anyone of his caliber goes back on the market with so much to offer. He's still in his prime. Looks better than he did back when he was running through the likes of Tara Reid back when she was still at her peak, Brigit Moynahan and Gisele. This should be like Shaq signing with the Lakers or Greg Maddux going to Atlanta coming off a Cy Young for the Cubs. He should be breaking the Celebrity Dating Bank. 

Though to be fair, I suppose to half the population of the country, that's exactly what he'd be doing with Witherspoon. But as a fan of other genres of films, I'm just not feeling it. I'd rather see him pluck some Instagram model half his age out of obscurity, the way Apollo Creed did to Rocky. I'd prefer him swim in DiCaprio's waters for a while and see if it suits him. Not some Oscar winner who is actually a couple of years older than him and entering the Animated Voice Actress phase of her career. 

But that's just me. And if they are, in fact, a thing? I'll be envious and living vicariously. Through Reese Witherspoon. 

Giphy Images.