Am I Actually Will Compton's Dad? An Investigation.
I've traveled quite a bit in my day and had my fair share of flings while doing so. You always kind of wonder if you may have planted a seed somewhere along the way that you don't know about. Too many drinks, loose morals, not enough protection...that's how the miracle of life happens.
Maybe there is a little version of me floating around with an almond-eyed face and a "the world is my playground" attitude just like his pops. Have we ever looked at the moon at the same time essentially reuniting us in spirit and soul?
Well I may have gotten an answer.
Yesterday, Will "The Short Boy" Compton III (from his Wiki page, not my words) posted a picture of his dad on Twitter. At first glance I just thought it was a cool throwback family photo. The kind with ridiculous clothes and big hair your mom might bring out at a holiday gathering. The button up under the Gold's crew neck is a mean look.
What I did not know is that this photo would make me question every thing I have ever done in my life to this point. I know I have one son but could it be possible I have a second? Am I actually Father of 2™️?
The first response came in last night but I was in the middle of doing stand-up comedy and didn't pay it much mind. As a merchant of nonsense, I get tagged in all kinds of goofy shit that has no real world consequence or meaning. Spoils of war I suppose.
I have been taking a small mental health break from Twitter and decided not to see what fuckery BagelEggSammy just attached my name to. But it didn't stop there. I woke up to two more and decided I needed to take a look for myself.
Dear god. Is that me?! Am I…Will Compton's dad?
There is no denying the resemblance. The almond eyes, the facial hair, the nose, the ethnic ambiguity. But how could this be? Aren't Will and I pretty much the same age? Maybe this is one of those multiple simulation deals where I am his dad but a glitch in the matrix also made me…well…me.
Let's review the facts as we know them:
This absolutely supports the theory that I am Will Compton's dad. It's like we were separated at birth. Like a couple of vaguely asians brother who I am pretty sure are not asian at all. You cannot see his grill in this picture but if my teeth (pre-whitening, thanks Barstool Dental plan!) and Will's teeth (pre-vaneers, thank's $7.23 Million in career NFL earnings!) are any indication we are of the same bloodline.
We cannot ignore the fact that Will's dad has a son named Will and I also have a son named Will. Is that purely coincidence? According to OhBabyNames.com I don't think that's the case. After being the 27th most common name back in 1880, it has fallen way down the list. Sure 740th would be good enough to keep you in the NFL but not as a starter.
That's not a shot at anyone or their career, it's just math.
Also, Will Compton is the third in his named lineage. He uses the roman numeral III. My son is the fifth in his lineage and uses the roman numeral V. Is it just pure happenstance that both Will Compton's dad and I have an infatuation with carrying on a legacy? Possibly.
There is no denying that the button up under the Gold's Gym crewneck with snakeskin boots is a bold fashion choice. It reminds me of the time I wore a small denim hooded jacket that I took from some girl at the bar with oversized khaki shorts and some kind of shiny belt buckle.
They say fashion favors the bold and no one understands that more than me and Will's dad. Or should I say me, myself, and I.
Will all the facts laid out on the table it's time to send it to the experts. Let's see what Maury Povich has to say after seeing all the evidence in this paternity case…
This gives a whole new meaning to when Will calls himself "The Boy." Yes Will, you are the boy, my boy. Of my flesh and blood and I will love you as such. Just let your old pops wet his beak a little with that Bussin' money. That's all I ask.
I reached out to Will for comment but he has yet to respond. No need to reach back out on social media if you are not comfortable yet, Will. This is something we can hash out at Festivus during the airing of grievances.