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The National Park Service Warns People To NOT Push Their Slower Friends Down When Running From Bears

Go fucking figure. I've heard some idiotic things from government agencies over the years, but now they're telling me not to push my asshole friends down if bears are attacking us? Say what you want about the things that Big Brother has pushed in the past, but they've officially jumped shark with this one.

Look at these pictures:

You're telling me I'm not allowed to push those two bums down to sacrifice them to bears should the situation present itself? Uhhhhh yeah. That ain't happening. Survival of the fittest, losers. I mean it wouldn't HAVE to happen because I'd be miles in gone while those two unathletic dipshits duked it out for last place, but let's assume the worst. 

Hear me out

Say myself, Chief and Eddie are out in the woods lighting fires and building forts and doing other cool guy stuff when a bear attacks saunters up to us looking to grub. In this hypothetical, my knee is flaring up from an old HS football injury that happened in the hours prior to the bear attack, putting the three of us on a more even playing field when it comes to running. Sure, I'm still an infinitely better athlete than either of those two doofuses, but now it's go time. 

You better believe I'm shoving them over and taking off. Sure, I might have to resist my intuitive instinct to just fist fight the bear, but after thinking about it for a split second I'd know that's not the best course of action. I could also heave a rock at it 90+MPH and try to incapacitate it that way, but I will admit I never had the best fastball command and I might miss. Might not hit the bear in the sweet spot. 

The only option would be for me to shove over Ed while Chief frantically whips up wikipedia on his iPhone to learn up on the best way to talk the bear out of it. TELL ME HOW THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE. TELL ME!!!!

You can't. 

Because it doesn't. I'll be back at my cabin sipping on a nice glass of brown while you two are getting eaten alive by wild animals, intestines, bowels, and brains scattered across the forest floor. Should do sprint drills more often like I do, dummies. Thems the breaks. Sorry I'm not sorry for being a world class athlete and that you couldn't keep up