Profiling A Stranger from Twitter: Cheapie13 (Blog Wheel)

Welcome back to another episode of Blog Wheel. Once again, for no particular reason, I am profiling a complete stranger from Twitter. This particular stranger goes by the name of Cheapie13 (@Cheapie13). 

Profiling a stranger from Twitter is always a roll of the dice. Strangers are risky. There are a lot of bad strangers on the internet (i.e. Don't Fuck With Cats, To Catch A Predator, etc.). What if Cheapie13 is a murderer? People get away with murder every day. Only 51% of homicides in the United States are solved. That means there are thousands upon thousands of murderers walking free, and I'm sure a lot of them have Twitter accounts. Somewhere out there is a man who makes the most fire memes, but he also has his family tied up in his basement. That being said, it's extremely important to thoroughly vet your strangers before profiling them in a blog.

Looks like we're in the clear. Anyways, Cheapie13 is a small obese cartoon rabbit who has never murdered anyone. Despite being a fictional rabbit, Cheapie13 has managed to amass 4,633 followers on Twitter. According to the most readily available data, the average following on Twitter is 707 followers. So statistically speaking, Cheapie13 has a large Twitter following. 

Cheapie13 was kind enough to supply me with some facts about himself. They were awesome facts. I don't want to come across as unappreciative of the facts that he provided me. But I did take the liberty of adding a few made up facts of my own. It's up to you to identify which facts are real.

Fact #1: Is From Minnesota
Minnesota. The Land of 10,000 Lakes. The birthplace of hockey. Canada's clitoris. Home of Garrison Keillor. Minnesota has long been a part of the United States. Much like the rest of America, before Minnesota was part of the United States, it was an empty baron wasteland begging to be developed.

Fact #2: Played Lacrosse
According to a tweet from faceless stranger, @StoolieMemes, Cheapie13 scored the game winning goal to win the Minnesota State High School Lacrosse Championship in his senior year of high school. That's pretty cool. Most people would have peaked right then and there, and eventually succumbed to a sad life of drugs and alcohol. 

Fact #3: Loves the Vikings
The Minnesota Vikings are historically a losing football franchise. They are one of 12 teams to never win a Super Bowl.

Fact #4: Owns a Fleet of Blimps
The are a total of 25 blimps in the entire world, and Cheapie13 owns 7 of them. He stores his blimps in a 20 acre blimp hanger located outside of Hibbing, Minnesota. Cheapie13 is deeply in debt due to the cost of upkeep on his blimps (not to mention the price of helium). But he wouldn't trade his blimps for the world. The blimps have been in his family for generations. He looks forward to passing the tremendous burden down to his children some day. 

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Fact #5: Great Great Great Grandson of Abraham Lincoln
Cheapie13 is one of 9 Abraham Lincoln descendents across the United States. Every year on President's Day, Lincoln's descendants meet at the boarder of Kentucky & Tennessee for a friendly game of slow pitch softball against the family of Robert E. Lee. 

Fact #6: Outraced Tiger Woods 
On the morning of February 23, 2021, Cheapie13 ran into Tiger Woods at a gas station in Los Angeles. They argued over the last Krispy Kreme donut in the case. After a brief struggle, he was able to wrestle the donut out of Tiger Wood's hands. Tiger Woods chased him to his car.

Tiger: "I'M TIGER WOODS, GIVE ME THAT DONUT!"

Cheapie13: "COME AND GET IT GOLF BOY!"

Cheapie13 got into his sports car and sped off down the windy streets of Los Angeles. Tiger kept pace in his Genesis GV80 for a while, but a few miles down the road, Cheapie13 was able to lose him around a steep curve.

Fact #7: Has Been To Space
On July 8, 2011, Cheapie13 was one of 4 crew members on NASA's Atlantis, a shuttle that delivered thousands of pounds of supplies to the International Space Station, traveling over 5 million miles, and orbiting the earth over 200 times. This was Atlantis' 33rd and final mission.

Fact #8: Developed the COVID-19 Vaccine
Cheapie13, alongside Biochemist Dr. Kaitlin Kairiko, spearheaded a team of science libs to invent the modified mRNA technology that is used in Pfizer & Moderna's COVID-19 vaccine. 

Fact #9: Brought Back The Pyrenean Ibex from Extinction
In 2003, Cheapie13 turned back time. Using a tissue sample saved from the worlds last Pyrenean Ibex, he was able to transfer nuclei from the ibex skin cells into a domestic goat egg, and impregnate a goat that would later give birth to an baby ibex. The baby ibex lived for only 7 miserable seconds, but it still counts. It marked the first ever successful revival of an extinct species. 

Fact #10: Ate an Entire Airplane
In 2010, Cheapie13 purchased a decommissioned Boeing 737 from Malindo Air. His original plan was to paint the plane, and make a piece of art for his blimp hangar. But a few months into the project he got bored and wanted a new challenge. He decided to eat the airplane. Every day, he would chip off tiny pieces of the airplane and mix it in with his supper. For 12 straight years, every meal he ate contained small bits of airplane, until he had fully ingested the aircraft.  

Cheapie13's followers are known for 'tapping in". Tapping in is somewhat of a bat signal sent out on Twitter to let other's know that you are in for a night of binge drinking. Tapping in involves filling your glass with beer, dipping your penis in beer, and posting the photo to Twitter. 

Along with the murder inquisition, I asked Cheapie13 4 additional questions as well. Q & A's with Twitter strangers are a crapshoot in their own right. They're going to go one of two ways. They will either just answer the questions normally, or they're going to try and get some bits off. Let's see how Cheapie 13 handles these.

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How does being a small obese rabbit affect your ability to get top?
In a shocking surprise it makes it really easy. Turns out the ladies love big chungus.

I'm just now learning about Big Chungus. I didn't realize fat Bug Bunny had any cultural relevance beyond being in an episode of Looney Tunes where Bugs eats too many carrot pies off of Elmer Fudd's window sill (or something like that).

Duke Lacrosse?
Unfortunately my grades weren’t good enough to get in, but my wife’s boyfriend plays for Duke and whenever she goes there for the weekend she tells me it’s awesome

He passed the test. He could have made an inappropriate Duke Lacrosse joke there, but he refrained. I was going to have to cancel him if he did otherwise. Luckily, he was able to limit himself to a wife's boyfriend joke. 

If the USA got rid of Minnesota tomorrow would anything change?
Nothing would change. Minnesota isn’t bringing much to the table, but I still love it

Good answer. State pride is bullshit. 

If you could commit one felony and get away with it what would it be?
I would love to rob a bank then escape from a police chase. I’ve done it plenty of times in GTA 5 and it’s thrilling every time

Great answer. Really the only answer to this question is something that involves you getting away with a life-changing amount of money. Unless you really just want to know what it's like to kill a guy. We've already established that Cheapie13 is not a murderer. It appears he does not have a desire to murder either. But that could always change.