Dumping Them Out: Struggling Mascot Salesman
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I'm running out of thoughts. I just have a big ol' empty brain. Oftentimes when scrolling through Twitter I think, "Damn I should really tweet something." But everything seems so fucking stupid. Sure I could tweet about my new water bottle. Something like, "I just got a brand new water bottle and I LOVE IT!"
But nobody cares about that. Sure, it's a great water bottle. I don't know why I haven't thought of getting a squirt water bottle like this before. It's very convenient. The mouth of it is big enough that I can fill it with ice cubes, It holds a lot of water. But the internet doesn't need to know that.
Near where grew up in Bowling Green, Ohio, we have this sign on the interstate that I think about all the time.
Who decided to throw Atlanta on there? Are there really no other cities between Cincinnati and Atlanta that are worth highlighting? Who is that sign for? Nobody is driving all the way to Atlanta. It's a stupid fucking sign. That sign went up 6 or 7 years ago. Soon after that sign went up, they put up this other sign about 20 miles down the road.
Tampa is even stupider than Atlanta. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the meeting where they decided on these cities. I think they're just trying to convince people that Ohio isn't in the middle of nowhere. "Look guys! Atlanta and Tampa aren't even that far away! Just a quick 1000 mile drive down I-75 and you're there!"
I would hate to bring up a real issue in this smut blog, but I'm curious, how the hell are squatters rights still a thing in America? I guess I can understand in some situations? I don't know what those situations might be, but there's probably somebody out there who could present me with a scenario where squatters rights were a good thing that protected a family from a shitty landlord. All I know is I keep seeing videos like this.
From what it looks like, anybody can rent an AirBnB for 30 days, then when the 30 days is up they can just refuse to leave. They're allowed to stay there forever and there's nothing the homeowner can do about it. How can this possibly still be a law? Not to get political, but it really feels like the government should fix that.
Are you sick of playing normal sports the way they were intended? Is the sport of basketball too mainstream? Are you sick of being bad at all the real sports, but at some point in your life you learned how to throw a frisbee? Well luckily, you can take literally any sport in the world, add a frisbee to it, and BAM! Brand new sport of the future. I present to you, Frisbee Basketball.
"Is Frisbee Basketball the next big thing? Now that Major League Pickleball has been outed as a front for the world's largest human trafficking ring, courts across America are slowly converting to Frisbee Basketball. Frisbee Basketball founder, Biff McCharles, went on the Joe Rogan Experience and said that he believes by the year 2030, Frisbee Basketball will surpass the MLB & NFL in viewership. - Some stupid article in 2027
Somewhere out there is a company that sells mascot costumes to various different colleges. At that company, there is a struggling salesman who has the Kansas State account. At the beginning of every season, he brings a big lunch spread to the Kansas State athletic department and gives his pitch for why this should be the year they upgrade to a full mascot suit. He shows them all sorts of charts, graphs, and data highlighting reasons why their school would benefit from a mascot with a proper suit. But they never listen. They just sit and nod their heads politely as they eat the delicious Panera Bread that the salesman paid for with money out of his own pocket. In the end they say, "That all sounds great, and we really appreciate the lunch, but I think we'll just stick with the head for now. Maybe next season!!"
Then the salesman has to go back to the office with his tail between his legs. His boss says to him, "Did you close the deal?", and the salesman says, "Of course not. They won't listen to reason. I don't even know why we bother with them any more." Then his boss shakes his head in disappointment. As the salesman goes to pour himself a sad cup of coffee, the boss walks over and smacks it out of his hand, "COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS!!! It's the same story every year with you! Get your shit together! Willie The Wildcat needs a suit! It's your job to make them see that! I'm going to give you one more chance. There's a public high school an hour north of here who is under pressure to get rid of their racist Native American mascot. It's a slam dunk sale. You go there right now and sell them a used Red Hawk costume or your ass is fired!"