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With All Our Other Problems Solved, Lawmakers Turn Their Attention to Outlawing Dogs Sticking Their Heads Out of Car Windows

Harold M. Lambert. Getty Images.

As long as there have been motorcars, as long as their have been car windows, and as long as humans have lived with domesticated animals, there have been dogs sticking their heads out of said car windows. I don't know what these noble, loyal creatures did before the invention of the internal combustion engine. Whether they stuck their heads out the windows of steam locomotives, stagecoaches, or ships. All we do know is that there hasn't been a dog in the last 100 years who has ever been happier than when it's feeling the majestic breeze of freedom blowing across its face. 

This very phenomenon was giving pre-sitcom Jerry Seinfeld minutes of his signature observational humor:

And I remember specifically him expanding on this bit with, "Why do all dogs stick their heads out the car window? It's like they're thinking, 'If I could run this fast, I'd be King of the Dogs,'" but I can't find the clip. You'll just have to trust me on that. I have a didactic memory for stand up monologues. 

But one thing our species has enjoyed since long before Henry Ford made automobiles the average working American can afford is political leaders who waste everyone's time with useless horseshit. So it was probably inevitable that these two staples of modern society would collide. And that day has arrived:

Source - A new bill has been proposed in Florida that would ban drivers from allowing their dogs to stick their heads out of car windows.

The suggested ban is contained in SB932, a sweeping animal welfare bill sponsored by Democratic Senator Lauren Book that would also criminalize 'declawing cats'.

It would also prohibit the transportation of dogs in the bays of pickup trucks and require them to be restrained in a 'dog crate'.

 'A person may not allow a dog to extend its head or any other body part outside a motor vehicle window while the person is operating the motor vehicle on a public roadway,' reads the bill.

Let's review. 

We're still living in the after effects of the worst shutdowns of small businesses since the Great Depression. We suffered a shortage of baby formula, of all damned things, to the point people were buying it from overseas like a black market operation. Groceries are so expensive eggs are being smuggled into the country in numbers that would be the envy of the late, great George Jung. Trains carrying carcinogens are literally going off the rails and there's a weird series of disasters at food processing plants. And our military is either shooting down alien spacecraft or nerds' hobby balloons; either no one knows, or they do know but aren't telling us. But let's roll up our sleeves, get to work, and address the real problem that plagues us, your German Shepherd Shultzie having fun on your ride to the dog park. 

Seriously, what am I missing? Is there some greater societal ill at work here I'm too pig ignorant to recognize? Are the gutters of Florida's streets littered with severed heads from drivers cutting it too close to the utility poles? Because I can promise you Massachusetts' roadways remain relatively free of fallen pet heads.

Giphy Images.

Is this State Senator Lauren Book just being a Karen who just personally can't stand the sight of your Golden Doodle staring out at her from the next lane and decided to bring the full power of the Sunshine State's legal authority down upon this wrongdoing? Even giving the good Senator the benefit of the doubt, is this a driver safety issue? Because if it is, speaking personally, if I listed all the things that I can't stand about my fellow motorists, my body would consume all its nutrients and I'd drop dead of starvation before I was halfway done. Subsequently, if I listed the best things about driving, "Other People's Dogs" might make the No. 1 slot.  If our solons are going to pass laws to protect us on the road, there are literally hundreds of non-dog related driving behaviors we could crack down on instead. Texting. Applying makeup. Doing 55 in the speed lane. Eating full meals. I know a Teamster who told me a day never goes by where he doesn't look down from the cab of his rig and see some guy jerkin' his gherkin as he's motoring along. As a matter of fact, in most cases I'd rather see the Pomeranian with his paws on the wheel, and the imbecile who owns him stuffed into a crate.

But you do you do, Florida. Keep coming up with solutions that are in search of an actual problem. Meanwhile the rest of us will celebrate dogs breathing the free air that can only come from outside a speeding vehicle. At least until the country finally collapses from neglect by the nitwits we elect.