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South Padre Island Is The Perfect Spring Break Destination

It's a beautiful 84 degree day, the sun in shining and there's sand between your toes. You're wearing your brand new $400 Derek Rose Maui 52 Swim Shorts. Not Derek Rose the basketball player. Derek Rose the designer. To be honest, you didn't know it was a different Derek Rose until after you had already bought the shorts. You thought Derek Rose the basketball player had an expensive line of swim trunks. But now that you know it's the other Derek Rose, you like them even more. When people ask, "Hey where is that swimsuit from?", you respond, "It's Derek Rose." Then they say, "The basketball player?" and you reply, "No you uncultured piece of shit. Derek Rose, the designer." then you smugly walk away. You're the hottest dude on the beach.

You mosey over to your styrofoam cooler and grab your 27th drink of the day. You didn't spend all the money your parents gave you for the upcoming semester on a trip to South Padre Island because you wanted to remember it. You and the boys walk the shore of the beach, playfully grabbing each others dicks. When hot girls look at you they think to themselves, "Wow, not only are these hot boys having a good time, they're also comfortable with their sexuality in a way that others boys our age aren't. They're clearly the alpha males of this island. We should fuck them later"

After a few minutes of straight guy dick-play, you stumble upon a ruckus. It's a group of 800-1000 drunken college students cheering aggressively. As you get closer, you see that it's a beer pong tournament. What luck! You and your friend Mikey are the best beer pong duo at McNeese State. It's about time you took your talents on the road. Mikey goes up to the fat guy in a Cincinnati Bearcats bucket hat who's running the tournament, and gets your names added to the list.

As you wait for your turn to play, you run some light-hearted Oklahoma Drills against a group of Texas State students. They get the best of you, but honestly it was kind of bullshit. They had one guy who beat everyone. None of your boys could overpower him. Swear to god he was like 6'4", 260. He must have been a football player or something. The rest of them were such pussies. 2 of the guys didn't even go. If you would have gone 1-for-1 you guys would have won for sure.

Finally, the fat guy in charge of the tournament calls your name. It's your time to shine. You and Mikey step up to the table and do your cool secret handshake. Your opponents are a couple of GDI virgins from Purdue. They're a couple of nerds with dumb faces. However, they've won 3 beer pong games in a row, so they've gained the respect of the beach.

You and Mikey get off to a slow start. It's windy on the beach, which is something you're not accustomed to. But the nerd virgins are used to it. They're probably using some sort of 'wind x trajectory = ball(cup) algorithm like the engineering geeks they are. 

Things are not looking good for you and Mikey. They're down to the last cup, and you still have 5 more to hit. Mikey calls for a classic 3-2 offset re-rack. He knows what he's doing. Then all of the sudden, something magical happens. The wind dies down. You and Mikey hit both cups. The balls are sent back. You hit both cups again. It's all tied up. You hit them both AGAIN. Game... Blouses.

Giphy Images.

Or so you thought.. Back at McNeese State, if you and your partner both make the final cup, it's game over. That's not even up for debate. The Purdue dweebs are happy to concede the loss, because they're soft and non-confrontational. But one of the assholes from Texas State who was too scared to do an Oklahoma Drill comes to their defense. He starts shouting. You begin to argue.

Texas State Douche: "REBUTTAL! REBUTTAL! YOU RE-RACKED! YOU RE-RACKED! YOU RE-RACKED!"

You: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WE BOTH MADE THE CUP!"

Texas State Douche: "YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!! YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!"

You: "WE BOTH MADE IT, IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Texas State Douche: "YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!! YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!"

You: "IF WE WOULD HAVE MADE JUST 1 THEN—"

Texas State Douche: "YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!! YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!"

You: "JESUS CHRIST SHUT THE FUCK UP LET ME TALK FOR JUST ONE—"

Texas State Douche: "YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!! YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!"

You: "OMG HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU THAT'S NOT THE—"

Texas State Douche: "YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!! YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!"

The beach has become unruly. Arguments over the rules of beer pong break out across the island. As things start to get heated, 2 cops from the South Padre Police Department pull up on their cute little beach cop 4-wheelers.

DANIEL SLIM. Getty Images.

Officer #1: "Alright guys let's settle down. What's going on here? Cool swim trunks, man."

You: "Thanks, they're Derek Rose."

Officer #1: "Yeah, no shit. Ok, so who's in charge.?"

You look around for the fat guy in charge, but he's waist deep in the ocean dumping 4 beers onto his face at once, so you take control of the situation. 

You: "Mr. Officer, first off, thank you for your service. I've always backed the boys in blue. But we're in the middle of an important beer pong match. We re-racked mid game, but when it came down to the last cup my partner and I made both. They're saying our opponent gets a rebuttal, but those aren't the rules. Since we both made our shots in the last cup, that means we win."

Officer #1: "I see, I see. Well, did they pull the ball?"

You: "Yeah… but in this situation it doesn't matter."

Officer #1: "Sure it does. Yes re-rack, yes rebuttal."

You: "Excuse me?"

Officer #1: "You heard me. Yes re-rack, yes rebuttal."

You: "Oh my god, that's not even the saying. The rule is 'no re-rack, no rebuttal' not 'yes re-rack, yes rebuttal.', it doesn't necessarily work both ways."

Officer #1: "It's the transitive property, kid. Look it up."

You: "I don't think you know what the transitive property is."

Officer #1: "Are you calling me a bad police officer?"

You: "No. And I'm not sure how you got that from what I said"

Officer #2: "Not so fast, Officer #1. I think this kid might be right. If they both made their shot on the last cup, then it's game over"

Officer #1: "Well, I was under the impression they were playing island rules. Are you not playing island rules, son?"

You: "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Officer #1: "You're really gonna make us come down here to settle a beer pong debate and you don't even know if you're playing island rules?

You: "I'm surprised you're entertaining this conversation at all."

Officer #1: "Fucking kids… alright everybody gather around. Form a circle. Oklahoma Drill time."

The crowd goes wild!

You: "Fuck, what..?"

Officer #1: "Look, pal. I've been policing spring breakers on this island for 15 years. 50% of my job is settling beer pong debates, and I settle 100% of those debates with an Oklahoma Drill."

Thousands of college students form a circle around you.

You: "Officer, we don't have to do this. Our opponents aren't even here anymore. The Texas State douche bags aren't even here. What are we even doing?"

Officer #1: "Look, smart ass. Unless you want to spend a night in the slammer, you're going to Oklahoma Drill someone right now. I don't care who. But if you're not lined up face-to-face in a 3-point stance against somebody on this beach within 60 seconds I'm gonna start blasting."

You: Blasting? Like you're going to… ok. Alright, who wants to Oklahoma Drill?

Drunk Purdue Girl: "I AM A NEW CHARACTER IN THIS STORY AND I AM HERE TO AVENGE MY FELLOW BOILERMAKERS!! I WILL DEFEAT YOU IN AN OKLAHOMA DRILL AND BE NAMED KING OF SOUTH PADRE ISLAND!!

The crowd goes wilder! The entire island is watching. The random drunk girl from Purdue, who weighs no more than 120 pounds is lined up in a 3-point stance. 

You: "Officer, I don't think this is a good idea."

Officer #1 & Officer #2 point their guns at your head.

Officer #1: "If you don't Oklahoma Drill this young drunk woman right now I swear to fucking god I will go full Alec Baldwin."

You: "Ok sick. Good police work guys."

You get down in the sand in your 3-point stance, standing face-to-face with a small drunk woman under threat of murder by the South Padre Island Police Department. You remain unsure of what happens after the Oklahoma Drill is complete. Will you be charged for assault against a woman? Will you be let free? Go to prison? Be crowned King of South Padre Island? Nobody knows. That's the South Padre Island experience. 

Officer #1 fires his gun into the air to signal the start of the Oklahoma Drill. They did not warn you that they were going to do that. Your heart stops and you fall on your chest. Have you been shot? Last time you checked, their guns were pointed at your head. You begin to hyperventilate in the sand, trying to make sense of what is happening around you, still trying to determine whether or not you've been shot. Suddenly, Drunk Purdue Girl jumps on top of you and starts scratching your face. She's not blocking you, or trying to get past you, or doing anything that is in the spirit of an Oklahoma Drill. She's just scratching the shit out of your face. Not punches. Not slaps. Not kicks, or even bites.. Just a bunch of violent scratches in quick succession. She's basically gouging your eyes out. You most likely have permanent long-term vision damage. After 20-30 seconds of scratching, you're finally able to gain some composure and throw her off of you. But by now it's too late. The crowd is going ape-shit bananas. Clearly the island has determined that Drunk Purdue Girl is the winner of the Oklahoma Drill.

The cops place Drunk Purdue Girl on their shoulders and parade her around the beach. They fire their guns in the air in celebration. But you can't see for shit, so once again you think the cops are shooting at you. You let out a blood-curdling scream and start hyperventilating once again. You're bleeding from multiple holes in your head and gyrating on the sand like a fish out of water. Is this what hell is like? Eventually the noises subside as the celebration moves down the shore, and you come to terms with the fact that you are still alive. You lay on your back and stare up at the sky. Everything is blurry and red. Spring Break got the best of you. It's Panama City Beach all over again. But that's when you feel a hand on your shoulder. It's your homebody Mikey. Just in the nick of time.  

Mikey: "Tough day, champ?"

You: "Not my best."

Mikey: "I'm sorry, brother. I know how much being named King of South Padre meant to you."

He hands you an ice cold Passionfruit Tequila High Noon Seltzer. Delicious. Mikey takes a seat next to you in the sand. The rest of the boys gather around. Thank god for the boys. As long as you're with the boys, everything will be ok. You responsibly sip your seltzers as Mikey describes the beautiful South Padre sunset. South Padre Island is truly the perfect spring break destination.

Pete Alexopoulos. Unsplash Images.