According To A Bunch Of Fucking Idiots, Pigs In A Blanket Is The Worst Food Served At Super Bowl Parties
Damn man, it really be your own people sometimes. I have been a proud Siena College alum since the day I somehow walked off that stage with my diploma after four years. My wife is a Siena alum. Many of my closest friends are Siena alums. I named my daughter Siena. Hell, I even drive a Toyota Sienna, which is when I officially became the dude that's a little too obsessed with Siena (It's also because it was the only minivan I could find that had All Wheel Drive, which was important to me as a father that wanted to protect his precious cargo during shitty New York winters.
However, this act of aggression against my beloved pigs in a blanket in this article about Super Bowl™™™ data will not stand!
What the fuck is this?
It's no surprise to anybody that has seen my performances on The Dozen or my gut, I am a big fan of chips and dip. Obviously if we are dipping chips, I prefer a kettle or ridged chip for stability along with homemade sour cream and onion dip using the Lipton's blue box. Chicken wings are as much a part of watching football as cheering and yelling at the refs. And pizza should be a part of every list as the GOAT of food. I don't care if it's a Super Bowl™™™ party, a wedding, or a funeral. Pizza needs to show up at some point because it is that damn good.
However, the rest of these being above pigs in a blanket is outright wrong. Again, if you take one look at me, you know I love my desserts. But if you have enough room in your gut for desserts by the end of a Super Bowl™™™ party, you simply didn't go hard enough in the paint. I think nachos get way too much hate for falling off a cliff quality wise once they get cold, but there is a lot of truth in that congealed cheese while burgers, sliders, and sandwiches have wayyyyyyy too much variance. You get fresh pulled pork sliders or a 6' sub with chicken cutlet, fresh mozz, and roasted red peppers, you are money. But if you get some shitty frozen burgers that were overcooked or a sandwich that doesn't use Boar's Head cold cuts, I'm passing every single time.
Cheese and crackers are all fine and good for when you are at a cocktail hour before the hot hors d'oeuvres have been brought out yet. But we are going to say they are better than pigs in a blanket?!? Hell no! I'm not going to talk shit about chili but we know the wide ranges of quality that comes with a chili along with it being a two hand food when standing since you need to hold the bowl and spoon.
The beauty of pigs in a blanket is in their simplicity and how hard they are to fuck up. They are great if you get them from the frozen food aisle or if you make them yourself by rolling full hot dogs in crescent rolls then cutting them up, which is my go-to move. While being a simple common man/woman's app thanks to the hot dog (pigs in a blanket is infamous for being progressive), they also hold their own as a fancy app thanks to the puffed pastry surrounding it and acting as a blanket. Maybe with a little Everything Bagel Seasoning if you wanna get nuts.
Not only that, but they are a food that not only is good with a dip, but it thrives with a dip. It could be mustard, cheese dip, ketchup (not my personal choice), or pretty much any other dip you can think of.
I also notice in this so-called poll that no kids were mentioned. Well guess what? Pigs in a blanket is always a kids pleaser despite those little fuckers hating almost every food on the planet. You want your kid loading up on chips and dip at the beginning of the party then complaining of a tummy ache during the 4th quarter because their gut is half dairy?
In summation, pigs in a blanket is an elite Super Bowl™™™ food that can be served at any time during The Big Game that will not saddle you with leftovers like many of those other foods because everybody loves them and they are always the first to go at any party with palates of any sophistication, which is probably why 76% of the people surveyed in this poll don't eat them. Because they show up to the party after all the little piggies have gone wee wee wee all into our bellies.
The only way Siena College can make it up to me for spreading this type of disgusting misinformation is by offering my kids full scholarships to the school today. I'm not even sure I'd accept despite my love for this wonderful Francsican institute. But I'll at least think about it because there is no way I am going to be able to afford to pay for one college education let alone two based on the prices of 2023, let alone 10-15 years from now. If Siena does that, I will in turn blame St. Bonaventure for all this nonsensical bullshit, which is probably the right move because you should never trust the data of a school that calls its teams the Bonnies.
Your call Siena. In the meantime, I will plug the hats of Hofstra alum Steven Cheah, despite Pride being only a slightly better nickname than Bonnies.
h/t Bryan and Kyle for bringing this slander to my attention