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The Greatest Of All-Time Retired Today and It's Not Tom Brady

While the rest of the world mourns the "retirement" of a sinful man (divorce) who threw a ball for a living, a true legend hung up the mic in the middle of the night. Tom Brady did a lot of cute things (7 Super Bowls, 5 Super Bowl MVP's, 3 NFL MVP's, most passing yards of all time, most TD all time, most playoff passing yards of all time, most playoff TD's of all time, married world's most famous supermodel, etc.), but no one has EVER referred to Tom Brady as the Prince of Darkness.

As a man who once kind of learned how to play part of Crazy Train (not the solo) on my guitar, this news affects me greatly (probably more than you). If you've seen one Tom Brady highlight you've seen them all. Ozzy Osbourne, on the other hand, had range. Tom Brady was predictable. Whenever you watched Brady perform, you knew what he was going to do (football). When you put a mic in his face, he was going to give you a responsible answer. That gets boring after a while. When you watch Ozzy Osbourne perform, anything could happen. When you put a mic in his face, you have no idea what he might say. It might not even be words. 

When you unbiasedly compare Tom & Ozzy side-by-side, it's apparent who the real goat is. 

Ozzy Osbourne: Bit the head off a bat, and a dove
Tom Brady: Scared to bite a tomato

Ozzy Osbourne: Peed on the Alamo, peed on a cop car
Tom Brady: Peed on Matt Cassels practice jersey (I was going to say, "never peed on anything" but then I found this story. I guess that's kind of cool, but Ozzy still wins)

Ozzy Osbourne: Lit chickens on fire
Tom Brady: Won't touch chicken unless it was raised on a pasture

Ozzy Osbourne: Stripped naked on a table of executives and peed in a man's wine chaf (big pee guy)
Tom Brady: Only one embarrassing almost naked combine picture

Ozzy Osbourne: Regularly took 25 Vicodin per day, and 42 different prescription drugs 
Tom Brady: Only takes whatever vitamins Alex Guerrero allows him to

Ozzy Osbourne: Worked through issues with his wife Sharon in 2016 and are still happily married
Tom Brady: Gave up on his family to play one last uninspired season of football

That's all. I mean no disrespect to Tom Brady. Just figured I would give Ozzy Osbourne some love considering his retirement announcement will be buried by the greatest athlete of our generation.