Dumping Them Out: Brent Barry Won a Dunk Contest
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out, where every Sunday I force myself to muster up at least 800 words of bullshit to fill up blank space between Boob GIFs. I always pull it off. My sentences aren't always coherent, but they almost always start with capital letters and end with punctuation.
In case you haven't heard, this is the first weekend without NFL football, meaning Twitter is having a who misses NFL football the most contest. I was so upset that I ripped off the door of my refrigerator, and lit my neighbors car on fire.
I'm not sure if I've ever watched Trevor Zegras play a full hockey game, but he's got to be one of the coolest athletes going right now.
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Not enough athletes try to pull off dumb, reckless moves. The athletes that do are my favorite. The fancier/cockier the better. I always loved it when Desean Jackson would catch a screen pass, then run 30 yards into the backfield trying to avoid a tackle. Or anytime a corner back intercepts a ball, then on the return carries the ball with one hand away from his body despite having every reason not to. Those players are so much more fun than players who "play the game the right way." That's why I appreciate the Kansas City Chiefs. They fuck around and run dumb pointless ring around the rosy plays for seemingly no reason other than, "This would be kind fun."
Patrick Mahomes is always throwing no look passes and shit. Those are fun to watch. Would it have killed Tom Brady to do one cool thing in his entire career other than "Win 7 Super Bowls." That line of thinking is why I will never be good at a sports video game. I will spend the entire game fucking around with the skill stick instead of actually learning how to win. I can't tell you the number of times I got blown up playing NCAA 2014 because I insisted on doing the step back juke & trying to hurdle every defender. Or how many breakaways I've missed in FIFA because I try to rainbow the goalie instead of just shooting the ball in the net. But when those moves do work, it's the most satisfying feeling ever. If I coached a team, I would demand my players do those types of moves. We would be fucking horrible, but our highlight tape would be so nice.
I spend a lot of time thinking of very bad characters, and I don't know what to do with them. Here are a few I just thought of:
- Barack Obaminable Snowman (Barack Obama but he's a Yeti)
- Tuggsy Bogues (undersized basketball player who can't stop beating off)
- Jrue Christmas (conservative Christian Jrue Holiday who changed his last name to protest the phrase "Happy Holiday's")
- Joe Churro (fat Joe Burrow)
- Dick Chubb (it's just funny that Nick Chubb is only 1 letter away from Dick Chubb)
- Racks Homa (Max Homa with large breasts)
- Wayne Breastsky (same deal)
- Kyrie Irving Magic Johnson (you can figure that one out yourself)
To answer your question, yes I've been listening to old episodes of Cum Town lately. The nicknames are so stupid but they make me laugh every time.
Here are my 5 bold predictions for things that will happen when Barstool's Chicago Office Opens:
- Someone will team up with Frank The Tank and start a Raw Doggin' Chicago Franchise.
- There will be a giant group photo of everyone who moved to Chicago in front of the Chicago Bean.
- Somebody will think it's a good idea to go to O-Block and make a TikTok in the hood. They will get dragged online for it.
- Somebody breaks Big Cat's record for stingrays touched at the Shed Aquarium.
- Barack Obama will be invited to the office to play a game of HORSE with someone. Preferably White Sox Dave.
I didn't watch the dunk contest last night, but I watched a 60 second video with all of Mac McClung's dunks, so I get the gist of how it went. I assumed that McClung (just a horrific last name) was the first white person to ever win the dunk contest. Turns out that's wrong. Fucking Brent Barry won the dunk contest in 1996.
I know everyone says the dunk contest isn't what it used to be, which is true, because there is zero star power anymore. But if you just look at the quality of dunks.. it's not even close. At least for this particular Brent Barry dunk contest. Brent Barry might have gotten last place this year.
There was zero flash to any of those. Boobs included. I guess the free throw line dunk is impressive, but Barry's wasn't anywhere near as cool as Michael Jordan's. And did that same dunk twice. I feel like you shouldn't be allowed to do the same dunk multiple times and get the same amount of credit for each one. I don't know if Brent Barry could have executed a single dunk Mac McClung did last night. He honestly might have given Vince Carter a run for his money.