Illinois Is Going To Busk The Bracket, Illinois Deep Dive #BracketBuskers
This year's Barstool Sports Bracket Busters competition is sponsored by Busker Irish Whiskey, hence the name Bracket Buskers. If our team, which is Illinois, wins 2 games, we win an all expenses paid trip to Ireland to tour the Busker Whiskey Distillery.
To be fully transparent, and I don't think this is a secret, we are under strict instructions from Dave Portnoy to promote our teams heavily this year. I'm starting off behind the 8-ball, as my teammates are Nick & KB. Everyone knows that tweeting is bad for the ANUS brand, so it might fall on me to carry water for the boys. Not ideal. Especially considering Illinois' first game is this Thursday at 3:30 PM, and I also have my first dentist appointment in 5 years this Thursday at 3:30pm. That's going to be difficult. But hopefully this very pointless + informative blog about Illinois will gain me a few promotion points.
I should probably limit this blog to the University of Illinois, since that's who I'm cheering for. But if I expand it to the entire state of Illinois, then I can make more jokes. So here are some great things about the state of Illinois
Progressiveness - Illinois was the first state to abolish slavery in 1865 (Abraham Lincoln). 144 years later in 2007, the University of Illinois retired controversial Native American mascot, Chief Illiniwek. Currently, they appear to be considering dropping the "Fightin'" from their nickname, but as of now it is still there.
Meaning - Illinois means, "Men & Warriors". Nothing in the name about women. So maybe they're not as progressive as I originally thought. But when they named the state it was a different time. Women weren't as important back then. I'm not going to hold that against the the state of Illinois.
Farmland - 3/4 of the state of Illinois is farmland. Farmers are very important, but I've also been told that they are the reason for daylights savings time. I think it has something to do with them needing light in the morning to farm or something? But just start your day earlier. Most of the country isn't farmers, so I'm not sure why he have to cater to them.
Nickname - It's nickname is The Prairie State. Ever since the movie Rat Race, I can't help but think of poop going in and out of someone's butt every time I hear the word prairie. Like prairie dog. You know, like when a prairie dog sticks it's head in and out of the ground.
Chicago - Future home of 50% (the sports half) of Barstool Sports. The sports will be moving to Chicago, and the comedy will remain in New York. Since Nick & KB are going to Chicago, they have agreed to turn over all of their good jokes to the employees staying in New York. It's not that they won't be able to make their own jokes anymore, it's just that they'll have to give New York the first crack at them.
Aurora - Aurora, Illinois claims to be "The City of Lights". They go toe-to-toe with Paris, France. Hard to say which city is cooler.
Other Cities - Most people don't realize that Illinois basically has 3 major cities. St. Louis is directly on the border of Illinois, and Milwaukee is also pretty close. Gary, Indiana is also basically in Illinois. Gary isn't a major city, but it is home of the Jackson 5. I think it used to be a decent city, but it's really sad now. Every time I go to Chicago I drive through Gary and it's super depressing. I just read an article from the Sun Times in 2021 about how Gary, Indiana getting new road signs that direct people to the childhood home of the Jacksons. A lot of good & bad things happened in that house (Joe Jackson).
Kanye West's Music - Kanye West's music is from Chicago. It's great music. His music is my favorite music of all the music. Always has been. I can't stress enough how great the music he makes is. Specifically the music.
Midwest Tungsten Service - The Midwest Tungsten Service is located in Willowbrook, Illinois. Tungsten is the heaviest metal on the periodic table of elements. But Midwest Tungsten Service does not actually mine the tungsten in Illinois. There is no more Tungsten to be mined in North America.
McDonald's - Illinois is home of the very first McDonald's. McDonald's pricing is getting out of control. A McChicken at the McDonald's in Jersey City costs over $3. If you want enough McDonald's to fill you up nowadays, you need to spend over $10. I typically order 2 McChickens, 1 McDouble, Large Fries, a Large Coke, and an M&M McFlurry. To be fair, I never finish all 3 sandwiches, but it's important to not order too little McDonald's.
John Wayne Gacy - Serial killer born in Chicago, Illinois. He was a serial killer of the clown variety, as opposed to the hot kind of serial killer. While wearing a clown costume, he would lure people back to his home, convince them to put on handcuffs as part of a magic trick, then murder the shit out of them. Imagine following a clown back to his home.
Personalized Licensed Plates - According to a website that lists 50 interesting facts about Illinois, they have "a lot of personalized license plates". They don't offer any further explanation. I bet they couldn't quite come up with 50 facts and just threw in that at the end. I picture them sitting around a table coming up with their list, "You know, I drove through Illinois once. I feel like I saw a lot of personalized plates. Fuck it, make that our last fact. I'm gonna go home and jerk off."
University of Illinois - Seems like I should talk about the actual university a little bit. The University of Illinois full name is the University of Illinois Urbana-Champagne, which sounds like the name of a bullshit satellite school you go to for a year when you're ACT score to get into the real University of Illinois straight out of high school.
Notable University of Illinois Alumni
- Hugh Hefner (Inventor of porn. Probably not that good of a guy, but it's not Illinois fault)
- Gene Hackman (Not the man who put a gerbil up his own ass. I thought he was for a minute, but then I remembered that was Richard Gere. Richard Gere is the actor who put a gerbil up his own ass)
- Nick Offerman (Actor who made his entire career off of one character who's entire personality was liking bacon and behaving like a lumberjack)
- Shahid Khan (Super rich Pakistani-American business man, owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars, has a comical mustache)
- James Holzhauer (Jeopardy James, had a 32 game win streak on the show and an annoying attitude. Pretty sure someone at Barstool asked him to be on a show and he asked for money. Don't repeat that)
Notable University of Illinois Athletes
- Deron Williams (Kind of a boring person overall)
- Jeffrey Jordan (Michael Jordan's son, but not the one who is banging Scottie Pippen's ex-wife)
- Juice Williams (Pretty sick QB. Beat Ohio State that one time)
Alright, well that's some quality Illinois promotion from me. Great day of work, John. You're welcome, Dave.