Dumping Them Out: Barstool New York
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I've been thinking a lot about the future of Barstool Sports lately. More specifically, "Will Barstool Sports continue employing me in the future?" Knowing Barstool, I feel like there's an equal chance I just fly under the radar for years, they completely forget they're even paying me, and I continue collecting a modest pay check for the rest of my life. Or conversely, my contract runs out, the paychecks stop, and nobody notices I'm gone. It's one or the other.
As everyone knows, a significant portion of Barstool Sports is moving from New York City to a brand new office in the slightly less booming metropolis of Chicago, Illinois. As I understand, the Chicago office will be outfit with multiple state of the art studios, a basketball court, food court, full gym + sauna, multiple swimming pools, indoor skate park, foam pit, chocolate river, small chubby orange men who make delicious candy all day long, a gambling cave, etc.
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It will be up to people like KFC & myself to keep the New York office going strong. It won't be easy to keep pace, but don't worry, Barstool New York, I have some fresh ideas that will not only keep us afloat, but will have Barstool Sports fans saying, "Big Cat who?", by this time next year.
First off, we're going to need to make some strategic new hires. I wish we had enough star power in New York that we wouldn't have to hire any new employees, but that's unrealistic. If we want to keep pace with Chicago, then we're going to need to bring in some reinforcements. I've heard we're already looking at hiring comedians. That's all well and good, but I'm afraid it's going to take more than funny. Based on my limited time at the blog, I've learned that there's one thing the Stoolies want more than anything: Scantily clad women.
My plan is to have 1 scantily clad women for every 2 bloggers. We can always up those numbers, but I think a 1:2 ratio is a responsible place to start. We'll monitor our views/clicks, and add woman as necessary. I'm not trying to immediately turn Barstool Sports into PornHub, but I don't think we should rule out that possibility entirely. I say we keep Barstool Porn in our back pocket. Like a last resort, "break in case of emergency" move. If after a few years, it turns out that we aren't that funny, a seamless transition to the porn industry might be exactly what we need.
Now there's a chance Penn National Gaming won't like this idea. That's fine. If we don't want to hire a fleet of porn stars, then we can get creative. Hiring crazy people has proven to be a successful business strategy for Barstool (Ben Mintz, Frank The Tank, etc.). So maybe we get some more crazy people in the mix
I've assembled a list crazy people who would make for great co-workers at Barstool Sports
Steven Seagal
Not only is Steven Seagal a full blow crazy person, but he can also fight off multiple trained black belts at once. I love our team of security guards, they do a great job. But how much are we paying them? 1 Steven Seagal could easily do the work of 6 former NYPD. I'm sure our security team would understand.
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Shoenice
Barstool has been flirting with Shoenice for years. He has 180k subscribers on YouTube, is an army veteran, and he'll eat whatever you tell him to. Like, literally anything you tell him to. He's a triple threat. The New York Yak with Shoenice & Co. has a nice ring to it.
Balloon Popping Asshole
The thing about the Balloon Popping Asshole is that when you first watch his videos, they're a little funny. But then the more you watch them, they become hilarious. They never get old. No matter how many fucking stupid dumb quirky ways he pops those damn balloons, the videos never get old.
Tyler O'Day
Idk if it's fair to call him crazy. I'm just disappointed I never got to work with him. I walked passed him on the way to the train once and said hello, but that's the only offline interaction we've had. Whatever the Empire State Building is paying him, triple it. We need an office songbird again. Not that Frank The Tanks songs aren't beautiful, but he's certainly not the second coming Frank Sinatra.
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Crocs Kid
If we get really desperate, I say we bring Crocs Kid back. Everyone hated that guy. But maybe ruining everyone's day by dumping gigantic bowls of cereal onto a crowded subway train is the future of content. I'm not going to link his video because I don't want to give him more attention than I already am. Everyone in the office would be furious if we brought Crocs kid back. What a day that would be.
Alright those ideas all seem sufficiently terrible. Another episode of Dumping Them Out is in the books. I'm off to eat lunch with some friends who are visiting the city. I love when my friends visit, but coming on a Sunday is a lot. I'm pretty sure they're planning on getting drunk all day. I can't do that. I don't have it in me. Everyone knows I don't indulge in substances.
