So somehow I lucked my way into a free trip to Disney World with the boss man and some fellow supernerd Star Warriors coworkers because Portnoy completely botched his trip to The Happiest Place On Earth a year ago by somehow missing the new Star Wars Land.
To clarify just how hard Star Wars Land is to miss, here is a breakdown of what Dave saw and what he didn't see.
Dave's brain is good for many things. It helped him build a media empire and make him richer than he could've ever imagined to the point he now spends his free time talking to manatees from a Miami mansion.
However there are occasionally little details he misses, like one quarter of an amusement park that doesn't really have that many attractions. Maybe that's why he isn't able to watch an episode of House of the Dragon at the same time as a baseball game with the old rules where you can go minutes without any sort of action. Not that I'm criticizing since everyone isn't built for that two TV life. The strength of Dave's brain got me a dream job and the weakness of it got me a trip to Disney. So I got nothing but love for this bad boy, which is my favorite organ of Dave Portnoy's body.
OK that got weird.
Anyway, we are going on our trip to Disney thanks to Dave's brain and I've worked at Barstool long enough to know that we aren't going to just hit some rides, eat a turkey leg, then head home. Absurd shit is going to happen, so I'm trying to read the tea leaves and figure out what it's going to happen before we even arrive.
Here is what I see playing out....
1. The Jeff D. Lowe vs. Dave Portnoy Rivalry Will Continue
Ever since Dave showed up on The Dozen with Team Ziti, him and Jeff have locked horns over questions. Whether it was missing UConn as an answer that allowed Ziti to go to the Finals Finals, the commish trying to sneak in diet snack foods for our niche, or even last week's #SandwichGate. These two are always at ends with each other.
Jeff is a planner who I'm pretty sure has already mapped out our entire day at Disney days before it happens and it more prepared than the best mom on the planet for a day at the parks.
Meanwhile Dave didn't even realize he was missing acres upon acres of Hollywood Studios, Those types of dueling brains spending a day together will be fascinating to watch play out in real time.
2. My Night Terrors Are Going To Freak Someone Out
Despite the fact I'm flying down today, I have no clue what the hotel arrangement is for all of us. What I do know is that I occasionally have night terrors where I wake up freaking out in the middle of the night. Sometimes it happens when I'm tired, sometimes it happens when I eat late, but it almost always happens when I travel.
Hank got to experience this when we went to Latvia together back in 2016 and I think he's still kinda scared of me after the maniacal shit I was ranting about at God know what hour we were waking up during our three day stay halfway around the world. Regardless, let's just say I hope I'm not sharing a room with anyone.
3. Our Tour Guide Steals The Show
One of the benefits of going to Disney with your super rich boss is that he can say he doesn't want to wait in lines and can pay enough that he doesn't have to thanks to Disney's VIP tours. The tours go for 7+ hours and cost on average a cool $750+ PER HOUR.
Jeff sent a picture of our tour guide to the Disney Group and I've seen enough Portnoy videos over the last decade to know this is the exact type of kid that Dave is going to be mesmerized by. To be honest, I think there is a chance every piece of content that comes from Disney will just be Dave chopping it up with our tour guide, who is straight out of central casting for what a Disney VIP Tour Guide should be.
4. Disney Is Forever Ruined For Kenjac
Speaking of the VIP tours, this is the first time Kenjac has been to Florida let alone Disney World. All he will know about Disney is that it costs no money, involves waiting on no lines, and is essentially just one magical stress free day. Safe to say Kenjac should never, ever go back to Disney if he ever starts a family because that will be like going from being Prince Ali to Aladdin, the Poor with holes in his pants that needs to steal in order to eat.
5. I Pass Out, Maybe Die From Heat Exhaustion
It's no secret that I'm a big boy thanks to years of much snacking and little exercise. Like I said, Jeff D. Lowe has already planned out our day that I'm pretty sure includes hitting every park Disney has to offer from 8 AM to 1 AM. The weather calls for 81 degrees with 60% humidity. Going from the 0% humidity of wintry New York to the humidity of Florida while walking for hours on end is definitely going to cause me to melt on a bench or whatever part of the park my body lands as it overheats like the Excitebike
Yes I used an Excitebike reference to hammer home I'm not only a Fat but also an Old, which is also going to work against me.
6. I Eat For The Cycle At All Four Parks
Piggybacking off of the last prediction (nice double entendre there, big boy), eating at Disney has become it's own relative sport for the diehards Disney folks of the world. I haven't been in more than a decade, but I do love a good eating challenge. So I think I'm gonna try to get a signature item at each park then rank them in 15 second review format.
Here's a throwback for all the non-OGs that have no idea what I'm talking about.
7. I Immediately Regret Eating For The Cycle Before I Finish My Last Bite Of The Cycle
Again, men my size and the Florida heat are not simpatico. Doubly so when I am shoving an inordinate amount of food down my gullet.
8. Dave Portnoy Turns Into A Child Right In Front Of Our Eyes When He Meets Mando And Baby Yoda
I don't know if there is a creature from this planet all the way to a galaxy far, far away that Dave Portnoy doesn't love more than Baby Yoda. The fact that Baby Yo is gonna be making the rounds the day we arrive may be the thing that turns the man who has fought countless internet wars into a puddle.
I would've said Robbie meeting any Star Wars character will cause him to cry but predicting something with odds that are approximately -10000000 doesn't seem like much of a prediction since I'm pretty sure he's cried at every Star Wars trailer let alone movie he's ever watched.
9. This Will Not Be The Last Barstool Disney Trip
I'm just gonna come out and say it. I think Dave Portnoy loves Disney. He doesn't like it, but he LOVES it. He also loves seeing a few of the professional idiots he has hired embrace their weird niches that they are obsessed with. So I think he finds his way back to Disney with another group of people from his merry band of misfits. I'm not sure who, but I see Frank The Tank and Mintzy somehow getting to the Magic Kingdom, which is a Must Watch video just from that sentence alone.
Also that mouse shaped Barstool logo I made in two seconds would be a fire shirt if it wasn't a lock that Disney's lawyers would unload their legal Death Star on us the moment we put it for sale in the Barstool Store.
10. Dave Comes On My Mom's Basement For A Mandalorian Recap That Becomes The Most Watched MMB Episode Ever
This is more wishful thinking than anything. But Mando drops at 3 AM with all of us together to attend Star Wars Land together, which means we pretty much all have to watch it together. Robbie and I have been recapping Mando for years on My Mom's Basement, including last week's premiere.
Throwing Portnoy on for an episode would do numbies (It's an industry term). I'm not sure if Dave will have time but it would be great for the show, with the most watched episode having 179,000 views. Let's see if Davey Pageviews can top it...