Here's The Perfect Solution To Stop Aggressively Soft NBA Players From Having To Kick Fans Out Of Games For Hurting Their Poor Little Feelings
Kyrie Irving is a little baby back bitch. I think we can all agree on that. Out of everybody in the world who thinks that they're the main character of life, Kyrie Irving does the most out of all of them. People used to get excited every night to see what kind of ridiculous play Kyrie would make on the court. But the worms have consumed his brain so thoroughly at this point that people just tune in every night to see what idiotic temper tantrum he'll throw next.
But here's where I'll give Charmin Ultra Soft dorks like Kyrie and Russell Westbrook some slack. Out of every professional sport, basketball certainly has the most fans directly up in your shit. I mean you have multiple rows of chairs directly on the court. You can have a fan sitting directly next to a player or coach. You don't get that in other sports. There's a barrier--either an obstruction or just some space--between athlete and fan. So if these ridiculously soft basketball players don't want to get their precious feelings hurt by mean words anymore, here is how we can fix basketball for good.
It all starts with putting some boards up around the playing surface. Right away, that presents itself as the barrier between athlete and fan. Maybe put a little pane of glass above each board and that'll cut off any direct fan-to-player interaction entirely. Now I wish it were as simple as just putting some boards and glass up around the playing surface to solve all of the NBA's issue. But that solution creates its own problem. There would no longer be any out-of-bounds, and having these boards surrounding the court could end up making the game a little more physical and dangerous. So to protect the players, perhaps they should start wearing some pads.
Now with all that padding on, it might slow the players down a bit. And one of the major selling points of the NBA is how fast-paced and action-packed it is. We certainly wouldn't want to slow the game down just because a few dickless cowards are getting their feelings hurt by fans. So what if we found a way to bring speed back into the game? Just hear me out here--what if we flooded the court with water, froze it into ice, and then strapped some blades to the bottom of the players' shoes so they could glide across the ice at incredible speed.
The only issue with that would be the dangers of having players jump up to the rim while they have razor sharp blades attached to their feet. So what if we moved the basket down to the playing surface? It would have to be a little larger, of course. But to compensate for the fact that the net is no longer 10 feet in the air, maybe each team could put an extra player out there whose only job is to tend the goal.
Obviously if someone is standing in front of the goal and his job is to stop the ball from entering the net, we might need to make the ball a little smaller. Perhaps condense it down into a little circular disc made out of rubber. And instead of just shooting it with your hands, players would be able to fling the puck towards the goal with a stick to get some extra velocity on it.
The more I think about it, the more I think the only way to save basketball from being the softest sport on the planet is to just make it hockey. Because if you have an issue with a Philly at a hockey game, you don't go crying to the ref about it to get them kicked out of the game. You fight that Philly fan like a man.
Kyrie Irving could learn a thing or two from Tie Domi.