Cue the Duckboats | Championship Collection for Banner 18SHOP HERE


The Only Thing Worse Than Getting Attacked By A Mountain Lion Is Getting Attacked By A Mountain Lion While In A Hot Tub

ANDRES PINA. Getty Images.

AP News- NATHROP, Colo. (AP) — Wildlife officials said Monday they are searching for a mountain lion that clawed a man’s head while he was sitting in a hot tub with his wife at a rental home in central Colorado.

The man was soaking in the in-ground hot tub in a wooded subdivision west of Nathrop on Saturday night when he felt something grab his head, according to Colorado Parks and Wildlife. He screamed at the mountain lion and started splashing water while his wife shined a flashlight at the animal.

Authorities said it retreated to the top of a hill and continued to watch the couple.

The man and his wife were able to get back into the home, where they cleaned his wounds and called the property owner, who happened to work for Colorado Parks and Wildlife. The man had four superficial scratches on top of his head and near his right ear, but he declined medical treatment.

Absolute nightmare if you ask me. I'm glad the guy is healed up, but can you imagine sitting down to relax and a damn Mountain Lion is playing scratch offs on your dome piece ? What fucking world do we live in ? Shit on NYC apartments all you want , or a nice little Staten Island home , but I'll tell you this ain't no mountain lions roaming through the woods in Eltingville or New Dorp. 

The real thing to me here is being bothered while in a hot tub. I consider relaxing one of my favorite things to do, and certain places are safe havens of relaxation. A Hot Tub is one of those safe havens. To me a Hot Tub was always a luxury. Maybe it was growing up without one, or the hotels making the age 12 to enter them on vacation, but something about a Hot Tub was always something I desired. It's super relaxing. Which is why I always love being in them.

So obviously you never want to be attacked by a mountain lion, but being attacked by a mountain lion while relaxing is even worse. I would put Hot Tub in the Top 5 of worst places to be attacked by a mountain lion while relaxing. Here are the other 4. 

1- While Taking A Nap You Really Needed 

Naps are another sacred thing for me. I need a nap during a tough day. If I woke up to a mountain lion scratching my head, I would be scared for life to ever take another nap. That would be the worst thing ever, I don't think I can survive without naps So I am not exaggerating when I say if the mountain lion is going attack me while asleep I hope it kills me because I rather die than lose naps. 

2- On The Golf Course 

Listen. If I break 100 it's a good day, but I love a nice golf day. Especially a golf outing. It's also rare I get to play so it makes it that much more enjoyable. If I got a mountain lion charging at me while I'm on my 4th High Noon of the day and am about to shank a 7 iron, I'll consider that pretty awful. Anywhere but the golf course. 

3- Sitting In A Recliner

Feet up, sports on, snacks on the table next to you and a comfy chair ? The last fucking thing I need is a mountain lion making me get up and run. Fuck that. 

4- In The Shower

A shower is part to get clean but also part to just have a soothing 10 minutes of silence to let the water run down on my head and be at peace. If a mountain lion killed me naked and that story got out in the paper, I don't know how I would recover.

In conclusion, be attacked by a mountain lion sucks , but I do stand behind my theory it sucks way more if it happens to you while relaxing like it did this poor bastard in the hot tub. 

Final thought … goat Hot Tub moment in Barstool history :