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People Need To Quit Shit Talking Me For How I Hold A Fork


A few months back, I travelled to the beautiful Scottsdale, AZ with that pretentious, orange-haired fuck Francis to learn how to be a human being that is a functioning member of society. 

You can watch that video here

While there, we brought in an "etiquette coach" that taught me normal people things like... not cursing people out that don't answer my questions how I want them to...and not bombarding women off-putting questions myself... and 

drum roll....

how to hold a fork


Apparently it all went in one ear and out the other though. I'll get to that in a moment. 

While down in the Dominican Republic with Donnie, we spent a lot of our time consuming the nation's cuisine. Now, here in the States, only poors, gutter rats and truck drivers eat gas station food. I'm none of those, so I don't. That's not how it works in the Dominican though, as the island's best fare is, in fact, found at a gas station.

Needless to say, Donnie and I HAD to give it a shot. So we did:

That's when I got bombarded with a bar-age of comments like these:


Some of you might be thinking, WTF are these people talking about? Let me show you:

Goddamnit! Even in a video series where I look "good" for once, I have to go ahead and ruin it by looking like an unsophisticated freak that doesn't know how to hold a fork like a human being. Francis should call Whitney and get Portnoy's money back, as I CLEARLY learned nothing…

…I don't think it's nearly as bad as Donnie holding the fork by the base of the shaft though:

"Base of the shaft" lololol

That's just inefficient.

Whatever though. I was sick as fuck with bronchitis, so that's my excuse. In the end, the food was amazing and my style of cutting it did just as fine a job as the rich, stuck up way that Whitney tried to teach me. 

Get caught up on our entire Dominican Republic baseball, food, culture and travel vlog below:


Thank you all for watching!!! Sincerely, thank you.