Don't get me wrong. I do not care for Jackson Mahomes. I dislike the guy as much any other red-blooded American. His content is unsettling, and his TikTok videos feel like personal attacks. You could make a sound argument that he deserves to be locked away in a maximum security prison. Unfortunately, nothing he's doing is "technically illegal", so I'm afraid that Jackson Mahomes is here to stay. As long as Patrick Mahomes is relevant (which will be until long after I'm dead), his viral sensation of a younger brother will be a part of our lives. The kid moves the needle. All 4 of these blogs were written within the last month, and each one of them was at one point the #1 blog at the top of Barstool Sports' website.
Conservatively speaking, 100% of the clicks amassed by these blogs were hate clicks. Not one person has ever come across a Jackson Mahomes blog on Barstool and thought, "Let's see what good creative content this hot kid is making." But it doesn't matter. Hate clicks pay the bills the same as horny clicks. Do you think Jerry Thornton & Big T want to write blogs about a smooth boy who dances? I promise you they don't, but you've left them no choice. It's become apparent that smooth boys are what Stoolies crave the most (Jackson Mahomes, Josh Richards, Tommy Smokes, etc.).
Take a look in the mirror. Jackson Mahomes is the consequence of our actions. He's your fault. He's my fault. He's god's fault. He's everyone's fault. Like it or not, Jackson Mahomes content is what the world wants. Somewhere deep down, there's a part in all of us that longs to see his next video. He's a monster of our own creation, and now we have to live with what we've done. Think back to when a young Jackson first took the internet
by storm hostage. He was awkward, gangly, and chubby all at the same time. Simply put, he was a big dumb nerd. His dance skills were well-below average. For someone who came from the same gene pool as the best quarterback in the NFL, I was personally offended by how bad he was at moving his body.
The internet loathed him, but we couldn't look away. We were consumed by his off-putting gyrations. We encouraged his behavior with clicks, and watched as his popularity skyrocketed. You couldn't log into social media without being force-fed a spoonful of the newest most dancing boy. In fact, Barstool Sports paid him so much attention that he blessed us with a personalized TikTok of our very own.
Everyone hated it. We piled on even harder, but not in a sexual way. We thought we could hate him off the internet. Hating him was the easy thing to do. It's fun to hate a common enemy. But what we failed to realize was that the hate would only make him stronger. Jackson continued dancing at us. He honed his skills, grew his following, sculpted his body, and was really good at keeping up with the latest trends. 4 years after Jackson Mahomes made his online debut as an awkward nerdy teenager, he transformed himself into this..
It brings me no pleasure to report to you that Jackson Mahomes is now a hot & sexy internet celebrity. I know some of you might not be ready to admit it, but the kid has done it. He's fucking done it. He has transformed himself into a beautiful young 22-year-old male influencer with hot friends and a net worth that's probably higher than your whole family combined. While we were busy serving him L's from behind a keyboard, Jackson was out there grabbing life by balls. He knew what he wanted out of life. To be a hot dancing internet boy. And by god is he. Jackson had the vision and he saw it through to the end. With each passing day he becomes stronger. His movements become less awkward. HIs face becomes less like a chipmunk. His wardrobe expands.
And there's nothing we can do but watch. Do you think this is what I wanted to do today when I walked into work? Write nearly 800 words on Patrick Mahomes sexy younger brother? Of course not. But I didn't have anything to write about, and when you have nothing to write about, you default to what's easiest. You default to something that will get clicks. Jackson Mahomes is that something. So a hearty tip of the cap goes out from me to Jackson Mahomes. I do not look forward to what you'll be doing next, but I will take note of it.