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The Judge in Gwyneth Paltrow's Ski Accident Trial Who Denied Her Request to Give Treats to the Bailiffs is a Monster and Needs to Be Removed from the Bench

Pool. Getty Images.

This young lady in the Jeffrey Dahmer glasses is, of course, Gwyneth Paltrow. In case you haven't been following it, she is in court as defendant in a lawsuit over an accident on a ski slope, where it's being alleged she pulled a hit and run on another skier. Or something. I guess I haven't been following it either.

That is, until now. Until it finally hit home for me:

Source - A judge has declined an offer from Gwyneth Paltrow's legal team to 'bring in treats' for courtroom security at her trial in Utah.

The actress and Goop CEO is being sued by retired optometrist Dr Terry Sanderson, 76 [who] claims she crashed into him on the slopes of Flagstaff Mountain at the Deer Valley Resort on February 26, 2016. 

Before proceedings started in the Park City court on Thursday, attorney Steve Owens asked the judge whether Paltrow's team could bring treats for the bailiffs to thank them for their service.

'Private security for my client wanted to bring in treats for the bailiffs for how helpful they've been,' Owens said. 'So, I wanted to do that transparently and see if there are any objections.'

Sanderson's attorneys then objected, arguing that the defence did not fill them in before raising the request to the judge.

'OK, there's an objection so thank you, but no thank you,' [Judge Kent Holmberg] ordered. 'If the parties decide to do that later, that's fine, too.'

It is unclear what treats her team would have offered.

Not to cause anyone physical or emotional harm, but more just so we know first hand what we're dealing with, here's the video of the ruling. WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT. NSFL. Please keep young children and other vulnerable persons away from your screen:

You bastard, Judge Holmberg. What is wrong with you?

Full disclosure, if I haven't mentioned it enough already, but I proudly served in the MA Trial Court for 17 years. Here, we're known as Court Officers, not bailiffs. And as often as not, I was called "a hero." But that was not for me to say; I left that to others. Still, it's the same job description with the same heavy responsibility to keep, as the expression goes, order in the court. 

And sure, I did my job with pride and dignity. They wanted me on that wall. They needed me on that wall. That was me doing the "All rise!" and the "Hear ye, hear ye." Taking the convicted into custody, and giving the acquitted their freedom back. Telling people they couldn't take their phones out in the courtroom, before going back to my desk and pulling my phone out. That was me the lawyers would ask during recess how I thought the trial was going, and I'd have to break it to them that I wasn't paying attention, because I was working on a Patriots blog. That was me the Chief assigned to a murder trial and gave me the responsibility of keeping the oldest Court Officer in the state (literally he came on the job when I was entering first grade) awake, because he had a tendency to nod off and start snoring in the middle of testimony (true story). That was me who, went I quit to go do sports radio and then come full time to Barstool, my Court Officer buddy called "Caesar," after the chimp from Planet of the Apes who learned to talk.

But this isn't about me. This is about that kid who just came on the job. That rookie at Park City court who still has a sparkle in his eye and a spring in his step and hope that he's making a difference. That young lad who still hasn't had his dreams crushed by the system. Dammit, he deserves a treat. He's out there every day, putting his neck on the line to protect and serve Pepper Potts, and she just wants to show some gratitude. To treat him like a human being, and not the monkey with a badge that I was always treated like. 

Not that any of us went into that line of work for the gratitude. And for sure, not for the glamor, for their was none. We just answered the call of duty. (And job security. Decent benefits. And quite a bit of time off, in addition to every federal and state holiday.) But when it came to getting treats, snacks, beverages or foodstuffs of any kind, we were always overlooked. The best you could hope for is the clerks or probation inviting you in to the break room after they'd picked over a deli platter or a cake. Basically the stuff they were about to throw out after they'd all finished grazing. I called us The Trash Barrel's On Deck Circle. 

Well the female lead of Shallow Hal tried to break that cycle. To extend a hand of friendship to make her public servants feel like they have some value. Sure, she was probably offering them some gluten-free, soy-based garbage she sells on Goop. Whatever. It's better than nothing. But this Judge Holmberg had to step in and remind them they're no better than I was. And for that he deserves to be removed from the bench or disbarred or voted out of office, or however they handle such things. (I guess I'm still not paying attention to how the courts work.) 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go help myself to a treat, like a free man. But to all my fellow court workers who still proudly wear the badge, I salute you. Stay vigilant. And for crying out loud, stay awake in there.