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Dumping Them Out: Megan Fox Is Single

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. About a week ago, I heard a noise coming from my furnace closet. The dogs were freaking out a little bit, and I assumed it was rat. It made noise for a couple days and I just ignored it, because that's how I deal with problems. And ignoring it it worked, because eventually it just stopped.. I assumed the rat must have found his way out or something. This afternoon I finally opened the door. It was a dead bird.

I recently received Dave Portnoy's phone number, which obviously leads to the hypothetical question of, "How much money could I sell it for?" Obviously, as with anything, there is a certain amount of money I couldn't say no to. I'm in the market for $5 million. Somebody recently told me that if you can make $5 million dollars, you'll be able to live comfortably off of the interest for the rest of your life. Clearly, I'm not going to be able to make $5 million off of it, but I bet if I put it up for sale for $1,000 I would get a handful of takers. I'm sure there's a bunch of people out there who think they could parlay Dave's number into a job, or something useful. In reality, Dave would just block them immediately, or change his number and it would be worthless. Plus, I would have to do it discreetly. I wouldn't want Dave to trace it back to me. That would be grounds for an instant firing. 

I'm also not sure how I would show the buyer that the number is legitimate without giving away my identity. I'm not even sure if selling a phone number is legal. I guess it probably is, because people are clearly selling mine with the amount of telemarketing and spam calls I get. But I would also hate to be sued by Dave Portnoy. It's something to consider (not really, Dave. I'm only joking. I would never in a million years sell your information for anything less than $5 million dollars.. ok maybe $1 million. Or at least $500k). 

Very tragic news hit the internet this morning as America's favorite couple, Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly appear to have broken up. Megan Fox has deleted all pictures of MGK, unfollowed him on Instagram, made cryptic post about dishonesty, then eventually deleted her account all together. So in honor of Megan Fox being single for a couple weeks before she inevitably dates Pete Davidson, here are some Megan Fox GIFs. 

This week I learned about violent language. Thank god somebody posted this to Twitter, so we can all stop using offensive phrases such as "biting the bullet", or "shooting someone an email". I can't believe I've been using such horrific, violent words my whole life. The internet is blessed to have people like Jeremiah Owyang to keep us in line. No more "killing 2 birds with 1 stone." It's "feeding 2 birds with one scone" from now on.

Speaking of offensive words, I'm afraid the acronym G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All-Time) is on it's last legs. It's only a matter of time before we get a Buzzfeed think piece regarding the problems with the word goat. It will probably include a bunch of bible verses and pictures like this. 

The Art Archive. Shutterstock Images.
Shutterstock Images.

"Sure, I understand that G.O.A.T. is an acronym, but if you were asking 'Who's the Nicest American Zoo Inspector', you wouldn't say 'Who's the Nazi?'" - something along those lines. I might just write that myself actually.

If you'll allow me to speak freely and without judgement, I would like to address something. I really hate promoting myself. There's something about making a piece of content and saying, "HEY GUYS LOOK WHAT I DID IT'S SO GOOD!", that makes me want to puke. I know it's literally my job, and I'm paid to do exactly that, but I hate it so much. I would much prefer to put something out in silence, then have a stranger online stumble upon it and say, "Hey guys look what John Rich made, it's actually not the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life." 

So speaking of that, I started a podcast last week. From the bottom of my heart, I truly apologize, but I'm going to force myself to promote it now. I'm doing it with Will Burge who works remote from Cleveland. The premise of the show is that we go through Barstool's top performing blogs from the week before, and talk about the stories. Then we go over the top 20 bloggers. So it's kind of inside Barstool stuff. Unfortunately we named the podcast, "Behind The Blog", which we completely forgot was already a series KFC did. So that's not great. We're going to have to change that. I'm not even sure we're even allowed to be doing things like reading off the top 20 bloggers. But fuck it, here it is.