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Some Science Nerds Were Able To Create A Woolly Mammoth Meatball, And Here's How To Perfectly Cook It

The Guardian -- A mammoth meatball has been created by a cultivated meat company, resurrecting the flesh of the long-extinct animals.

The project aims to demonstrate the potential of meat grown from cells, without the slaughter of animals, and to highlight the link between large-scale livestock production and the destruction of wildlife and the climate crisis.

There are scores of companies working on replacements for conventional meat, such as chicken, pork and beef. But Vow is aiming to mix and match cells from unconventional species to create new kinds of meat.

Listen. I'm not crazy about the idea of lab grown "meat" alternatives. But literally the worst thing in the world is factory farming. You have to be the biggest piece of shit to be in that industry. It's a brutal way to treat animals, it fucks the environment, and at the end of the day the result is just a really shitty product. Give me some ethically and humanely sourced meat over anything they're pumping out at a factory. It may cost a little more and there may not be nearly as much, but you're getting a significantly better product that tastes great and you can feel better about consuming. 

But obviously something has to change, and maybe that change is lab-grown woolly mammoth meatballs. That sounds way cooler to me than any plant-based bullshit companies have been peddling out over the years. Don't give me a hamburger made out of soybeans and whole bunch of shit I can't even pronounce like methylcellulose. Give me the meat of an animal that has been extinct for 10,000 years. 

Now I'll be honest. Recreating a meatball out of woolly mammoth DNA seems like just the first step towards putting ourselves in a real-life Jurassic Park type of situation. We are seeing life imitate art way too often right now. We're basically already living in the Terminator/The Matrix with how fast AI is developing. It's only a matter of time before somebody realizes if we can make a meatball out of mammoth DNA, that we can probably put a methodical tyrannosaurus rex in Times Square. But that's neither here nor there. 

Because the fact of the matter is that I absolutely NEED to cook some woolly mammoth meat. And here's exactly how I'd do it. 

When you think of the woolly mammoth, you have to imagine those suckers were walking thousands upon thousands of miles in their lifetime. I'm sure you could find plenty of lean cuts of beef in there somewhere, but most cuts off a mammoth carcass would be pretty tough. You also have to imagine they had a bunch of fat to help keep them warm. So if I'm working with a woolly mammoth, my main mode of cooking is going to be low and slow. I'm throwing that bitch on the smoker and probably going to cook it pretty similar to how I'd cook a brisket. Trim some of the fat down, season with mostly salt and pepper, and just let it hang out in the smoker for 12-15 hours.

But if I'm having woolly mammoth for dinner, I want it to be as succulent as possible. I want that bite to be one of the most delectable bites of food I've ever had the privilege of putting in my mouth. So once the internal temp of the woolly hits somewhere in the range of 170-175°, I'm going to submerge it in a pool of rendered down beef fat. Let it confit in that beef fat until somewhere around 203-205°, pull it off the smoker, give it a good long rest, and then cum in my pants as that first bite just instantly melts in my mouth. 

So if anybody knows a way to get their hands on some woolly mammoth meat, I'd very much appreciate a hookup. Pair it with a nice Malbec? Goodness gracious.