Dumping Them Out: Tom Brady Looks Great
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I'm writing this blog on expert level difficulty. My girlfriend's parents are sitting across the table from me. If either of them walk into the kitchen while I'm not paying attention, they're gonna get a face full of boobs. Need to make sure that doesn't happen. Also, I know they saw that meth/buyer's club/serial killer/jaundice picture of me that's going around the internet, but they haven't brought it up yet. So I have that big ol' elephant floating around the room. But I won't let it stop me from getting this smut blog out to the masses.
Not to keep harping on that picture, but my own parents haven't called me about it. Nobody in my family has mentioned whatsoever. I was happy with that at first because I don't want to have that conversation, but now I'm starting to get offended. What the fuck guys? Your own son is dying, live on the internet. You don't wanna check in on me? Do you not love me? At minimum I deserve a moderately stern talking to about how I need to start taking care of myself better. At least tell me to go to the doctor or something. Do your job parents.
Oops, sorry. I just realized I accidentally posted that picture of Tom Brady instead of the picture of me. I got my own picture confused with Tom Brady, the 7x Super Bowl Championship QB who dates supermodels. How embarrassing. We just look so similar. My bad guys, here's the one I meant to post.
Ok, I'm sorry. I'm done writing about the picture. But unfortunately for my haters, now that picture has made its rounds, I have no choice but to get jacked again. It's my only course of action. The great thing about being skinny is you can get jacked in like 2 months. Just go to the gym every morning, drink 2 weight gainer shakes, eat a strict diet of Chipotle burritos, and boom - Instant jacked. My hands are tied. I need to combat that photo somehow.
Anthony Richardson sucked in college right? I was under the impression that he was a bad quarterback. But it appears we're just going to ignore that because of his combine performance. I get it. The man did a backflip. He has the highest vertical leap in the history of quarterbacks. How can anybody turn down an opportunity to have the highest jumping quarterback in the NFL?
There was about a 10-15 second period of time last night where I thought Jake Gyllenhaal was a real UFC fighter, which is much longer than it should have taken me to realize that this video was for a movie, and not an actual UFC fight.
"Huh, good for Jake Gyllenhaal. I didn't know he was pursing a career in MMA. He must be pretty good if he's fighting in the UFC. Oh wow, he's beating the shit out of that guy. What the fuck is that ref doing? He has zero control over this fight. Wait.. ahhh.. never mind, it's for a movie." - Me, and probably a lot more people then will ever admit it.
Matthew McConaughey and his wife were apparently on that flight that hit crazy turbulence and left 7 people hospitalized.
You can't help but think if Mark Wahlberg was on that plane that things would have gone down differently. If I ever die in a freak accident, I would like it to be in a plane crash. Because a plane crash would be in no way my fault. If it were a car crash, then there was probably something I could have done to avoid it. If it were a fire, I could have had a better escape plan. If it were a shark attack, I could have punched the shark in the nose like an adult. But a plane crash is nothing but tragic, and 100% of the blame is on the pilot.
It appears that Jackson Mahomes occupies the #1 blog spot on the Barstool Sports website once again, proving that there is nobody on the internet who the Stoolies would rather read about more than Jackson Mahomes. Unfortunately, Dante The Don beat me to the blog this time. I know how much the commenters love it when I write about the hot & sexy male influencer that is Jackson Mahomes, but as long as someone is getting Jackson Mahomes content up on the blog, that's all that matters.
I'm curious if sexually assaulting a bar owner is enough to get him cancelled. I feel like it should be, but something tells me it's only going to make him more powerful. If there's anybody who can overcome an assault case it's Jackson Mahomes.