The Annual NFL Head Coach's Picture Has Dropped, Lets Break It Down
The day has come, when a bunch of middle aged football Coaches stare directly into the sun and pose for an awkward photo that none of them want to be a part of and I dust off the old computer and see if these blogging fingers still work. Also known as the day every year I text Nate/Hubbs and ask them how to log in to barstoolsports.com. On that note I would like to mention that I dream of someday returning back to my blogging roots. Like a caveman turning back into a tadpole, quitting everything else I do and just blogging smut and shitty jokes for 12 hours a day, punctuation optional and often times frowned upon. Feits and I were actually reminiscing about the old days last week and he had the genius idea of making one day a year old school blog day where everyone from a decade plus ago doesn't do anything but blog for an entire day. Make it a mini holiday. Chances of that happening? They were zero but now that Ive said it out loud its slightly less than zero because I'll probably get triggered online when people keep asking for it. I'm a simple man. I like gambling on sports, hanging out with my kids, and interacting with people online (some call this triggered). I also like today, NFL Head Coach Picture Day. So enough of this preamble, lets get into it.
The "We Have 8 Super Bowl Rings Combined And Everyone Knows We're The Alpha In The Room So We Can Wear Shorts To Any Function And No One Will Say Shit To Us" Award - Bill Belichick & Andy Reid
Bam. Front and Center. Legs for days on these boys. You think they care about dressing up? About "looking nice" for a group of Coach's that can't hold their jockstraps? Fuck no. These guys are the Kings and everyone else is just doing their best to get on top of the mountain.
Few notes here, even though Andy Reid is the current Super Bowl trophy owner, he still can be human like us. And by that I mean be stuck in a picture where he doesn't know what to do with his arms/hands.
Any bigger (fatter) man knows that the arms forward is a no go, it pops the breasts and belly and leads to the worst possible angle. Our natural inclination in any situation whether it be sitting on a crowded couch, the back of an uber or a movie theater, is to throw those arms behind the person sitting next to you. Dominance, power, and a flattening out of the chest area so people don't ask if you have D Cups. Andy got squeezed and ended up looking like a 5 year old on picture day. Thank God he had the foresight to wear the Hawaiian shirt though, a good pattern on a Hawaiian can distract anyone's eyes away from what's underneath. It's a cheat code for fat guys. Like walking around with a Magic Eye poster on your torso.
The other note from the two Kings is Belichick's textbook loop swoop and pull bunny ears.
The man learned how to tie his shoes when he was 4 years old and has been running the same play since that day. The Green Bay power sweep, if it's not broke don't fix it. Fashion is for losers.
The "I Just Won Coach Of The Year And I Live In Jersey And Am Slowing Morphing My Body And Look Into A Literal Meatball" Award - Brian Daboll
Now this is how you show up to picture day. Shades, double collars, and an air of "If Sopranos ever comes back I'm ready for a cameo" look. Brian Daboll is so Italian now if you see him from afar you probably would think the NFL is progressive and hired their first deaf head coach. Hand talking for days. Bonus points for Daboll because that head is COOKING. He's probably been in the sun for no more than 5 minutes. But I respect that. Football guys raw dog the sun. He knows that if he applied any sunscreen and another coach told him that he didn't rub it all the way in, his coaching career would be over. You could fry an egg on that head, just as God intended.
The "I'm Back And I'm Here To Hang Dong On This League" Award - Sean Payton
Pipe City, population Sean. He spent a year out of league, watching, waiting, going on Cowherd so that Colin thought he had the inside scoop on something. But now he's back and here to remind everyone that he has a ring. At first glance of the picture I thought it was weird that Ron Rivera was sitting in 2 seats.
Alpha Move right? Wrong. He's in two seats because Big Dick Sean needed extra room for his piece.
That's Alpha City right there. Basically sat down and told him to skooch over a little, which is essentially an act of war in a group of guys sitting uncomfortably close. Sean Payton is BACK
The "If I Don't Show Up No One Can Remind Me That I Cried Before I Lost The Super Bowl" Award - Nick Sirianni
There is no such thing as a coincidence in the NFL Coach Picture. Nick Sirianni was probably in his hotel room moments before this picture pointing at the mirror saying "You're a good coach, don't let them make fun of you for crying, you went to the Super Bowl! You're a good coach". And then immediately broke down in tears and climbed under his bed to text Frank Reich and tell him he has a stomach bug.
The "I Can't Hold In This Fart Much Longer Just Take The Damn Picture" Award - Mike McCarthy
You're looking at a guy who's body is composed primarily of Fart. He's got Fart coming out of his throat. If you gave him a massage and got at that neck it would start leaking fart everywhere. Like a sausage on the grill needing a fork to poke him and let out that gas. And the worst part is Mike looks nice! Nice suit, nice pants, nice shoes. It just so happens that instead of putting his clothes on his body this morning he put them on a gigantic fart that has been brewing for days. You know that once this picture was taken he did what any Dad does and walked away towards the bushes pretending to look at something while he leaked gas like the Exxon Valdez. Maybe threw in a "anyone hear a duck?" comment if people heard some noises. Just let this man fart for Christ Sakes.
The "All I'm Thinking About Right Now Is Shots, Explosives, Pew Pew Pew" Award - Jonathan Gannon
Jonathan Gannon may go on to win 10 Super Bowls but all I'll ever think about is "Shots, Explosives". And if you look deep into his eyes here that's all he's thinking about as well. It's like a cartoon when a character gets concussed and sees tweety birds, only Jonathan Gannon is always concussed and the only thought bubble in his brain is Rondale Moore pew pew pew'ing all over the field.
The "I'm Uncomfortable Any Time I See The Sun And I Also Wear Jeans To The Beach" Award - Arthur Smith
Now full disclosure Arthur Smith is a friend, so as a friend he needs a friend to tell him what the fuck man? Has he ever been in the sun? I literally scanned the picture 5 times over before I noticed Casper the Ghost in the back row. He looks like he's in physical pain from a little Vitamin D. This is the picture of a man in the early stage of a vicious migraine all because he had to go outside for 10 minutes. Brutal showing for Arthur. Chin looks great though in those shadows. Some are even saying Chiseled.
The "Dad That Just Discovered Crossfit And Is Here To Tell You About Kipping Pull Ups" - Matt Eberflus
So yeah, they're like regular pull ups but you use your body weight to swing so you can do more of them. Next weekend I'm doing Murph, you should come with, we'll probably grab some beers after. It's really cool, I've become good friends with everyone in my class, they're actually my best friends now because my old friends don't really box jump.
Coach Eberflus has those pecks popping. Stick around long enough and he'll be teaching you how to properly snatch.
The "Guy Who Gained Some Weight So Had To Size Up His Dress Shirt And Feels Uncomfortable About It Because He's Still Rocking A White Undershirt" Award - Josh McDaniels
Nothing worse than buying a new shirt thinking it will fix the 20-25 pounds you've recently added because you've been eating your feelings after you had to trade your star Tight End because he hates your guts for revealing his secret wedding. The white undershirt is a dead give away. You're basically telling the world that your solution to weight gain is more layers and please don't bring it up because I'm uncomfortable enough in any article of clothing that isn't a hooded sweatshirt
The "One Friend You Go Out To The Bar With And After About 2 Hours Of Drinking You Ask Each Other "Should We Just Text Your Guy?" And Then You Spend The Next 24 Hours Awake" Award - Mike McDaniel
Mike McDaniel showing up to the coaches meeting dressed like he's headed to a Hampton's White Party. Seems like a great guy to hang out with, and by hang out with I mean listen to Doses and Mimosas together as the sun comes up and you've stumbled upon a billion dollar idea that you're totally going to start working on tomorrow.
The "Guy Who Is Hoping This Is The Year He Finally Gets A Raise At His Accounting Firm And Makes VP So That His Wife Can Quit Her Job And Open A Yoga Studio In Town Because He's Not Fully Sure But She May Be Cheating On Him With The Yoga Instructor In The City" Award - Shane Steichen
I love when we get a newcomer in the group. Shane Steichen looks like any guy you would see in Suburban America just trying to make enough money so his wife and kids will stop bothering him all the time. Except he's now a Head Football Coach in the NFL. Also yes I did have to look up who that was. Welcome to the party, Shane. Don't ignore the check engine light on your Subaru hatchback, that's an unintended bill you haven't budgeted for.
The "Proud Father At His Daughter's Graduation" Award - Mike Tomlin
Little sweat creeping in, the sunglasses that he should totally put on but when he does he can't really see so instead he hangs them on the shirt. The crazier and crazier Antonio Brown gets and the dumber things Big Ben says the more I love Mike Tomlin. He's a coach everyone should want to play for. Just giving off that proud (slightly disgruntled) dad energy.
The "New Sneakerhead Who Paid 4X Retail On StockX But Lies To Everyone And Says He Got Them On SNKRS App For Retail" Award - Kevin Stefanski
Oh these? Yeah I just won these the other day. Everyone says they catch L's on SNKRS but Ive won like 5 in a row, they only cost me like 700, I mean 150 dollars. Yeah I'm sort of a hypebeast like that. Catching dubs and landing grails on the reg.
The "We Can Still Drink Like We're In College Guys" Award - Dan Campbell, Kevin O'Connell, Robert Saleh
Campbell and Saleh are the guys you think you have to watch out for. Campbell because no one ever told him that wearing a button down untucked that goes to his knees is an insane look because no one wanted to tell him and get their ass kicked. And Saleh because the guy that aggressively rolls up his sleeves one roll too many is always ready for a game of quarters or a drunk wrestling match. But Kevin O'Connell shocked me. He's fucking tall! He's the guy that can pound beers and somehow never get drunk. Everyone knows that guy. They also usually double as the never hungover friend. They're just physical specimens that are built completely different than the rest of us. The guy who will go for a 10 mile run on a Saturday morning bachelor party as you swear to God you'll never drink again if the hangover will just stop for a second. These 3 guys would finish a Keg themselves only to offer to mockingly hold your hair as you puke your entire soul out of your body because you tried to keep up with them.
The "I Won My Super Bowl I Don't Give A Fuck Anymore" Award - Sean McVay
Just completely unbothered. Yeah the Rams mortgaged their entire franchise for that one Super Bowl but banners fly forever. Sean McVay is living that good Cali life. Spent an offseason threatening to retire so that the bar gets reset as low as possible with ownership only to probably find a way to win 10 games next year and make a run in the playoffs. That's confidence
The "Youth Church Group Leader That Kind Of Creeps You Out" Award - Brandon Staley
Lot of "buddies" and "pals" coming from Brandon Staley as his back pats slowly morph into rubs. Just figure out a way to make Justin Herbert awesome and stop telling me how everything is great and wonderful, Brandon.
The "Fathers Of The Bride And Groom That Are Technically Family Now, Only If Instead Of A Marriage They Bond Over Both Their Quarterbacks Demanding Trades" Award - Pete Carroll and John Harbaugh
Smile for the camera guys! The good news is you have something to bond over now. One watched their quarterback go through a messy divorce, the other is in the midst of one, but hey, lets give love a chance and remember that we're family here. Pete is also sneaky pissed that John only paid for the rehearsal dinner and he got stuck with the rest of the wedding.
The "If I Close My Left Eye Then I Can Pretend My Former Boss Sean Payton And His Big Cock Aren't Sitting A Few Seats Over" Award - Dennis Allen
Poor Dennis Allen. Only guy wearing his credential in the photo because he knows if he doesn't people will get confused and think Sean Payton is still coaching the Saints. He knows if he keeps that thing around his neck they technically can't kick him out, so like a freshman with a 20 señor frogs wristbands from spring break, he probably won't take it off for a month.
The "I'm Just Happy I Don't Have To Deal With Aaron Rodgers Anymore" Award - Matt LaFleur
I was going to go with a field goal on 4th and goal from the 8 yard line down 8 in the NFC Championship joke but I realized that Matt LaFleur and I need to come together in this joyous time period. The bad man is gone from both of our lives. Your new quarterback isn't a drug addict living in a cave. We can begin the healing process together.
The "Super Positive Dad With Impeccable Fashion Sense Cheering On His Kids At Their Youth Soccer Game" - Zac Taylor
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The "Too Scared To Be In The Picture Because He Knows I Would Roast Him" Award - Mike Vrabel
I typed "Mike Vrabel Weak" into google images and this was one of the first pictures to pop up so I'm just going to stop talking now.
Finally, Last but certainly not least
The "Retired To Florida Guy Who Starts Drinking At Noon Every Day And Spends His Time Either Playing Golf Or Fishing For Marlin" Award - Doug Pederson
Maybe its the hair or the festive polo but Dougy P gives off the vibe of a guy that will make you a cocktail in his backyard Tiki Bar no matter what time of day it is. He struck rich when his tiny life insurance company got bought by a big dog and said fuck it, I'm going to Florida and enjoying the fuck out of the rest of my life while possibly becoming a swinger. Everyone should aspire to be like Dougy P
See ya next year.